The Return
by gizmo71
Summary: After two years of no communication, no word, no nothing, Olivia returns to Washington DC, hoping to make amends for running away, but after all he's been through can Fitz find it in himself to forgive her and move on?
1. Chapter 1

**Joshua**

It often floors him how fast his little boy is growing up, his quirky personality already starting to shine though, whether it be his stubbornness when wanting to try things out for himself- totally unassisted, or his cheeky little grin when he knows he's about to do something that he shouldn't… And more than anything he adores his inquisitive nature; although sometimes tiresome after a long hard day at work, he will often find himself spending an entire evening just answering a barrage of questions that Joshua has been storing up all day, especially for him.

He smiles wistfully, as he now thinks back to a particular question he asked the other day… _He knew it was only a matter of time before he asked about her_ , but as much as he had anticipated it, he still felt totally unprepared. _How do you possibly begin to explain to a two, almost three year old that his mummy had left him when he was barely a year old?_ Having personally experienced the loss himself, even as a grown man he is still having trouble trying to understand it all.

He watches on carefully, as Joshua happily plays with the other little boys and girls in the sand box. He's so sociable for his age, trusting to a fault he sometime thinks, especially by the way he's so willing to approach people he's never met before and start up a conversation. Joshua assured a confidence beyond his age; he suspects he gets that trait from his mother, as according to his own mother, he was the complete opposite at that age; whereas Joshua will not hesitate to engage with other children, he was far more reserved and quiet.

Joshua was indeed his mother's child. In the early days following her disappearance, he had sometimes found it difficult to even look at him… His tiny cherub face, with those perfectly bowed shaped lips, if it weren't for his bright blue eyes no one would even believe he was his. For Joshua was the spitting image of the woman he once loved with all his heart, the very same woman who sadly, unbeknownst to him did not reciprocate that love, well not enough to stop her from walking away from him and his son.

He used be so angry about it, consumed by it, until his Mother had made him realise that his anger was keeping him from being a good parent to his son… Joshua had already lost his mother, he couldn't lose his father as well. It was the wake-up call he needed, and as the days rolled by into weeks, then into months, and then eventually years… He learned to let go of his anger, and with the help and support of his family and friends he managed to concentrate all his energies into providing his son with a happy and secure home, surrounded with an abundance of love, cuddles and kisses.

And although he might not be as angry as he once was, considering all that he's been through over the last two years, if he were to ever see her again, he doubts he will ever have it in his heart to forgive her for leaving Joshua, never mind leaving him. At the end of the day Joshua didn't deserve any of this.

" _Daddy, daddy look_ ", the insistent tugging of his slacks and the excitement in his son's voice successfully pulls him from his reverie, as he now follows Joshua over to the masterpiece that he has made in the sand. Filled with an overwhelming pride he smiles at him, as Joshua animatedly explains that the first pile of sand is their house and next to it, where the other carefully heaped pile is crafted, is where uncle Cy and uncle James lives with Ella.

"That's awesome, great job my boy". He bends down and kisses him on his head and Joshua beams up at him in response…

" _Daddy?_ "

"Yes Son?"

"I love you". His tiny arms are now outstretched as far they can go as Fitz now mirrors his actions, swooping him up, and responds like he always does with… "And Daddy loves you more!"


	2. Chapter 2

**A guilty return**

She watches them from afar, hidden in the shadows… She's been back in Washington DC for 3 days now, staying in a motel on the other side of town; it has also taken her 3 days to muster the courage to come this far.

At first she had made her way to their old apartment, hoping that she might find them there. Her heart was hammering in her chest as she nervously rang the doorbell, awaiting a response; however after a couple of insistent rings with no answer she had soon realised that no-one was home, which in turn left her nerves completely and utterly shot. Panicked, she began to wonder if they even lived there any more, after all, anything could have happened in the last two years… _What if they had relocated?_ What if they have moved so far away that she'd never be able to find them again? But then it dawns on her, that these thoughts were probably the very same ones that had haunted Fitz ever since the day she left. She is immediately overwhelmed with guilt. She starts to think that maybe this is her punishment, to never be able to find them… The notion of which makes her sick to her stomach; even if it is well deserved.

Taking a few deep breaths in a bid to remain calm and figure out her next move, she decides not to ask the landlord if they still live there, because if they do, then the last thing she wants is for the landlord to alert Fitz to her presence before she's had the chance to do so herself; if anything it was the least he deserved, hearing it from her. Therefore, she only had one option left and that was to make her way to Anne and Jerry's place, if anyone knew where Fitz and Joshua where it would be them. However, she wasn't naive enough to believe it would be that simple, that Anne and Jerry would simply hand over their whereabouts without a fight. After all the grief she has caused, she is certain that she will be met with fierce opposition when she finds herself on their doorstep. However, as fate would have it be, she doesn't even reach Anne and Jerry's apartment before she gets the answer she is looking for… it appears that Fitz and Joshua were still living in Washington after all.

She was only a few blocks away from their apartment building, when she had spotted him; Fitz, getting out of his car and walking over to the passenger's side. Frozen in her tracks, her eyes follow his every move as he leans in to unbuckle his passenger, and it's at that very moment that she realises that he has Josh with him too. She's a ball of raw emotions, knowing she is about to see her son for the first time in two years. And as soon as she sees him, she knows in that very instant, without a shred of doubt that he is hers, because for the very first time since leaving him behind she feels complete… And God is he beautiful, everything she had imagined him to be and so much more, an angel in her eyes. Choked up, she watches on intently as Josh reaches up to hold on to his daddy's hand before crossing the road. How she manages to contain herself, and stop the indescribable urge to run over to her son and bundle him up in her arms; hold him close and simply breath in the clean fresh scent of him, she can't quite comprehend it. Although, deep down a part of her knows that she has lost the right to do such a thing, so instead she keeps her distance and patiently waits for them to finish, not wanting to intrude, although finding it near impossible to tear her eyes away from them and their easy exchange. Tears fill her eyes as she watches Fitz push their little boy on the swings, taking care not to push too hard, and then in turn watching Joshua giggle in glee as he gradually goes higher and higher, wishing she was close enough to hear his little voice squeal in laughter and joy, to familiarise herself with the sound of him once more… Words can't begin to express the way she has missed him, and Fitz too for that matter, although thinking in that way was only going to get herself into trouble, as sadly she's acutely aware that any future dreams of being with Fitz was lost the moment she walked out on her family, and therefore her only focus now was to try and make amends for what she had done, although she doesn't really know where to begin with that either. It was not going to be easy, that's for sure, however she was not about to give up. She had been through hell and back over the last two years, and she has come a long way, emotionally and physically to be here. She may not deserve Fitz's forgiveness, and that goes without saying, because if she were in his shoes she wouldn't forgive herself either, but she's praying that he will at least give her the chance to explain, to hear it from her perspective and maybe try to understand why she did what she did.

But above all, she hopes that he will give her the chance to be the mother that she had always hoped to be, or at least the opportunity to finally start making up for all the precious time she has missed out on…

If only Fitz can find it in himself to give her that. If only…


	3. Chapter 3

**Ghost from the past**

" _Hey mum_ ," Fitz kisses his mum on the cheek as she greets him at the door, _"Hey son…"_ She then dusts her hands off on her apron before picking up Joshua for a much needed squeeze… " _Mwah_ , and how's my gorgeous boy today?"

"I'm good Nana," Joshua beams.

"Did you have fun at Nursery?"

He nods excitedly, eager to spill… "Poppy and I played cops and robbers today, and I had to arrest her in my car!" Anne couldn't help but giggle as she and Fitz share a knowing look- _Big Jerry's influence_.

"That's nice baby, Grandpa would love to hear that story, why don't you go and tell him… he's out on the veranda reading the paper…"

"Okay!"

She places him down, and he immediately runs off in the direction of Jerry… " _PAPA!_ "

Smiling, Anne turns back to Fitz, "You guys are early? I take it that you didn't spend long at the Park?"

"No mum, to be honest my stomach's been up and down all day, so I managed to barter with my son that if we left the park early, you and Pops will take him for an ice-cream later…?"

"Sure son, no worries…" She pauses and takes good stock of him. "I have to say you do look a bit peaky…"

" _Yeah I feel it_ … in fact, mum can you excuse me for a sec, I think I need the bathroom…"

She watches on worriedly, hoping that all he needs is some rest… Between his shifts at the hospital and looking after Joshua he's exhausted. She'll keep an eye on him, and if he doesn't perk up she'll insist that they stay over and she'll drop Joshua off to Nursery in morning instead-allowing him time to reboot.

Pulling her from her thoughts, Jerry calls over to her carrying Joshua back in aeroplane style… "Anne, pass me that bag over there for me please, I have something in there for Josh!"

She grabs it and takes a look inside, mockingly rolling her eyes… "Jerry I told you, this bright spark is going to be a doctor, not a mini you!"

Jerry laughs heartily, safely placing Joshua on floor before retrieving the item from the bag. Joshua's eyes light up immediately!

"Look at what Grandpa's got for you!" He tells him excitedly, as he presents him with a big police car… "It has a siren and flashing lights and everything!"

" _Woooow!_ " Joshua marvels, as he takes it from him; Jerry then looks smugly over at Anne… " _Doctor_ , I think not… this little boy is going to follow in his grandfather's steps, aren't you my son?" Joshua smiles at him brightly, as he ruffles his hair affectionately. "Besides, we have enough Doctors in this family."

Anne shakes her head in amusement… "You are something else Mister!" And she is about to tell him that she has a few subtle tricks up her sleeves too, when the doorbell interrupts her… She looks to Jerry, who shrugs his shoulders, who like her, is not expecting anyone either… Wondering who it may be, she walks over to the door to answers it… But nothing or no-one could have ever prepared her for the shock she was about to receive as she opened the door…

She gasps audibly. And upon hearing his wife's reaction, Jerry immediately gets up and stands beside her, only to find- he can't believe it either… _" **Olivia**?"_

"Hi Jerry, _Anne_ …"

Jerry is the first to regains the power of speech to question her, albeit not so invitingly... "What are **_you_** doing here?"

Nervous. " _I… I've_ come to see Fitz… _and.. and_ Joshua..."

Angered and outraged, " **You have some nerve…** "

"Jerry, _don't…_ " Anne halts him, knowing that this situation has to be dealt with extreme caution, but above all it needs to be handled by Fitz. She tells Jerry to go and get him, but he doesn't have to, as unawares to them all, Fitz is already standing there, completely aghast.

" _Fitz_..." Anne immediately goes to him, protectively placing her hands on his chest… He however (refusing to take his eyes off Olivia for one second), assures her that he's alright, before telling her in a tone unwavering and sure, and leaving no room to question his judgement, that they are to be left alone… "Mum, Pops, I want you to take Joshua for an ice-cream, take your cell phones… I'll call you when it's time to come back…"

Not needing any further instruction, Anne goes to get Joshua and calls over to Jerry to do the same… "Let's go get some ice-cream sweet pea."

 _"Is daddy coming too?"_ Joshua asks, slightly uneasy, having picked up on the sudden tension in the room…

Jerry, who has reluctantly resigned to his son's request, walks over to the pair of them and swoops Josh up. He smiles at him warmly, in a bid to disarm any worry he may have… "Daddy wants us to bring his ice-cream back later, after you and I share a rocky choco bowl first, _okay Champ?_!"

"Okay Papa."

Placated, Joshua rest his head in the nook of Jerry's neck, as Anne lovingly strokes his face, "s _weet boy._ " She whispers to him softly, as she gives Olivia a pointed look… "Let's go."

And so they head out without a further word, leaving Fitz and Olivia well and truly alone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Unforgiving**

"Can I come in…?" She's the first to break the silence, not to mention the tension... because she can literally feel his anger rolling off of him in waves, and for the first time ever she feels on edge around him.

"I suppose you must…" He replies coolly, as he walks further into the living room. She gingerly follows behind him…

"Why are you here, it's been two years Olivia, why come back now?" He notes her visibly flinch at his abruptness; if she's hoping for niceties she has another thing coming, he thinks venomously.

As she clearly struggles to find the right words, he finds himself taking a long hard look at her… She doesn't look anything like how he imagined her to look; refreshed, like she's been away enjoying herself all this time, but instead she looks the polar opposite, almost withdrawn. She's lost loads of weight, her collar bone jutting out, revealing the true extent of her weight loss… and her eyes that once seemed to sparkle bright are now overshadowed with a gloomy darkness which encircling them hauntingly… She looks older too, as if she has aged a great deal since the day she left. Although, he suspects she could probably say the same about him too, after all he's had to endure… Wherever she's been, it's clear to him that the years have not been easy on her… How he actually feels about that, he doesn't quite know, his emotions are all over the place right now; anger, concern, betrayal, hurt and love all wrapped up into one, all fighting to take control of this impromptu meeting with her…

"I know there's a lot that I need to explain…"

"Too right you do!" He interjects.

 _Anger it is then_ \- "Maybe you'd like to explain why you left your baby and husband without so much as a note detailing why, or maybe you'd like to explain where you've been the last two years, as I struggled to bring up our son without him knowing what it's like to have a mother…"

" _Please Fitz…_ "

"Please Fitz, what? Take it easy on you, _is that it?_ "

"Fitz, I'm sorry…"

"Forget it, I don't want your apologies, what I want is for you to rewind the time and stop yourself from walking out… Oh but you can't, _can you?!_ "

"Believe me, if I could I would…" She fighting to keep the tears at bay, but he doesn't care, instead he's relentless with his onslaught, as he continues to lash out…

"Well seeing as you can't, then there's nothing else you can do for me, _is there?_ So I suggest you go back to where you came from and leave me and my son be!"

"He's my son too Fitz…"

" _Oh no you don't…_ Joshua is **MY** son!" His level of voice begins to rise, as he gets more and more incensed by her gall… "All you are is the woman who gave birth to him; you have no right to call him your son! The day you walked out on him was the very same day you forfeited your right to call yourself his mother…"

"Joshua will always be my son Fitz, I've never stopped loving him, _never…_ " She replies with fierce conviction… "Not a day has passed where he has not been my very first and last thought... Please, I need you to know that when I left, it wasn't because I didn't care or love him Fitz… In fact, I left because I loved him so much; I didn't want to see him get hurt."

"Oh really, so you're telling me that it was love that made you up and leave him…"

"Yes!"

"Wow Olivia, you're even more screwed up than what I had perceived you to be!" He knows it's a low blow, but he can't help it, because all his self-restraint is been used up to prevent himself from physically removing her from this house…

She's crying now… "I really hoped that you'd give me a chance to put things right Fitz, that you'd allow me to explain and maybe try and understand why I did what I did…"

"I'd never begin to understand Olivia, _**NEVER**_ … Because you see, _I stayed_ , I never gave up like you, even when I had to except the fact that you were gone from our lives." _He finds he can no longer hold back the tears himself, as the grief he's had bottled for so long now comes rushing out…_ "I stayed Olivia, I stayed and continued to love and care for our son, when you didn't, _so no_ , I won't understand and neither do I want to… All I want to know is _WHY_ … Why are you back?"

Honestly. "Because I want him, _I need_ Joshua back in my life…" She pleads to him, but unfortunately for her it falls on extremely deaf and unsympathetic ears…

"Forget it, I'd be damned if you think I'll just let you waltz back into his life, like nothing ever happened… like you never abandoned him… I won't allow it!"

His point blank refusal however, stirs a whole new reaction from her, one of sheer determinacy and a strength, which she seemed to lack just moments before… "Fitz _I will_ be a part of his life, whether you will it, or not... even if it means I'll have to fight you in court…"

He's utterly incensed, "Like any judge in his right mind would allow you to have custody of Joshua over me…"

"Maybe not custody, you're right about that Fitz, but maybe once the court gives me the proper chance to be heard, they might just consider that it's in Joshua's best interest to get to know his mother, and allow me to visit with him, maybe even have him on weekends or holidays even…"

 **"** **Over my dead body!"**

" _Fitz_ , I've not come back to take him away from you, if that's what you think, because that's not my intention at all, you're his father and he needs you… And to be honest if I had a choice I'd rather not go down the legal route at all, _believe me…_ but I will Fitz, I will if you won't give me a chance…"

He doesn't answer her, so she carries on carefully… "I know this is a lot for you to take in right now, and I don't blame you for being angry with me either, I deserve it and more… And I'm not looking for your forgiveness either, because what I did was unforgivable, _I know that_ … All I want is an opportunity to make this right again…" She puts her hand in her pocket and retrieves a small card; she places it on the table… "I'll be staying here until I can find somewhere more permanent, you might find this hard to believe, but I'm not planning on going anywhere else, I'm staying for good…"

He looks at her in disbelief, as she bravely adds… "I'll give you a couple of days to think things over, my cell number is on the back, if you want to get in touch and I hope you will Fitz, I'll be there waiting…"

He turns his back to her, he's heard enough… " _I want you to leave…_ " he warns, barely keeping a lid on his desire to hurt her, hurt her the way she has, and is still hurting him… Sensibly, knowing she has outstayed her welcome, she takes heed of his warning and leaves without further ado, closing the door behind her, the words goodbye not even daring to pass her lips.

She barely gets to the lift, before she hears the table being thrown over in anger and frustration, splintering in two upon it collision with the front door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Processing**

"Come on little man", Fitz sighs as he covers Joshua up in a towel and lifts him out of the bath.

Much to Anne and Jerry's objection, wanting him to stay, especially after they discovered the carnage that his and Olivia's exchange had left behind, Fitz decided to head home instead. Thankfully, Joshua was fast asleep, cradled against Jerry to see any of it. Anne however was extremely troubled by the scene, and desperate to learn what Olivia had to say for herself. " _Not much,_ " he had answered wryly and then went on to insist that he was okay, when she began to fuss over him. Despite his attempt of appearing indifferent, his parents knew otherwise; the fact that they now needed to replace their dining room table, spoke volumes. It wasn't that he didn't wish to tell them what happened, because he did; only right now he needed some time and space to make sense of it all first. Olivia had left him with a lot to think about and therefore staying over at his parent's house was not an option, he would find no peace there, not when Jerry was fit to blow himself; it was hard enough dealing with his own feelings let alone his father's as well. So, after apologising profusely for the table and promising to reimburse them, he had thanked them for taking Joshua out, affectively shielding him from it all, before promptly leaving.

"Make sure you call me in the morning", Anne had told him, her voice tinged with concern for her boys as she saw them out.

By the time they got home, Joshua was awake, only now he was groggy and extremely uncooperative. Fitz was angry, angry at himself for letting Olivia's impromptu visit interfere with his son's bedtime schedule- interfere with their lives full stop! How dare she just turn up, and mess everything up! Despite himself, the evening's events were finally catching up with him and it was now having a rippling effect on his patience with Joshua, who was unwilling to undress out of his clothes and get into the bath tub. Pushed to the brink, Fitz finds himself raising his voice, "STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" startling Joshua, who is not used to such a harsh tones from his father, and instead of the desired effect to put an end to his whimpering it only serves to draw more tears from him. Immediately filled with guilt, and thinking he could not possibly feel any worse, Fitz pulls his son towards him, enveloping him in a hug as he whispers over and over that he's sorry, in a bid to sooth and console his little boy. This was the last thing he wanted, poor Joshua being affected by all this madness.

Eventually, Joshua's tears subside and he wraps his arms tightly around Fitz's neck, as if afraid to let go, seeking reassurance… "I'm sorry for being bad daddy" he whispers meekly, breaking Fitz's heart in the process… Fitz plants a kiss to his head, fighting back the tears himself as he tells him… "Don't you be silly son, it was daddy who was naughty for shouting, it will never happen again… _okay?"_

With a tiny nod, Joshua gives him a teary smile; letting him know in more ways than one that he is forgiven, before raising his arms up to allow him to take his top off, followed by his trousers and without further protest he is picked up and placed into the soapy water.

Bath time over and too sleepy for his usual cup of warm milk, Fitz dresses Joshua into his spider man jimjams and tucks him into bed. He gives him a kiss on his rosy cheeks, before reaching over to his bookshelf and retrieving their usual bedtime storybook; bless him, he doesn't even make it to the second page before Joshua doses off into a peaceful sleep.

With the gentle sound of his son's breathing gradually getting deeper, Fitz acknowledges that the coast is clear; and at last lets his veil down… He stays there for a while and watches Joshua intently, wishing he too could find a similar peace, but sadly knowing he will not, not tonight and not for many nights to come… As finally, he allows all his emotions to rush to the surface… And he totally is overwhelmed, wracked with incredible anger, fear and resentment but above all a fierce protectiveness over his son as well as his own fragile heart, as he begins to worry, trying to figure out what his next move will be, but having no idea where to start…

 _How on Earth was he supposed to play this one out?_


	6. Chapter 6

**Not before time**

It had been two days since she let Fitz know that she was back; two days since she had the first glimpses of her little boy and much to her dismay two whole days with not so much as a word from Fitz. She was beginning to worry. Worried that she'd have no other choice but to take legal action… God knows she does not want to do it this way, just the thought of it was making her feel ill, doubting her abilities to cope with the stresses that family court will bring, but like she told Fitz, it was something she had every intention of seeing through to the end, if he was unwilling to reason with her. She really hoped he would come around, or at the very least give her a chance to explain, but the way he immediately cut her down that day, uninterested and unforgiving, she realised she might not stand a chance. Of course she had not expected him to greet her with open arms either, but his cold indifference was something else, it was clear that any compassion he once felt for her was long gone… He didn't even afford her the opportunity to be in Joshua's presence for more than a minute; considering the way in which he had ordered his parents to quickly remove him from the apartment, or mores the point, as far away from her as possible; the actions of which had left her feeling wounded… In fact, she had spent most of that night and the following day in floods of tears just thinking about it… Knowing Josh was so close by, but being unable to see him, hold him; play with him, it was torture in itself. Since leaving Washington, the longing to be with her son had always been immense and it had not faded over time either, but now that she was back it had somehow intensified a thousand fold and she was finding it harder and harder to deal. At times like these reverting back to her old ways seemed the easiest thing to do, by giving in, giving up and letting her emotions completely consume her… However, in a bid to stop herself from doing just that, she decides to keep herself busy instead, anything to pass the time of day until Fitz eventually calls. And although doubts were already threatening to creep in and overwhelm her, knowing Fitz's character, deep down she still believes that he'll make contact. So staying positive, as well as proactive was the way forward, and therefore she was currently on hold to yet another estate agent, hoping to secure an apartment…

Staying at the motel was all well and good for a few days, but she needed something more permanent and fast, however finding somewhere suitable and financially affordable was proving to be more difficult than she had envisioned.

" _Hello mam, unfortunately we have nothing under that price bracket at the moment, but if something does come up, I have your details on the system and will endeavour to get in touch…"_

" _Oh_ that's a shame, _well_ , thank you anyway… _and yes_ …please do, _please call…_ " she offers politely, despite the lump building up in her throat, before hanging up the phone on the receiver. That was the eighth estate agent she had spoken to today, she was having no luck… Hope was fading fast, and unbidden tears were filling her eyes once more…

She takes a deep breath. " _Everything will work out fine, everything will work out fine_ " she whispers to herself, almost like a self-professing mantra, anything to block out the feeling of despair that was presently trying to set in.

Eventually pulling herself together, tears wiped away on her sleeve, she decides that fresh air is needed, a change of scenery… something other than the self-wallowing taking place in this room… so she slips on her shoes, puts on a jacket and heads through the door… Only to be met by Fitz on the other side it, resolve face in place and his hand raised, just about to knock the door.

She knew he would come, and with that lingering thought a tiny shred of hope was momentarily restored.


	7. Chapter 7

**Answers**

" _Fitz_ … _please_ come in…" She offers shakily. Nerves immediately kicking in as she realises this could be her only chance, the fear of messing this up was too great, but like him she quickly realises that she also needs to put her game face on. If she stood any chance of getting through to him and being with her boy again, she had to remain strong.

He doesn't say a word as he enters, silently gathering his thoughts as he looks around the room… He had thought long and hard since they last spoke. And when the initial anger transformed into a state of curiosity, he realised he owed it to himself and Joshua to at least find out why… _Why did she go?_ In order to make an informed decision with regards to her possibly having access to Joshua, he needed to hear her out. At the end of the day, despite the way he feels about her, he doesn't ever want to be accused of denying his son from having a mother, not unless he has just reason to, and this is why he was here now, he needed answers.

He takes a seat on a chair, prompting her to take a seat on the bed opposite as he begins… "I need to know why you left Olivia…" She swallows and nods… "I need to know everything… and only then will I be able to make a decision, as angry as I might be, I realise this is not about me, it's about what's best for my son, therefore I won't let it affect my judgement when it comes to you and him."

"Of course…" She agrees, clinging to his every word… Here was her chance, everything rested upon this moment, there was no holding back…

"I guess it started shortly after Joshua's birth…"

 _It had been a difficult one; he was three weeks early when he decided to make his presence into the world… The pains had begun a couple of hours after Fitz had left for work. Although this baby was not her first pregnancy, as her first ending in miscarriage, she was rather taken back by the feel of the contractions, in truth it had totally unnerved her. Not wanting to take any risks, as soon as it was over she rang for Fitz- when he didn't answer she left him a message, and then she immediately rang for a cab. Jerry and Anne were still abroad in Jamaica on their wedding anniversary, otherwise she would have called them instead._

 _When she got to the hospital, everything seemed to be happening so fast, she was wheeled into maternity, and being Dr Grant's wife meant she was immediately examined. They confirmed her suspicions; she was definitely at the beginning stages. She was scared and excited all at once, but above all she wanted Fitz to share this moment with her… Unfortunately, he was caught up in surgery, the hospital had put out an urgent call out for a replacement surgeon, but due to staff shortages it looked as though Fitz wouldn't be released for quite some time. For Olivia, as well as being a first time mum, that was a difficult pill to swallow knowing he couldn't be there, and it only made her even more nervous and anxious._

 _A couple of hours later, still no sign of Fitz, she had also left messages for Abby and David, but they were living in New York, so any chance in them getting there soon were slim, the same could be said for Quinn. She was a ball of nerves, restless and in increasing pain… her contractions were steadily becoming stronger and closer together, but unfortunately her blood pressure was on the increase too. All of a sudden, she didn't feel so well, she felt weird… She called for the nurse, telling her that she needed to be sick… her head was spinning, she needed some air… she tried to get out of bed, but the nurse stopped her and helped her get back in… just in time in fact, as she suddenly blacked out and her body begun to violently shake… she was fitting._

 _BP 160/100._

 _She was having and eclamptic fit, and now her baby was in distress because he was no longer getting enough oxygen… she was immediately rushed into theatre for an emergency delivery… Another urgent call was made to Fitz. With her fitting still compromising her blood supply, they had no choice but to operate… the foetal heart rate was deteriorating, there was no more time; they had to go in and save the baby… She was put under a general anaesthetic, and she was quickly prepared for a C-section._

 _Fitz burst into theatre, just in time for the birth of their son… He appeared fit and healthy, thank god, however the same couldn't be said for Olivia, whose machines were now beeping crazily, she was bleeding internally, and the surgeon was fighting to stop it…_

 _Fitz had looked up at her monitor; her BP was 210/120… dangerously high, he realised if something wasn't done soon, she was going to bleed to death… His panic got the best of him, and he was warned that he would be removed from theatre if he didn't calm down, they were doing all they could for her, and he just had to trust them. Not wanting to be removed, needing to be there with her, he obediently took a seat beside her. Wr_ _acked_ _with the fear of losing her, he started to silently pray that she would make it through._

 _It was touch and go, and for a split second he actually thought he was going to lose her, but in the end his prayers were indeed answered… He had sighed in relief when the surgeon informed that the stitches were finally holding. 20 minutes later she was moved to a private room for recovery; he and their son never left her side._

 _Olivia spent over a week in hospital, whereby she was completely overwhelmed by the entire situation; she had a healthy baby boy, a tiny life she was now responsible for, but yet she couldn't help but feel that she was already letting him down so badly… Due to the trauma of the birth, she could barely get around and do anything for Joshua in those first few days, and then coupled with the fact that he had come so early, despite Fitz assuring her otherwise, she found herself worrying that she didn't have everything ready for him back home. Her hormones were all over the place, as was her mood and she found herself crying whenever she was left alone with him, make it worst that he didn't want to feed from the breast either, which only served to impact upon her feelings of failure. Instead of telling Fitz, she had confided in Quinn about her worries and mixed emotions instead, because she didn't want him to worry, or worse, give him reason to see her as a failure too. Quinn assured her it was her hormones wreaking havoc on her rational, and nothing more… She was going be to fine, as long as she let Fitz help her._

 _And Fitz did help her, in fact he was marvellous with Joshua, a natural- as if he had done this before. The only problem was he was so competent with Joshua in comparison to her, who was struggling, the knowledge of which only caused her additional distress. What was wrong with her? By the time Fitz's two weeks paternity leave ended, she had worked herself up into a right state… she had convinced herself that she couldn't cope, but again chose to keep it to herself, in fear of judgement. Of course, Anne and Jerry had stepped in to help in Fitz's absence, but like Fitz they too handled Joshua with such ease that for her it only served as further proof… She was useless; a rubbish mother._

 _Anne didn't take long to pick up on the signs; post-partum depression. She thought it best that she approached the subject with Fitz first. Fitz had been so busy with work and helping out with the night shifts at home that he felt awful for not picking up on the signs himself. He planned to broach the situation with Olivia that very night, however when he got home he had found her passed out on the bedroom floor and Joshua crying out in distress. He managed to revive her, and drove her straight to the emergency room. They ran tests; she was dehydrated and extremely anaemic… It appeared as though she wasn't looking after herself properly. The doctor prescribed her with iron tablets and plenty of rest and after a quiet word with Fitz a mild dose of anti-depressants for the post-partum._

"You have no idea what it feels like being told you're not coping, that the birth of your baby has made you so depressed, that you're unfit to look after him without the aid of medication… I know you told me that it was common occurrence for many mothers, but for me it didn't feel that way at all…" Olivia reveals, "Instead it felt like it was just me, and that I was a complete screw up… and taking those tablets only compounded that feeling even more… So I didn't take them…"

Fitz looks at her in shock, all that time he thought she had been taking them… "But, but you appeared to be getting better?"

"To you maybe, but for me nothing changed, apart from the fact that I got better at hiding my feelings from you, and from your mum and dad too… However, when I was on my own I was bombarded with grief and sadness… no matter how hard I tried, I felt I couldn't be the mother Joshua deserved… I loved him so much, but yet it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough…" She pauses… "It didn't take long before I started to dwell on the past… You know what it was like for me growing up, in my father's eyes I was never good enough, always a disappointment, that's why he sent me away after my mother died. And now here I was again, nothing but a disappoint to Joshua. I couldn't shake that feeling off, and regrettably these thoughts went on to plague me for months…"

Fitz lowers his head, a feeling of guilt building up… How did he not realise this was going on under his own roof? Had work kept him so busy, that he neglected to note that his wife was struggling? Was he somehow to blame?

As if reading his thoughts, she offers… "This wasn't your fault Fitz, I admit there was a time I blamed you for not figuring it out sooner, but it was unfair to think that of you… because I was to blame, I should have told you…"

"Why didn't you?"

She answers him truthfully, "I didn't want to lose you; I had spent months deceiving you, making you believe I was taking my medication when I wasn't, I had also tricked you into believing that everything was okay… _by_ …" she hesitates slightly, knowing she's taking a big risk with this particular revelation, but equally knowing she needs to remain honest with him on all fronts… " _by deliberately engaging in sex with you, even when I didn't really want to…"_

He visibly pales.

The implications of her words strike him at the very core… He was at a loss for words. And she was beginning to wonder if she had made a huge mistake in telling him…

Eventually… "So, what you are telling me is that after Joshua's birth, every time I made love to you, you were just going through the motions, in some crazy attempt to distract me from the fact that you were falling apart?"

"I'm so sorry Fitz..." Her apology is heartfelt, but he won't hear of it... "Don't!" He interrupts her... "After all we've been through, how could chose to deceive me in such a way… Do you have any idea how that makes me feel, or how messed up that is?"

She's feels ashamed... "I know it was messed up, but I was desperate, I would have done anything to keep it from you, because I believed the moment I told you the truth, or as soon as you found out, you wouldn't want anything to do with me… I already hated myself enough; I was holding on by a thread and I knew there was no way I would cope if you hated me as well…"

It's a lot for him to process, but yet somehow there's this innate need within him to assure her… "I wouldn't have hated you Olivia, you were my wife… If I had only known…" He manages.

She gently intervenes, "I know Fitz; I've spent many nights beating myself up over that very same thought… but I was so lost back then, I was unable to make rational decisions."

Honestly, her explanation up until now had done very little to quell his discontent, if anything he felt even more wound up in knowing that she had kept all this from him, and that he himself had failed to realise it was happening… However, he was finally starting to see things from her point of view… and to be honest it was very bleak… She seemed she had been in a bad place for a very long time, and although she had found some sort of coping mechanism, through the art of deception… She was clearly very ill, and obviously by the time she walked out she must have reached breaking point… He was suddenly scared to ask, but he needed to know… "But you carried on like that for months, fooling us all, pretending everything was fine, when it clearly was not… So, I guess the unspoken question is, what caused you to finally break?" He asks in trepidation...

She closes her eyes as she recalls that fateful day... The memory of it still cuts like a knife... So much happened that day that some parts come back to her in bits and pieces, but one memory always sticks in her mind...

"Joshua wouldn't stop crying... _He just wouldn't stop crying..."_


	8. Chapter 8

**Answers continued…**

He didn't like the direction this was going, not one bit. Uneasy, he asks… "Olivia, what happened? _What did you do?_ "

She can barely look him in the eye, as painfully she goes on to recall, "I…I was hysterical, I started screaming at him… _screaming for him to stop…_ but it only caused him to cry harder and louder… and then… _then…_ " she chokes, struggling to get the words out.

Alarmed... " _Did you hurt him?!_ " He fires in accusation; his imagination already plaguing him with images, as it starts to put the pieces together… She couldn't, _could she?_ She wouldn't? A huge part of him doesn't even want her to answer him, just in case she confirms his deepest fears, _and then what,_ where would they go from there? Her disappearance was one thing; physically hurting their son was another thing entirely. He would never be able to forgive her, not for that…

Her hesitation to answer however causes him to immediately think the worst; and it's then that he completely loses his composure.

He approaches her… " _Olivia_ , **did you HURT him?**!" He frantically yells, shaking her, driven solely by his frustrations and fears; she trembles in his grasp… " _Answer me, damn it!"_

Crying openly now, she looks at him through red ringed eyes, before shaking her head…" _No…_ no, I didn't hurt him…" She confirms; but then bulldozer him with a second truth instead, by regretfully admitting… "But God help me Fitz, for a brief moment a part of me wanted to… _I just wanted it all to stop!"_

As soon as the haunting words leave her lips, he lets go of her, as if stung by them; her confession rocking him to the core. Unsteady, he takes a few steps backwards, wisely distancing himself from her, before heavily sinking back onto his chair. He cradles his head in his hands, suddenly feeling sick, unable to comprehend it all, or better yet even begin to understand how any of this could have taken place without his knowledge? _Had he been so blind?_ Since her return, Olivia has continued to accept her blame in all of this, but has he even thought about the role he's played? He looks at her now, the woman he once gave his heart and soul too, now drowning in a pool of her regret and misgivings, her pain still so raw, as if it had only happened yesterday. And it's clear to him that she has suffered, but then again haven't they all suffered here? Joshua had gone without a mother for far too long, he had lost his wife, and almost lost his job in the process too, not to mention the strain that this has put on the rest of his family; all at her hands. And now he must digest the knowledge that she could have potentially caused harm to their son!

It's almost too much, and they have only skimmed the surface, for one he doesn't even know where she went; where had she been hiding all these years? Did she seek help with her depression, or if not, why come back now if she still poses a danger to their son? He needs to know, but he's also acutely aware that maybe they have both had enough for one night…

"Olivia… _Olivia..._ "

She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, before anxiously raising her head. Brown eyes meeting blue, as he questions her gently… " _Look_ if this is too much, then let me know? I can come back another day, if that would be easier...?"

" _No_ , it's okay…" she sniffs, "I want to get this over with, it's just hard..."

He nods in agreement, he might not be as visibly shaken as she is, but inside he was mess too; which would probably account for his earlier actions; before today he had never handled her in such a way, and he suddenly feels ashamed by his behaviour… " _Olivia,_ I'm sorry for shaking you, I shouldn't have…"

"Don't Fitz, _please_ , there's no need to apologise; we're both on edge…"

" _Even so, I…_ "

"Fitz I'm fine, let's just forget it and move on please _…_ "

He pauses, " _Okay_ , but it won't happen again… on that I promise…"

Humbly, she acknowledges him, before taking a resolute stance, determined to press on and see this through to the end... " _So_ , where were we?"

He swallows, "You said you wanted to hurt Josh…"


	9. Chapter 9

**Desperate Measures**

 _Menacingly, the smooth steal seems to glare up at her, as if daring her to carry through with her intent… She tries to block out the piecing cries of her son as she directs her focus on to the blade, which is now pressing dangerously against her wrist. She nearly hurt him... how could she? What kind of mother does that make her? What kind of monster? She thinks hysterically. She was never worthy of being his mother; yes she loved him, but love was clearly not enough; because if it were, she wouldn't have even contemplated it… God, just the thought of it was making her want to spill her guts… The truth was that deep down she always knew she couldn't trust herself around him and today proved that... She was a liability now… And this was the only way to protect him, the only way to make it stop._

 _Knowing what needs to be done, she zeros in on the knife that is griped in her right hand and poised at her left wrist. Her breath stills; Josh's cries becoming a distant lull in the fog of her crazed mind, as she applies the necessary pressure to break the skin. At the first sight of blood, a hiss of pain escapes her lips, it hurts, but it doesn't matter, as she wills herself to continue, to drag the blade diagonally across…_

Impulsively Fitz reaches over, taking her hand in his own and turns it over, exposing her wrist to his gaze…He is greeted with a series of faint self-afflicted scars, but not the one he is looking for; the one that would indicate her attempt for a permanent end… _"_ _What happened?"_ He asks with a mixture of relief and anxiety.

"James". She tells him.

 _ **A knock at the door**_ _, a simple unexpected knock; that was all it took to break through to her. She drops the knife in the sink and backs away from the almost wreckage. Joshua's piercing wails suddenly coming to the forefront once more. Her hearts pounding with_ _adrenaline_ _._

 ** _Another knock…_** _"_ _Hello, is anyone there, it's James…" He must have grown concerned after hearing Joshua's's endless crying._

 ** _He knocks again_** _, becoming more persistent… Panicked, knowing she must answer the door in to order to avoid further alarm from James on the other side; Olivia quickly turns on the tap, and runs her wrist under the cold tap, washing away the evidence of her near self-destruct._

 ** _A fourth round of knocking…_** _Olivia breathlessly answers the door, a tea towel cleverly placed, masking her wrist from his view… "James?"_ "

 _Olivia, hi… I was just knocking to see if everything was okay…? I heard Joshua crying from the hallway?" He looks past her, his eyes searching and falling upon Joshua in his highchair, red faced and flustered, still crying, arms outstretched. Realising she's suddenly under close scrutiny, Olivia goes over to him and lifts him out of his chair, and brings him over… "Yeah, he's not a happy bunny at the moment; he's just getting over the croup as well, so…" James gives him a little rub on his back… "Poor little chap, I remember when Ella had it, she was so hot and miserable with it."_ "

 _I know, I was just trying to get him to eat something, but he's not interested…"_ "

 _Give him something sweet," he suggest, "that might work…"_ "

 _That's a good idea, thanks, I'll try that…"_

 _James looks over to her knowingly, "It's not easy, when they're sick, is it?"_ "

 _No, no it's not…" Olivia answers, sounding more exasperated then she intended._ "

 _Well, if you ever need a break, don't hesitate to ask; I'm just across the hall and I'm more than willing to take the little tyke for a few hours. Plus Ella would love to have a playmate closer to her age around." He offers kindly. Olivia gives him a wan smile, "Thanks James, I'll bare that mind." she replies genuinely, before finally seeing him out._

"As soon as I knew the coast was clear, I sat down with Joshua and fell apart... I guess the realisation of what had almost occurred had painfully sunk in and I was completely distraught. Not only had I come close to harming our son, if it had not of been for James, you would have come home that night to find our son screaming in his highchair and my lifeless body, bled out, on the kitchen floor."

Fitz's blood runs cold in response to her stark summation. He finds himself suddenly bombarded with the image of what could have been, and it unnerves him greatly. To think they had been so close to losing her for good. The notion of which tolls on him heavily.

"I don't know what to say…" he admits, clearly taken back…

 _"_ _What can you say?_ " She shrugs, "It is what it is; _completely screwed up…_ Words are not going to change that…"

"You needed help Olivia, clinical intervention, counselling, whatever it took!" He states powerfully, "And I should have realised what was going on with you sooner, maybe then we wouldn't be where we are now…"

"Yes, and I should have come to you… but I couldn't; instead I made the decision to leave…"

He looks at her, deep in contemplation. "You know, even now, after all that has been said… I still find it hard to accept…"

 _"_ _I know…"_

"So, how did it go exactly; you bundled him up, took him to mum's and ran, _is that it?_ "

"Yes and no…" she responds evenly. "At that point, I hadn't planned on leaving; I just knew I needed to take Joshua somewhere safe, somewhere far away from me. I was clearly in no fit state to look after him. After deciding it was best to take him to Anne, I somehow managed to pull myself together, got him ready and then quickly headed over there. I told Anne I needed to get a few things from the shop and then made a hasty departure." She lowers her head... _"I didn't even kiss him goodbye…"_ she chokes out; ashamed by her actions, knowing that the last moment with her son had been played out so insignificantly… Filled with regret, she explains tearfully, "you see, I didn't want to hang around for long, because I knew it would only be a matter of time before Anne took one good look at me and figured it all out... My fear of her finding out the truth had inevitably cost me my one and only chance to say a proper goodbye to my son."

 _It was a realisation that had torn her up emotionally and physically in the months that followed._

Wistfully, she continues… "After I left Joshua with Anne, I ended up wondering into a park... I took a seat on a bench opposite the children's play area..." She analyses, "I suppose subconsciously I was trying to punish myself. I watched parents play and laugh with their children as they helped them up climbing frames and slides; their smiles haunting me, as I realised the smiles I shared with my son had not been genuine like theirs, instead they were a mask for the inner turmoil that I had silently endured since the day of his birth. And because of that, I had caused our child to miss out on so much... If it weren't for your input and nurturing in those first few months, Joshua would have suffered greatly at the hands of my inabilities... And it was in that precise moment, sat alone on a park bench that it suddenly dawned on me; I would be doing him a massive favour if I just up and disappeared. _He was better off without me…_ And before I could even begin to process what a decision like that could mean for the future, I found myself back at our apartment, packing my bags..."

It burns him that throughout all this, she has failed to mention him… _Did his feelings not count for anything when she was making these life altering decisions?_ Sure, he hadn't come with the intention to discuss their relationship, but still... When she left his entire world fell apart! And yet, he is starting to wonder if she ever spared him a single thought... He tries not to focus on this particular point, after all, he was here for his son, but somehow he can't seem to shake the feeling of resentment... Although, hell would have to freeze over first before he lets on to her just how much she has hurt him. _He was done making himself vulnerable to her._ However, there is one thing he needs to ask...

"You said you couldn't bring yourself to tell me face to face, and to an extent I get that...but at the very least- you could have written me a letter Olivia, left a note, something… My God, anything would have been better than nothing... Instead you left me in the dark for all those years, struggling to make sense of it all... As my wife, don't you think you owed me more than that?!"

"I did owe you more", she agrees wholeheartedly... "And I wanted to leave you something, but every time I tried to put pen to paper, the right words never came..."

"Maybe that's because there were no right words..." He retorts bitterly.

She nods. "You're right Fitz... I couldn't find the right words to express how much I had failed to be the mother and wife that you and Joshua deserved? Or find the the words to explain why I was leaving you... How could I ever begin to justify walking away from the best thing that have ever happened to me, or the life that you gave me. I had nothing before you came into my life. You might think walking away was the easier option, but believe me Fitz it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do! But I did it, because no matter how messed up it was, I truly believed it was the best thing for Joshua's welfare, and above all his safety."

He doesn't doubt her motives, not any more, and although he doesn't agree with the decisions she had made, he finally understands why. But now it was his turn to make the decisions... _Was he going to let her back into their son's life, or not?_

Silence falls between them, as he takes a moment to digest it all... There is a lot to consider and weigh up, but inevitably he finds that above all there is only one significant factor that needs to be addressed here…

 _Was Joshua's safety still at risk, now that she was back?_


	10. Chapter 10

**Decisions**

"So do you believe her?"

"What's not to believe dad? She showed me her discharge papers from Merriview, she's been receiving treatment for her depression for over a year now…"

He shrugs, "So she's received treatment, fair enough; based from what you've told us she needed it- but Fitz we haven't heard a word from her in two years, not one single word, yet the second she's back you're ready to jump to her beck and call…"

"Dad, I haven't even made a decision yet, besides this is not about her, this is about what's best for my son…"

"Jerry, the boy is right…" Anne interjects, having remained silent up until now. She understands where her husband is coming from; he is looking out for the emotional well-being of their son, and she shares his concerns too, but the more she listens to Olivia's plight the less clear cut this decision becomes. Like her son, the girl had clearly been through the mill too, but whether she deserved a second chance; that's still up for debate. But the decision as to whether or not it is in Joshua's best interest to be given a chance to get to know his mother is something else entirely.

"How I see it, if Olivia can prove herself capable, and no longer a danger to Joshua, then I think supervised access, at the very least should be considered…" Fitz shares with them honestly. "All this time we've been angry at the fact that Josh has had to grow up without his mother; now that we have a chance to give that back to him, are we seriously going to choose to disregard it?"

" _So what_ , we just ignore all the pain and suffering she has caused?" Jerry argues back… "Have you truly forgotten what she's put this family through?"

"Of course not Jerry, and neither has our son, but we can't ignore what this could mean for Joshua."

Fitz puts his hand on his father's shoulders, in a bid to calm him… "Dad I love you, and I appreciate all that you've done for me and my son, mum too… And frankly, I don't know what we would have done without your support… But, it will forever play on my consciences if I let my feelings for Olivia get in the way of Joshua's future… As much as I don't want to admit it, he needs a mother, and at the end of the day Olivia is his mother." Fitz looks to his own mother… "But I do think dad is right about being cautious, therefore I'm going to start with supervised visits and depending on how it goes, take it from there…"

Jerry is unconvinced, "And what if she realises that she can't cope again, and runs off like she did before…? Joshua is at an age where he'll remember her now, and likewise also remember losing her too if she's unable to hack it; which if you want my opinion it's a possibility; that being said, surely it will only cause more damage than good in the long run?"

He sighs, "I hear you dad, I really do; and I'm fully aware of the risks involved… but depriving my son from a relationship with his mother, is something I can't bring myself to do… Especially now; because as messed up her judgement may have been back then, there is one thing I now know for certain, everything she did, from leaving him, staying away, to seeking help… she did it for Joshua. She loves him dad, and I can't ignore that even if I wanted to."

"So just forgive and forget, _huh?_ "

He shakes his head… "Hardly dad, because I have not forgiven her and I will NEVER forget… but I can try to rebuild, and move on."


	11. Chapter 11

**A cautious foot forward**

He had called her last night and arranged for them to meet up the next morning at a Bistro near him. He had already made up his mind from before he called her, but when she asked if he had made a decision, he remained cryptic and said he would prefer to discuss it with her in person. He supposes that it was cruel of him to keep her waiting, but to be honest; this was not something he wished to discuss with her over the phone.

He sees her at the door, shaking the rain off her umbrella; like him she has arrived early. She scans the tables and soon spots him, before nervously making her way over. He can't help but notice that she looks tired; well if the dark rings circling her eyes where anything to go by. What he doesn't know is that she hasn't been sleeping, not a wink since he left her motel room, unable to rest until he gave her an answer.

"Hi," She greets him apprehensively; taking off her jacket and taking the seat opposite from him.

"Hi... _thanks for coming_."

She looks at him incredulously, as if to say… _Are you being serious, what do you take me for, oh course I was coming?_ However, thinking better of it, she refrains from responding.

"Would you like a coffee, or…?"

"No..."

Now he's stalling. So she cuts him off mid-sentence; her anxiety getting the best of her now… "Fitz, I didn't come here to drink hot beverages, _I just…_ " She pauses, trying to regain her composure... _Did he have any idea what this was like for her?_ "Please, I need to know what you've decided." She pleads to him desperately.

Feeling a little bit guilty, he decides to delay no further, by telling her what she needs to hear… "I will agree to access…"

Her reaction is instantaneous, as she chokes out… _"_ _Really?"_ She almost can't believe it, but at the same time she's never felt more relieved in her life, like a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders… "Thank you," she tells him tearfully, overwhelmed by his decision… "You don't know how much this means to me…"

He gives her a moment. If her reaction is anything to go by, then he knows this means the world to her, however he also realises that he mustn't let her get too carried away, because this decision to let her back into her son's life, also comes with some restrictions… " _Olivia…_ " he calls to her; and with such as serious tone, that it doesn't fail to draw her attention…

Their eyes meet. He has her full concentration.

"I… I need you to know, that as much as I agree that this is in our son's best interest, this arrangement also comes with certain conditions…"

 _"_ _Conditions?"_

" _Yes_ , conditions…"

 _"_ _What are they?"_ She asks, unable to mask her trepidation; knowing she's not going to like this, but equally knowing she's hardly in any position to disagree. Although, truth be told; she wants this so badly, she'd walk through fire if he asked her to.

"I wish to take things very slowly, so to begin with, all visits will be supervised- I don't intend to go down the legal route, so the visitations will be supervised by me…"

She nods, she can't argue with that, "Of course…"

"Secondly, visits will take place somewhere public; on neutral grounds…"

If anything she is somewhat relieved that it won't be taking place at the flat, that place held too many memories for her, too many regrets and _what ifs_... "Okay, sounds fair enough to me".

And here's the difficult one, he thinks, unlike the others he's bracing himself for her not so eager acceptance… " _Lastly_ , and I recognise that this won't be easy for you, but I've thought long and hard about it and I will not have it any other way…"

She gulps, the fact that he feels the need to prepare her has got her feeling even more anxious... _"_ _Go on…"_

"Dependent upon how things progress, initially, I only want to introduce you to him as Olivia, not as his mother, _not yet…_ "

 **"** **What?!"** She's flabergasted; she wasn't expecting that at all… " _Why?_ " she questions flatly, hurt too.

He remains firm, as he explains his rational. "The reason being, as much as you say you'll stick around, I can't be for certain, therefore the last thing I want is to introduce you to him as his mother, and then a few months down line, you up and disappear again…"

"That's **NEVER** going to happen!" She fires back.

"Maybe so, but I'm not willing to take that risk, not with Josh…"

"But I'm his mother Fitz! How can you possibly introduce me as anything else…?"

"I'm sorry Olivia, but until you can prove to me that you're in this for the long haul, I will not change my mind on the matter, take it or leave it…"

It goes without saying, she's incredibly unhappy about this; for her, it's as if he's offered her something in one hand and then, just as quickly, snatched it away again with the other. Although looking at it from where he's standing, as much as it grieves her, she has to acknowledge that her disappearance has left him with very little faith in her. Evidently, she has a long way to go before he will ever learn to trust her again, and this is probably a far as he's willing stretch right now… But at least it was a start, she thinks, knowing it could have been worse; he could have said no… Therefore, she will take what she can get! At the end of the day, she's been given the chance to be with her son, and for now that's all that matters; the rest can come later…

And so, with no further deliberation she accepts his terms and conditions, and promptly sets a time and date for their first visit; whilst silently vowing, that no matter what obstacle she is faced with, she will stand firm, stay committed and prove herself worthy once more.


	12. Chapter 12

_Hi readers, thanks so much for the response so far... Just a quick apology re. Frankie- it's a force of habit, due to someone I know and write to often. Apologies, I've gone back and corrected it- thanks for the heads up Cleo x_

 _And for those who enquired about "I'm ready", I will be returning to it during the X-mas break. I had hit a mental block on that one._

 **Ms Olivia**

She's a shaky mess. Nervous to meet a toddler… It almost sounds ridiculous, but she is, extremely so. She hopes he likes her, but above all she wants to make a good impression, not only for Joshua's sake but also for Fitz. The last thing she wants to do is give him a reason to back out of this arrangement. She suspects a lot of her nerves resonates from the idea of him watching her every move, which she can't help but find slightly unnerving. But despite it all; the nerves and the worries, one emotion outweighs them all, and that is of joy.

Her hearts so full it could burst.

After she left Washington DC, she had resounded to the fact that she would never see her baby boy again, but in less than 10 minutes time that was all about to change. It kills her that she can't tell him who she really is, she wants nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and whisper in his ear that his mummy loves him. But sadly she can't. She also knows she can't stay mad at Fitz for that either; she'd have some nerve to expect him to make things easy for her. God knows, if the shoe had been on the other foot, she would probably do the same.

She eventually spots them on the foot path, gradually making their way towards her. Her heart begins to speed up in anticipation, the moment she's dreamt of was finally going to happen. She literally has to swallow the lump building up in the back of her throat as she now fights to keep her tears at bay.

He sites her ahead shifting on the spot; nervous no doubt… To be honest, he was nervous too, because he realises that there is no going back after this. He hopes he's not making a huge mistake by letting her back into their lives, and even more so, he prays for her sake, as well as Joshua's that she will not let them down. Swinging his hand, Joshua talks to his animatedly, mainly about what he wants to play on at the park, totally oblivious to the pivotal moment that is about to occur. It saddens him, that when Josh finally meets her he won't really know who she is. Not that he's second guessing his decision, because he knows he made the right move on that front, but all the same, it was a sad notion to think that Olivia will be nothing but a stranger to him.

He knows for a fact that Joshua won't recognise her. For one, after Olivia left he had erased all memory of her from the apartment. Joshua was only 10 months old, he had been too young to remember her, and Fitz didn't want to be reminded of her; the pain was too acute. So he removed all her belongings, clothes, shoes, perfumes, even pictures of her… He recalls how the place had looked barren once her stuff was cleared out, symbolic really, as at the time it mirrored the exact feelings of his heart… Barren.

It wasn't until Joshua started nursery; where he met other little boys and girls, who spoke of their mummy's, did he grow curious and began to ask about his own. At first Fitz didn't know how to respond, but then he decided that the truth was the way to go, so he told him that his Mummy had gone very far away and sadly wasn't coming back. Joshua simply took it for what it was, and then dropped the subject all together.

Only thing was, his mummy was back now, and he had no idea how Joshua was going to react to that news.

They're bridging closer now, and Olivia starts to walks over to them too… This is it, he thinks, this is the moment of truth.

"Hi," she greets Fitz first of all, and then she looks down and gives Joshua her biggest and brightest smile, as she says a personal hello to him too.

 _"Hi"_ , he replies shyly, as he looks from her and then back to his father again for reassurance. Fitz smiles at him, letting him know everything is okay, as he gently explains… "Joshua, this is Ms. Olivia, an old friend of mine. I haven't seen her in a long time, so we arranged to meet up here at the park…"

"I hope you don't mind Joshua?" she asks politely, causing him to smile back at her bashfully, "No I don't mind Ms. Olivia…" He replies, ever so sweetly, and then looks to his father…"But daddy, will you still push me on the swings?"

" _Hey,_ I love the swings!" She tells him enthusiastically, drawing his attention back to her… "Me too, they're my favourite!" He shares with her, quickly coming out of his shell. As usual, it doesn't take him long to find his feet and settle in…

Fitz sees it as his cue… "Hey champ, I tell you what, why don't you let Ms. Olivia push you on the swings…?"

His suggestion however appears to momentarily back fire, as Joshua's face immediately scrunches up in disdain; not too keen on the idea it seems. Fitz had forgotten how particular he could be about such things… He senses that Joshua is about to protest, the words…"No, I want you daddy" are literally formulating on his lips, so he quickly puts heed to them, by driving a hard sale and stating… "From what I remember, Ms. Olivia is a pro when it comes to the swings!"

Luckily it works like a charm and despite his reservations, Joshua's big blue eyes immediately light up… _"Really?"_

" _Oh yeah_!" Olivia adds playfully, following Fitz's lead; crouching down and levelling Joshua with her eyes; her body language now oozing warmth and invitation, successfully disarming any uncertainty he has left, as she softly whispers… "I promise not to go too high!"

It's enough for him, as trustingly he places his tiny hand in hers… _"Okaaay Ms. Olivia_ " and leads her straight to his favourite swing; with a confidence that belies his age.

Fitz is astounded, as is she. She, who suddenly finds herself in sensory overload… His gentle tugging, the feel of his hand gripped in her own; she follows him blindly; overcome with emotion; her heart swelling with adoration and pride; completely and utterly mesmerised by him, as he effortlessly draws her into his world.

It's almost too good to be true… _Perhaps this was all a dream?_

However, an angelic voice calls her from her musings… _"Ms. Olivia, aren't you going to help me up?"_

And she laughs, _really laughs_ , for the first time in a long while it seems… _"Sorry gorgeous, of course…_ " she chimes, lifting him up. At that precise moment the urge to shower his chubby cheeks with kisses is immense, but she refrains, knowing it's too soon… and instead places him securely on the swing.

 _No, this was not dream_ ; this was the real deal… For it were a dream she wouldn't have had to hold back from kissing her son… but she refuses to let that thought ruin this precious moment, despite her restrictions she continues to beam brightly, leaning forward now, as she asks him… "You ready sweetie?"

She is met with a toothy grin, and an eager nod… " _Uh huh_ , I'm ready!"

Wordlessly, Fitz takes a seat on a bench and watches on… She seems awkward at first; handling Josh with extreme caution and care, but not before long, eventually eases into it, laughing and smiling with him… It doesn't surprise him in the slightest that Joshua seems taken with her too. After all he was a sociable little boy, always had been… why would he be any different with her? He knew, the moment she smiled at Joshua, he would give in to her…

 _After all, her smile used to have the same effect on him too._

 **Stop it Fitz, stop it right there!** He berates himself as soon as the thought passes; he will not do this to himself; _not again_! Their future was shot the day she emotionally closed him out, and walked out on their life and love. This arrangement was solely about Josh, and nothing more…

 _Even if his every waking thought was about her these days, now that she was back…_

He looks down at his watch; unbidden thoughts now making him anxious to wrap this visit up. He had pre-warned her earlier that he wanted to keep the first meeting brief, which she had reluctantly agreed to over the phone…

It's been 20 minutes so far, 10 more minutes he thinks and then he'll make his way over…

Conscious of the time, regretful, she realises she's only got a few minutes left with him. She doesn't want it to end, but she knows she has to conform with Fitz's wishes, if she wants to secure future visits… But this was hard, so very hard on her…

From the corner of her eye, she spots Fitz getting up and making his way over… Joshua notices him too, and instinctively runs over to him… " _Daddy, daddy…_ did you see me go down the big slide?" He relays excitedly… "Ms. Olivia helped me up the stairs!"

"I know son; that was very cool!" Fitz exclaims proudly, ruffling the unruly mop of curls on his head…

"I want to do it again!" Joshua announces running back to her… " _Ms. Olivia, Ms, Olivia…_ can you help me up the stairs again, _pleeeese…_ "

She looks over to Fitz; his expression says it all… Times up, she can't… " _Aaaaaw Josh_ , I wish I could sweetheart, but I didn't realise the time, I need to make a move…"

 _"OOOooh!_ " He whines.

Firm, but without raising his voice, Fitz warns… "Now, now… Ms. Olivia needs to go, so we will have none of that Mister, _okay?_ "

Pouting… _"Okaaay daddy…_ "

"Good, that's my boy, now why don't you go and give Ms. Olivia a hug, and say goodbye, hopefully you will get to see her another day…" The prospect of seeing her again, quickly puts a smile back on his face again, as he now walks over to her arms opened wide.

She doesn't hesitate to swoop him up, hugging him close and breathing him in… "Goodbye sweetheart," She whispers to him, struggling to keep her emotions in check.

 _"Bye Ms. Olivia…"_

She takes one more squeeze of him, savouring every second, before begrudgingly handing him back over to Fitz…

"We'll speak," Fitz tells her flatly; she nods in accord, unable to speak in fear of breaking down, unshed tears already threatening to spill, as she turns and makes a hasty retreat.


	13. Chapter 13

**Reflection**

After the first visit with her son and the subsequent meltdown that followed, Olivia seriously began to doubt that she'd be able to cope with another encounter… Leaving her boy at the park, the pain it caused was excruciating, it almost felt like she was reliving the moment when she had walked out on him two years ago. It had crushed her completely, to the point that when she entered her motel room, all she was fit for was collapsing onto the bed and crying, for what felt like hours. When Fitz called her later that evening, she had just about pulled it together long enough to hold the short conversation with him. He told her that he thought it went very well, she agreed; and then he quickly set a date for next week. _Next week?_ To be honest she didn't know if she was disappointed or relieved… Disappointed, because that meant she wouldn't be able to see her sweet little boy for another week, and yet relieved because she figured it might take her that long to emotionally recover from their first meet up.

Being with Joshua, playing with him, talking and interacting with him was both wonderful and bitter sweet. Fitz had clearly done a wonderful job in raising him; he was polite, friendly, bright and extremely confident. It had been such a pleasure to be around him; that it started to make her wonder how she could have ever thought otherwise... It was in these moments of clarity, that she truly appreciated how sick she must have been leading up to the day she left. Looking back now, she finds it hard to comprehend how she could have even convinced herself that leaving him behind was for the best? In hind sight, what she should have done was turn to Fitz for help; that way she would not have felt forced to leave in order to keep Josh safe. But between a skewed sense of pride and the postpartum depression, it had cost her everything, because being out of her son's life for nearly two years, was not a good decision for anyone involved.

Just spending thirty minutes with him had made her realise how much of fool she had been by staying away; she had missed out on so much. And although it had twisted her up inside every time he called her Ms Olivia, she was still extremely thankful that Fitz had given her this chance to make up for lost time.

Being with her Joshua brought a sense of joy and fulfilment to her life that she had been desperately missing, but it equally came with immense guilt and way too many regrets. It was an emotional roller-coaster, where the easier option would be to get off, rather than to stay on and endure it. However, enduring it was what she had every intention of doing... As hard as this was, she hadn't come this far to simply walk away…


	14. Chapter 14

**Little baby steps**

The next few visits seem to go by without incident; her time with Joshua continues to be light and easy and the goodbyes, although still difficult, she was gradually learning to manage them better. She had also spoken with her old therapist, Dr Synnaire, a couple of times in the last few weeks too, and upon her advice had booked an appointment to see her later today.

Dr Synnaire wanted to review her progress. Olivia had officially stopped taking medication for her depression about a month or so before her return, so she just wanted to make sure she was coping fine without them, especially now that contact was being made. And when it came to Joshua, Olivia didn't want to take any chances either, so to be cautious she was more than happy to meet with her. But first she had an apartment to view. After searching tirelessly for something suitable and something well within her price bracket too, Olivia had finally come across a studio flat, about 20 minutes walking distance from Fitz's place… It seemed ideal; she was apparently the second viewing for the morning, following a young couple. She just hoped that they didn't put an offer in before she got a chance too.

"It's perfect…" she exclaims, walking over to the living room window to take a look outside at the view; not that it mattered either way, she was sold from the moment she stepped into the apartment.

The estate agent grinned, realising he didn't even need to push for a sale. "If you have the money to secure a month's rent and deposit, we can sign the papers today Mrs Grant?"

Enough said. She had the money to do that, and enough to cover next month's rent too if needs be. _"Where do I sign?"_ She had replied giddily.

An hour later she had signed the lease and an exchange of money and keys sealed the deal. Things were finally looking up; all she had to do next was find herself a part time job, hopefully something not too stressful, but enough to cover the rent and bills. Being out of work for the last two years meant that financially money was very tight. She had thought about getting in contact with the law firm she had worked for prior to her maternity leave, that's if they would consider having her back. Although she wouldn't want to work in the same position she left in, she'd prefer to work as a legal support assistant instead. It was key that she eased herself back into work, as she couldn't afford any additional stress.

Looking down at her watch, unable to comprehend where the time had disappeared to, she realises she has less than an hour to get to Dr Synnaire's office, she was already cutting it a bit fine. So, after thanking the estate agent, who handed her his personal business card, telling her suggestively that if she needed any help she should call him directly, she made a swift departure.

A bus journey across town, followed by a brisk 10 minute walk she finally steps into the reception of Dr Synnaire's office, and checks in with five minutes to spare. Picking up a magazine from the coffee table, she takes a seat in the empty waiting room and waits patiently for Dr Synnaire to finish up with her other patient; suddenly eager to fill her in on her good news.

" _Aaaw Olivia_ , my dear, it's good to see you… come on in…"

"Hi, it's good to see you too Dr Synnaire," Olivia smiles upon entering the room and taking a seat. Dr Synnaire takes the seat opposite her; she doesn't fail to recognise her upbeat deposition.

"Olivia, I have to say it's good to see you in such high spirits…" She comments, jotting notes down on her pad as they converses. Olivia thinks back to when she first starting seeing Dr Synnaire, and how she used to find the constant jotting down of notes in her sessions a little unnerving, as it made her feel scrutinised, but now she hardly paid attention to it...

Dr Synnaire had first met Olivia at Merriview, when she worked there as the resident psychologist. Olivia had admitted herself after a failed overdose of pain killers. She had been in pretty bad shape; and was immediately diagnosed with severe depression, after her admission of self-harming, suicidal thoughts and several attempts to take her life; plus her weight loss was also a cause for concern too. Despite Olivia's desire to get better, she was not the most forthcoming of patients in session. Very closed off in the beginning, the only thing she was willing to discuss was her son, who she missed dearly, and who was now her sole motivation in getting the help she needed. It wasn't until much later on in her therapy, during a particularly emotionally charged session, that her past with her father and the abandonment she experienced following the untimely death of her mother, was brought to light; which then finally caused her to touch upon her relationship with Fitz, because he had played such a pivotal role in turning her life around. Before Fitz, Olivia had spent her late teens and early adulthood searching for love in all the wrong places, sleeping with, and dating the wrong type of men; men who failed to treat her with the respect that she truly deserved. But that all changed when she met Fitz during her third year of college; he was the first person, in what seemed like a very long time to genuinely care about her. And that's why, above everyone else, she had found discussing her feelings about Fitz the most difficult, because quite frankly it was too painful to address the guilt she had built up, in knowing that she had let down the only person that loved her, in the worst possible way.

Considering her past, Dr Synnaire suspected that Olivia probably needed some form of counselling well before her postnatal depression set in. The poor woman had a whole host of demons that she had not properly addressed. Her courtship and marriage to Fitz, which had been near perfect, had happily provider her with the distraction she needed to forget about the past. But sadly, it was the miscarriage of their first child that brought a number of the cracks to the surface again. She had loss the baby at 14 weeks, and it had hit her very hard. To be fair, it was a difficult time for the both of them; they had got so excited at the prospect of starting a family together, that when she lost the baby it felt like they had lost all their future hopes and dreams along with it too. But whilst Fitz mourned, she became fixated on trying to mend what was broken, but it seemed like the only way to do that was to try for another baby. Fitz felt like she needed more time, that she needed to grieve for the baby she had just lost first, but she wouldn't listen to reason. Of course it didn't take Fitz long to give in to her; at the end of the day he only wanted her to be happy, and if having another baby was the way to do that, then he would give her what she desired.

It didn't take long for them to get pregnant again. And as soon as Olivia found out she was expecting, her whole demeanour changed for the good; she appeared genuinely happy again, because this pregnancy had affectively become a buffer to the source of her sadness. However, neither she nor Fitz had banked on the possibility of her developing postnatal depression, nor its ability to prise open the gates to all her latent issues, which started to manifest into something that could no longer be ignored; subsequently tipping her over the edge, and landing her as an inpatient at Merriview.

It was a combination of intense therapy sessions and well-regulated medication that had slowly but surely pulled her out of self-destruct mode, and drew her into a more reasonable state of mind where she could rationally access her current situation and emotions, without falling back into a cycle of disparaging thoughts and internalised chastisement.

As the weeks turned into months, Olivia had begun to show promise of a full recovery, where regaining a relationship with her son continued to be the major driving force behind her rehabilitation. After 7 months of extensive treatment, followed by an additional six weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy, Dr Synnaire had advised Olivia to make contact with Fitz, in order to strengthen the process of healing and moving forward. However, Olivia had been very reluctant to do so whilst she was still under the care of Merriview, and therefore did not start making plans to make contact until a couple of months later, when she was officially discharged.

It was from there that she continued seeing Dr Synnaire privately at her own practice, once a week, until she was eventually advised that it was safe for her to stop taking medication all together.

 **That was almost six weeks ago…**

"Olivia that's very good news, I'm glad that it's worked out for you, I know how stressful that housing situation was becoming."

"Yes, it really was… but I got there in the end!" She beams, feeling immensely proud of herself.

"And how are the visits with Joshua coming along?"

"Really good actually, as you know the goodbyes have been especially hard; not to mention the fact that Joshua is still in the dark as to who I really am, which still hurts like hell, but apart from that, little by little we're developing a bond that is bringing us closer and closer… He's such a sweetheart, honestly I can't get enough of him."

" _And what about Fitz?_ The last we spoke you said that he's been keeping his distance from you, as and where possible… Is that still the case?"

Olivia nods, "Yes, not much has changed on that front, he remains civil at the best of times, other than that, he keeps all conversation strictly about Joshua."

"So I take it that you two have not discussed your relationship yet?"

"Hardly," Olivia admits solemnly, only wishing she had more to say on the matter… Although Fitz is always around when she's with Joshua; apart from that one night at her motel, she has not spent any time with him alone; which she had found hard to accept… "Other than Joshua, he doesn't want anything to do with me…"

"Has he said that to you?"

"No, not directly, but he doesn't have to, I can tell by his behaviour towards me; he is totally indifferent, as if we were merely strangers… Actually I take that back, because when I met him for the first time, when we were actual strangers, I got more compassion from him then, than what I do now, despite our history…"

Dr Synnaire scribbles something down on her pad, before looking over to her again and asking gently… "And how are you coping with that?"

She pauses… "Some days I deal with it just fine, I remind myself that the most important thing is having Joshua back in my life, which Fitz has made allowances for, and to which I am extremely grateful, but then there are other days, where his aloof manner really gets to me… and I find I miss him terribly, even when he's right there next to me…"

Dr Synnaire ponders briefly on those last few words, before carefully calling her out on it… "Before you left for Washington DC, you admitted that you still loved him, do you still feel that way about him, now that you're back?"

 _Let's not beat around the bush, I see…_

For a moment Olivia had forgotten how direct Dr Synnaire can be with her questions; getting her to bare her soul no matter how raw and vulnerable she is feeling… She recalls, Dr Synnaire had once explained the only way to begin the healing process is to start by being honest with yourself… And only then, can you work on being honest with others. She sighs; realising there's no point in denying it… "I don't think I'll ever stop loving him…"

It's a big statement; and one that is bound to have huge ramifications in the way that she manages Fitz's behaviour towards her… It worries Dr Synnaire somewhat, as she fears that if Fitz does not reciprocate these same feelings for Olivia, Olivia may internalise his rejection in a dangerous manner, and it could well be the catalyst for a major setback in her progress. The key here was for her to realise that whatever Fitz decides, she must not punish herself if it's not the answer she is hoping for, and above all she cannot allow it to dictate her future relationship with her son. For Joshua has been, and will continue to be the only person that truly grounds her, the key factor in her rehabilitation. He is the one who has kept her motivated and focused on getting better and without him in her life it would most definitely lead to a relapse. Therefore it was vital for her to keep her feelings for Fitz and Joshua separate, and not muddle the two together…

"Olivia, I think it's good that you can be honest about your feelings for Fitz, but at the same time I don't want that to have impact on the progress you are making with Joshua… You need to decide what is more important right now, having Joshua in your life, or is it having Fitz? Not that I'm saying it's impossible to have them both, maybe in time that can happen, but right now…"

" _I know, I know…_ I must only focus on Joshua, and the majority of the time that's what I do, but sometimes I can't ignore my feelings for Fitz either…"

Dr Synnaire takes on a more serious stance, as she tells her frankly… "Fitz and you have a very long way to go Olivia… For one, although you have been very forthcoming with what happened leading up to your departure and then your time spent at Merriview… You have not been completely honest with him with regards to the other matter, _have you…?"_

Tears begin to form in her eyes, as Dr Synnaire touches upon a very sensitive subject… "But I can't, _I can't tell him…_ not yet…"

"And I understand Olivia, _I do_ ; because you're nowhere near ready to broach that subject with him. However, _know this_ ; until you are ready, and you can be completely honest with him, your relationship with Fitz has no real chance of moving forward, not whilst this secret remains between you…"

"I know that, and you're right… _It's just... It's too much…_ " she weeps, wiping away stray tears.

"Remember Olivia, _little baby steps_ ; that is what's needed right now… Developing a relationship with your son, that comes first, and then, when the time is right and you're ready to face it- you can concentrate on Fitz…"


	15. Chapter 15

**Painful Memories**

 **There were times where she would forget she had ever done it,** and then other times where the knowledge of her actions would come flooding back, threatening to consume her whole. She has had many regrets in her lifetime, a list as long as her arm, where unfortunate circumstances had inevitably led to poor and irrational decisions being made on her part; like walking out on her son and husband, which obviously topped the list. _But this…_ this came in at a very close second, and unlike the first, there was absolutely nothing she could do to change what was done…

Thinking back, some people would have thought her decision was pretty rational… Considering all that had happened, the post natal depression, the reason why she left her family in the first place… _How could she even contemplate going through it again, under these circumstances?_ Not to mention that clearly she was in no fit state, mentally or physically to put her body under that sort of strain.

She had always considered herself Pro-life until the moment she was faced with the impossible. She didn't like the idea of getting rid of her baby, not one bit, _but what other choice did she have?_ She could hardly go back to Fitz and ask for help… Besides, she knew what he would want, and she knew there was no way she could have another child.

The only other option left was adoption. However, she knew she couldn't go through with that either; to carry that baby for 9 months and then possibly face another traumatic birth...only to go and break her heart once again by handing the baby over to a complete stranger... No way! Besides, she could never do that to Fitz, give away his child without his knowledge. If anything she would have given the baby to him.

Therefore the most logical decision would be for her to have the abortion. However, once a decision like that was made there was no turning back… Which she had found out only too well; immediately after the physician switched off the machine and announced stoically "It's all over now Olivia," before getting up from his position in between her spread thighs and removing his gloves, whose tips where now tinged in her blood and her baby's... She felt like she was going to be sick. "I'll go and get the nurse now, to help you get cleared up". He told her and then he exited the room, leaving her alone for a few minutes.

God, even now the memory of it still haunts her… Lying alone on that gurney, the harsh reality of what she'd done hitting her like a freight train... Uncontrollably, she began to cry, although it was more akin to wailing; gut wrenching sobs escaping her, as she screamed in anguish, feeling ashamed and guilt ridden with grief by the cause by her actions… By the time the nurse came in, she was completely inconsolable; that the doctor on duty had no choice but to sedate her.

The days that followed her discharge, were some of bleakest days she'd ever endured… She'd go from endless crying to absolutely nothing, and then back to crying again… The pain of her lost, _her many losses…_ it was so acute, that the only release she found was when she decorated her wrists and arms with tiny shallow cuts, and even then it wasn't enough… Eventually, it came to a point where she didn't want to feel anything anymore…

A bottle of paracetamol, chased by half a bottle of wine and as fate would have it, a persistent landlord after his rent, finding her unconscious on her couch, had landed her right back into hospital… The doctors had advised her then that she should seek therapeutic treatment, but at the time she really wasn't in a place to receive help... After all that she'd done, she felt help was the last thing she deserved.

And it went on like that for months, the self-harming, coupled with suicidal thoughts and acts; and when she wasn't doing that, she'd continue to punish herself even further, with endless thoughts of Joshua, laughing and playing with, _who would have been his little brother or sister…_ if only she stayed, _if only she hadn't gone through with the ab…..._ even now she can't bring herself to say the word aloud… As she mourned for a future that would never come to pass, due to her selfishness and the wicked things that she'd done.

It wasn't until her third (and final) attempt to kill herself, where she was hospitalised once again, did she actually begin to recognise the danger she had become to herself… Thoughts of Joshua plaguing her once more, only now she pictured him much older… looking for her…. looking for answers… _Why had she left him?_ _Did she ever love him?_ Only to find her gone, permanently removed, dead, her body buried six foot under, with only a tombstone to look at; offering no real answers to his questions, other than the fact that she had given up completely.

She couldn't do that to him, not on top of everything else… If anything she needed to make amends for all the wrongs she had committed to both Joshua and his father, _not to mention the tiny life that she had put a premature end to._

But before she could even begin to do that, she first had to admit to herself the one thing that she had been denying for so long…

 **She was very ill and she needed help.**

During her stay in the hospital, she opened up to her doctor, Dr Brunswick, about the desperate situation she had found herself in; in fact he was the one who recommended Merriview, as a good place to start. Although by then, she had already made her mind up, and immediately after being discharged from hospital, she found herself on the doorstep of Merriview's Mental Health Care Facility, and finally had herself committed.

At last, it was a decision that held no regrets.

Everything that had happened from there onwards… Every session, every pill she forced herself to swallow, every tear shed, every single truth that she had to face and then learn to accept had been a stepping stone to where she was now… Having to deal, face to face with her past; Joshua and Fitz, as well as the rest of the carnage that she had left behind… And to be fair she has done just that! She came back and faced up to her share of the blame, humbly accepting the anger and criticism that had been cast her way, without letting it break her… Whilst continuing to persevere onwards, passing up moments where it would have been easier to just give up and give in...

No one can deny that she has come a long way. However, despite the progress she has made, no matter how hard she tries; no matter how much she wants to be 100% honest with those she need to be; with Fitz in particular… When it came to this secret that she's been holding on to, she doubts she will ever find the courage that is needed to confess what she did…


	16. Chapter 16

**Birthday Plans**

Out of sheer charm alone, Joshua had somehow managed to cajole both Fitz and Olivia into the sand pit with him to make sand castles… Only now, barely a few minutes into it, it appears that the novelty has already worn off, as he gets up and leaves them to their own devices, preferring a little wonder around the playground instead. Fitz had half expected Olivia to go after him, but instead she stays behind…

He looks over at her… Despite himself, he finds he can still read her like a book; something was off with her today, he's sure of it…

She looks at him apprehensively, " _So_ , Fitz…"

 _He thought as much…_

"I was thinking; its Joshua's birthday next week… and I don't know if you've already made plans, but it would mean a lot to me if I could get to spend some time with him on his big day… Maybe have some cake with him, watch him open up a few presents, _that sort of thing?_ "

He doesn't know whether he should be surprised or impressed that she's remembered, considering that this will be the first birthday she's ever been around for. Funnily enough, he had planned to bring it up with her later that week, but seeing as she's beat him to it, he'll share his plans with her now…

" _Well,_ Mum and Dad are having a little party for him at their place on Thursday, family and friends have also been invited… They were thinking a superman theme would be fitting, seeing as Joshua is completely obsessed at the moment!"

She giggles as she looks over at Josh, poignantly sporting his superman t-shirt for the second week running… "He won't take it off, will he?"

"Nope!" Fitz chuckles with her, sharing in on the joke… "I've lost count of how many times I've washed it this week."

 _"I bet!_ " She laughs along with him.

He pauses. "Olivia, would you like to come to his party?" He asks suddenly, effectively putting her on the spot; their easy banter from mere seconds ago quickly evolving into something a little bit more serious.

Not expecting that at all, her brow creases as she considers his incredibly generous offer…"I'd love to be there Fitz, there's nothing I want more than to celebrate Joshua's birthday with him" she confesses, but then adds honestly… "But I doubt I'll be welcomed… _your parents…_ "

"My parents will deal Olivia, it's Joshua's birthday, they won't cause a fuss…"

She's torn, because she's sceptical of the reception that Fitz presumes she will receive if she dares to turn up. She knows for a fact that deep down Jerry wouldn't want her to be there; Anne would probably tolerate her… _but what about the others? She wonders who else will be coming_ … just the thought of seeing all these faces from the past, people who she has not spoken to since she left, who, more than likely would have formed an unfavourable opinion of her; it will make her attendance to the party feel something akin to walking into a lion's den... Which hardly sits easy with her… Although, having said that, if this was the only way she was going to be with her son on his birthday, then she wasn't about to turn down the offer either; for Josh's sake, she would just have to put up with whatever they'd choose to dish out.

Mind made up, she tells him that she'll go, but on one condition… "As long as Jerry and Anne are in full agreement too, if not… then I will just have to accept it for what it is, and see Joshua on another day."

"Olivia, I've already spoken to them and its fine." He assures her.

 _Wow, she can't help but be pleasantly surprised at the fact that Fitz has already run the idea of her coming past his folks, that was extremely thoughtful of him... but as for them being totally fine with her coming?_ She highly doubts that, however seeing as they've already agreed to it, then she will go… "In that case, you can count me in, I'll be there."

"Great…" to her ears he almost sounds pleased… "Joshua will be glad to have you there" He conveys sincerely.

Her face softens with a smile. "Thanks Fitz, I'm glad I can be there for him too…"

With that said; and the plans for Joshua's birthday finally set in motion the pair of them suddenly find themselves engulfed in silence. She had also planned to speak to him about the possibility of telling Joshua who she really was as well... Or more precisely, how much longer will she have to prove herself trust worthy, before he decides to tell him? However, seeing as she had such a positive result on the birthday party, she puts that conversation on pause for now.

Feeling awkward, Fitz clears his throat, breaking the silence Taking that as her cue, she excuses herself… _"_ _Let me go and see what Mister's up to…"_ and promptly heads over in the direction of her son.

Truth be told, her head was reeling and she needed space… She can't lie, the thought of going over to Anne and Jerry's and possibly placing herself in the firing line terrifies her, yet on the other hand she couldn't be more thrilled at the prospect of being there, because at the end of the day it means she will be with her son on his third birthday, and that's all that matters.

As she approaches the little tyke in question, she stops and stares at him briefly; amused, as she pays witness to his playful interaction with another little girl… She marvels at how easy it comes to him, being sociable… and at the same time how incredibly gentle he can be too.

 _He would have made a wonderful big brother; she can't help but think…_

Sensing her eyes upon him, Joshua turns from his newly found friend on the merry-go-round and simply dazzles her with one of his cheeky grins, happily waving at her… _"Ms. Olivia, Ms. Olivia…"_

Compelled, she jogs on over… "Yes Tiger?"

"This is my friend Mary!" He introduces… Olivia smiles as his pig-tailed companion, "Why hello Mary…"

 _"Hi…"_ She replies shyly, before Joshua eagerly intervenes… "Ms. Olivia, we can't move it… can **you** spin us around pleeeeeease?"

Okay, so it was official; Dr Synnaire had been right all along! _Fact,_ every ounce of her strength and determination was invested in this little boy… but what she wasn't aware of, until right now, was that she was also completely at his mercy too…

Bottom line, when it came down to it; be it big or small, there was nothing she wouldn't do for him.

"Anything you wish; my superman!"


	17. Chapter 17

**Party Prep**

 _"Fitz, all I'm saying is, I don't understand why you asked her to arrive so early?"_ Anne disproves; busy stirring her big pot of chilli con carne on the stove, whilst simultaneously keeping eye on the rice and beans…

"Mum, trust me, Olivia getting here before the others is a good thing… there's less pressure that way, compared to her walking in on a full house, with all eyes staring…"

"Eyes will stare regardless Fitz…"

"Well they've all been told she's coming, so hopefully they won't be too shocked to see her in person…" Fitz counters, reaching up and pinning one end of Joshua's birthday banner up over the door. Apart from blowing up a few more balloons, the majority of party decorations were already up, setting the Superman theme perfectly…

"Joshua's going to be thrilled when he sees this!" Fitz grins, impressed with his efforts… He looks over at the clock, "In fact, shouldn't they be back by now?"

"Well, the shop we ordered the cake from, is on the other side of town… so I'd give them another, 20 minutes or so…" Anne replies, before motioning towards the pile of presents lying on the floor… "Seeing as you've almost finished with the decorations, can you arrange the presents at the end of the table please… and then see to it that we have enough paper plates! I sent your father out to get some earlier, but you know how domesticated he can be…"

"Sure thing mum."

Bless her, he could tell she was starting to get frazzled; always the hostess, she would have preferred everything to be ready before her guests arrived, or more precisely Olivia, but seeing as she was scheduled to turn up in the next half an hour a so, that was never going to happen… He was also aware; although she was trying her best not to show it, that a lot of her frustration now stemmed from the sheer anticipation of being around Olivia again… When he had run the idea past his parents a few weeks back, she was not exactly keen on the idea, understandably so, considering all that has happened, but nevertheless, she agreed and got Jerry to do the same.

The truth was, there was still a lot of hurt lying around… Olivia walking out the way she did, had as big of an impact on Jerry and Anne, as it did on him and Joshua. From his parents point of view, not only had their son's heart been broken, and their grandson had been left without a mother, they too had a lost a daughter… Olivia was as much a part of their family as anyone else… And as much as they didn't want to let on, wanting to remain strong for Fitz and Josh, they had grieved for Olivia too. Although over time, much like himself, sadness eventually turned into disappointment and resentment; and in his mum's case, she became even more protective, whereas Jerry became unforgiving. But regardless of how they might feel about Olivia, both of them agreed that her being back in Joshua's life was a good thing; and no matter what, Fitz and Joshua would always have their support.

In afterthought, Fitz asks… _"Mum, Dad will be nice, won't he?"_

His expression of hopefulness mixed with a tinge of doubt is priceless, and it causes her to giggle… "Of course son, he will be on his best behaviour… Although, If you should worry about anyone, it would be your cousin Mellie, seeing as your father invited both her and Teddy along too..." She teases.

"Mum, that's not funny…"

"Sorry, I'm only pulling your leg… _Relax_ , your father's had a long conversation with Mellie, and she understands that today is not about interrogating Olivia… It's to celebrate Joshua's third birthday and nothing more!"

"I hope so, because we all know what she's like mum; speaking her mind is kind of her forte…"

"Indeed, but your dad assures me, she has nothing to say to her; _literally_ **_NOTHING…_** "

 _Oh gosh_ … Fitz thinks bleakly. At least Abby and David would be coming to help balance the odds. Abby and Olivia were once very close, and although Abby did not agree with her leaving, she always protested that Olivia must have had just reasons behind her actions. He hopes that Olivia will appreciate having a friendly face amongst the crowd.

With the table set and superman paper plates all accounted for… Fitz returns to balloon duty, whilst Anne moves on to desert… She's making Joshua's favourite; blueberry muffins; which is also Olivia's favourite too. It's crazy how these things work out, as it so happens Joshua seemed to inherit the majority of his traits from his mother… His looks, his mannerisms, likes, dislikes- all of it was Olivia, and yet she hadn't been around to influence half of them. There was no doubt about it, Joshua was every bit hers, as he was Fitz. These past few weeks, two months even, had more than proved that… Watching them interact, talk and play with each other, it came so natural to them, like they were kindred spirits or something. For one, Joshua couldn't get enough of her. He'd come home after a visit, and it would be _"Ms. Olivia this… Ms, Olivia that…"_ Even his mum and dad had noticed it.

 _Then again, what's not to like about her?_ She was young and fun, pretty too, and within reason she would do anything for him. She didn't have to discipline him, or tell him off either; their time together has been so regimented, that it didn't really afford her the opportunity to deal with the grumpy and stubborn side of Josh… Come to think of it, maybe it was time to test her mothering skills, beyond the playground setting, to see how she faired then? He was going to propose some changes to their visitations anyway and honestly, from what he has witnessed so far, she was more than ready… And if not, then he'd soon find out, especially if today was anything to go by.

Yes, once Joshua's birthday was out of the way, he'll discuss the necessary adjustments with her.

Right on schedule, just as Anne had predicted Jerry turns his keys in the door… _"Hey guys…"_ Jerry greets them from the door, holding the big cake box out in front of him; blocking their view of him and of those behind him… _"Look who we found outside…?"_

Then, as if on cue Joshua announces brightly… _"Ms. Olivia!"_

Neither one of them failing to notice Joshua's hand still happily glued to hers; beaming from ear to ear.

"Hi everyone."


	18. Chapter 18

**Party Time**

"Come on sweetheart, time to blow out your candles!" Anne announces, immediately capturing Joshua's attention, as her now runs over excitedly.

" _Yaaaaay_ , is it the candles on my Superman Cake?"

Irresistibly, Anne swoops him up and gives him a big kiss on his cheek… "Yes precious, it most definitely is!" She calls over to Mellie… "Mel, grab the camera!"

She retrieves it from the couch, and hurries over... " _Got it!"_

Well-rehearsed; Jerry goes to get the lights, as Fitz places the last candle on the cake and waits for everyone else to make their way over to the table, before finally giving the signal.

" _Now dad_!"

Lights off, Fitz steadily makes his way over… 3 flickering candles burning brightly as a joyful chorus of voices ring out Happy Birthday! The look of wonderment on Josh's face is simply priceless, that Olivia is now finding it hard to get the rest of the words out, completely chocked up by the moment.

She reaches for a napkin and dabs at the corners of her eyes.

 **" _…Happy Birthday dear Joshua, Happy Birthday to you! Hip Hip Hooray… HIP HIP HOORAY!_** "

"Now make a wish big guy, and then blow out all the candles…" Fitz prompts him gentle.

"Make it a good one". Jerry adds cheerily.

 _Absolutely adorable_. You can literally see the cogs turning in his head as he thinks up a really good birthday wish, and then the very moment when he's got one; baby blue sapphires twinkling in recognition… "You got one son?!" Fitz asks knowingly.

Josh nods his head vigorously… "yes, but I'm not allowed to say it out loud…" he reminds his dad. Fitz smiles with pride, "That's right squirt, only you must know… _Ready_?"

"Yeah!"

And so he blows with all his might!

Cake done, on to presents… Fitz notes that Olivia has suddenly got really quiet. He senses that she's just about holding it together, overrun with emotion. To be honest, he hasn't gone unaffected either. Okay, so maybe this wasn't his son's first birthday, but in a way, with Olivia being here, it definitely feels like a first. And despite the expected awkwardness at the start, first with his folks and then, as forecasted some frostiness from Mellie, everyone else, James, Cyrus, Abby, David, and all the little ones-Ella and Teddy- seem to be having a good time; celebrating Joshua's birthday together as a family…

It almost feels like old times.

 **Well Almost** .

Four presents down, and a whole lot more to go.

"It looks like Josh has his job cut out for him…" Cyrus states in amusement, marvelling at the mountain of presents before him… "Although to be fair, at least six of them is down to this crazy man beside me…"

" _Hey_ ," James pokes his side playfully, "I didn't realise it was a crime to spoil my God Son- with _your_ credit card." Fitz chuckles at the pair of them, "You two are something else, you realise this right?"

"Yes, and we shall take that as a compliment, thanks."

Still laughing, Fitz reaches for the next present on top of the pile… "Right, so who's this one from?" He reads the label out loud, before handing Josh the present… " _Dear Joshua, Happy 3rd Birthday, lots of love and kisses, Ms. Olivia_ ".

Apart from the sound of an eager 3 year old, racing to unwrap his present, the room suddenly goes silent. Spotlight on Olivia; like Josh, everyone is intrigued to see what she has got him...

Sensing a level of nervousness coming from her long lost friend, Abby reaches over to her... "You okay Liv?" She nods gently, giving her a brief smile, thankful for her kindness, before turning her gaze back on to the birthday boy.

She hopes he likes it.

Now an expert at unwrapping presents it doesn't take him long to reveal it's content... His eyes light up, as he realises what it is... an authentic superman costume, with cape... " _Wooow_!" But as he opens it out, a quaint little photo frame falls out from the folds... He picks it up and takes a long hard look at it... "Ms. Olivia, _it's you!_ "

Lip quivering. "Yes sweetheart..."

"And a baby? _Is it your baby?_ " He ask innocently...

The muscles in Fitz's jaw start to clench, as he anticipates her answer, whilst everyone else watches on completely confounded...

Olivia bites her lip, to stop it from trembling... As she answers him, with a catch in her voice... "Joshua that baby is you!"


	19. Chapter 19

**Fireworks**

"Excuse me my boy… _Olivia, can I have a word please…_ " His underlying tone cannot be mistaken, he wasn't asking her, he was telling her and he was far from happy.

Once out of ear shot, in the confines of his old bedroom, he immediately lets rip… _"What the hell do you think you're playing at?"_

" _Playing?_ I'm not playing at anything… I simply wanted him to have a photo of me…"

He's angry, angry that she would dare to justify her actions, even now… "You had no right Olivia, _**NONE!**_ "

"And _YOU_ have no idea how incredibly hard this is for me… having him call me Ms. Olivia, whilst you happily keep him in the dark about who I really am!"

" _And what do you expect?_! Or have you forgotten that you walked out on him when he was a baby! Like it or not, your actions dictated that I would be a fool to trust you out right… and if anything, judging by what you tried to pull today… I still can't!"

"You're going on like I just came out and told him… All I did was give him a picture of me, _of us…_ because it's clear to me that he has not got one single photo of me at home…" Her insight floors him… "What did you do, _huh?_ Toss them all out like garbage, is that it?!"

Guilty as charged, but he's so incensed right now he doesn't feel that he needs to explain himself to her… "You should have discussed it with me," he persists instead.

This was probably not the best time to bring this up, but she can no longer keep a lid on it, as all her bottled up feelings since being back starts to spill... "Discussed it, w _hy exactly?_ So that you can continue to control everything?!" She accuses… "So that you can turn around and say, actually Olivia I don't think it's the right time… Let's just stick to the 30 minute _"flyby"_ visits in the park and keep it at that!"

"That's not fair… We had to start somewhere Olivia, I needed to make sure that you were serious about all this, and that you weren't planning on disappearing again as soon as things got real…"

It's been nine weeks Fitz! _NINE WEEKS!_ How much longer before you realise that I'm in this for the long haul?! I've never missed a visit, _not one!_ I'm always on time and I always leave when you ask, even when it kills me to do so! What more do I have to do?"

" _Oh I don't know…_ maybe avoid stunts like this _perhaps_!" He retorts; tongue laced in sarcasm.

"As much as you may believe that this was some sort of deliberate act to reveal who I am, it was not! I just... I just wanted to give him something that I held dear… I hadn't intended for it to be anything more than that… You're the one who took it there!"

" _Really_ , somehow I find that hard to believe…"

"Well you would, wouldn't you… but I'm being honest with you, whether you want to accept it or not, it's the truth… The last thing I wanted was to cause upset, it's my son birthday for Christ sake; I mean really Fitz, how low do you think of me?"

He doesn't answer her, he can't.

"You know what; I better leave before I say something I'll regret…"

"Yeah, I think that would be wise…"

"Oh but this is not over Fitz, not by a long shot…" She warns… "Because you see, I love that little boy in there and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him… _NOTHING!_ But I'm done with keeping quiet about the way I'm feeling. Keeping quiet is what got me here in the first place, and I refuse to do that again!"

With nothing else left to say; _she's said plenty_ , she quickly composes herself and turns away from him, heading back out into the living room. Retrieving her jacket and bag, she avoids all the piercing daggers being sent her way as she walks straight over to Josh… She kneels down and gives him a soft smile… "Unfortunately I have to go now Birthday Boy, but I will see you soon, _I promise!_ "

He looks crushed… " _Ooooh, okaaay_." He sighs, clearly not wanting her to leave, or understanding what is going on.

It takes every ounce of strength in her to remain upbeat and not let on to him how much this is tearing her apart… "Enjoy the rest of your party sweetie… and try not to eat too much cake, _okay?_ "

"Okay, I'll try!"

She gives him a gentle peck on the cheek to say goodbye... When instinctively he throws his arms around her; squeezing tight… " _Bye Ms. Olivia, thank you for coming…_ " he whispers sweetly, his tiny breath tickling the delicate skin on her neck; bringing a rush of tears to the surface… Irresistibly, and in total ignorance of those around her, she holds him to her for a little while longer, kissing him on the side of his head, before finally whispering back… "It was my pleasure sweet pea."

Another kiss and she reluctantly releases him; standing to her feet. She spares a look to the others and then to Fitz before saying goodbye; more for Joshua's sake than for anyone else and then promptly sees herself out.

Door closed shut behind her… Unable to contain herself any longer Mellie is the first to speak… " _Oh My God_ , she is unbelievable!"


	20. Chapter 20

**Aftermath**

As soon as she left the apartment she was kicking herself with regret, because it came immediately apparent that her actions could have cost her everything. She had been honest when she told Fitz that by giving that picture to Joshua it had not been a deliberate act to unveil her identity. She just wanted Josh to have it, so that he could see her whenever he wanted. Her actions had been solely driven by her heart and not her head, as much as the others would like to think it wasn't. Frankly, at this moment in time she doesn't care what the others think of her, the only opinion that did matter to her was Fitz's. Although, his reaction did worry her; as it was reminiscent of the reaction she received nine weeks ago, when she had unceremoniously turned up at his parent's doorstep and announced that she was back. _Had she set herself back, after weeks of progress... yes, there was a good chance that she had!_

However, although her son's birthday party probably wasn't the best forum to express her misgivings when it came to Fitz's stilted and regimented visitation schedule, she was glad to get her feelings off her chest. She had grown impatient waiting for him to recognise the growth and progress she had made. It was getting ridiculous; _how much longer was he prepared to keep her true identity a secret from their son?_ As much as Fitz might struggle to admit it, it was clear as day that Joshua was instinctively drawn to her; his beautiful little face appearing to light up as soon as she was near... He needed her, just as much as she needed him, but above all Josh deserved to know the truth.

 _But what if Fitz decides her act is unforgivable?_ She suddenly feels ill at the prospect of it... What if she never gets the chance to hear Joshua call her mum. What if Fitz stops visitations all together? _Then what?_ She couldn't let that happen! She had to make this right again!

First of all, she needs to apologise, that is a given, but when exactly? She could hardly turn around and go back to his parents place, surely that would only cause more trouble than good, but then again she is worried that if she leaves the apology until Fitz has had a chance to cool off, then he might think she doesn't care enough to come and make amends sooner. Either way she had her work cut out for her.

2 days later…

They were running a bit late this morning. Fitz had overslept. Since the fall out at Josh's party he had struggled to have one night of peaceful slumber. His mind was restless, as it tried and failed to figure out a solution for this huge mess! He hadn't heard from Olivia either, which to an extent worried him… _What if the confrontation was too much for her and it had pushed her over the edge?_ Ever since she revealed to him about the extent of her depression, Fitz had been reading up about it (at the time, he needed to know all the facts before agreeing to any sort of visitation, but later on his research was spurred on my his need to understand her more). He recalls a particular article where it explained that with depression, like many other illnesses, people were prone to relapse; that they could be functioning perfectly well and then something unexpected could occur, completely knocking them off balance and causing them to spiral back down again. He hoped for his son's sake and for hers too that that wasn't the case.

 _"Daddy?"_

Slightly exasperated from rushing around… "Yes son?"

"Is today Monday?" Josh was obsessed with the days of the week at the moment.

"Yes son today is Monday..."

"So tomorrow is Tuesday?" He confirms with a smile on his face.

"Yes son."

"So I'm going to see Ms Olivia tomorrow?"

Fitz freezes, as he takes in his sons hopeful expression. It has always fathomed him how Josh could uncannily choose the most inconvenient of times to bring up the most difficult of questions.

"I'm not sure champ..." He replies in all honesty, apart from not hearing from her, he wasn't too sure if he was ready to forgive and forget her behaviour in all its entirety at the party.

Luckily her decision to give that photo to Josh and the implications behind it had completely gone over his little head... At only three years of age, fortunately he was too young to connect the dots himself. And he would be lying if he didn't admit that he was glad about it. Because he honestly felt it was too soon to reveal the truth... But if he were to look deeper into his self conscience, he would question if it was too soon for Joshua, or was it too soon for him?

" _Whyyyy?"_

"Why what son?"

"Why are you not sure I will see Ms Olivia...?" Joshua asks, his brow wrinkled in confusion.

Fitz eyes travel to the clock briefly, before falling back on his son again; who is now standing directly in front of him in silent demand of an answer.

At this rate they were going to be late...

 _But then... Whew_... Saved by the ring of his cell it seems... " _Hold on_ , one second son..." Fitz takes his vibrating phone out from his back pocket and stares at the caller ID, " **OLIVIA** " flashes back at him... _Oh brother…_

Okay, it was now official; he was never going to make it into work on time today.

They arranged to meet in the hospital canteen at noon.

Of course, it's comes as no surprise to him that when he gets there, she's already settled at a table, waiting nervously for him to arrive; whenever anxious her timing was always impeccable.

He takes a calming breath and heads over, promising himself that he will remain calm regardless of what is said.

 _"Hey…"_

Pulled from her thoughts, she looks up at him, mirroring his greeting… " _Hey_."

He takes a seat.

"Do you want's a coffee, or a tea…?" She stalls slightly…

"No, I'm good…" He replies flatly.

 _"Look Olivia…"_

 _"Fitz I…"_ They both say together.

Fitz encourages her to proceed… "Sorry, you go first…"

"Thanks... I know it might not sound like much, but I'm really sorry for what happened at the party... I just didn't think... I should have asked you..."

It surprises him how much needed to hear her say that, and remarkably he finds himself softening. "Yes, yes you should have..."

He pauses in thought. Obviously, he did not agree about the way they got to this point, giving Joshua that photo was a reckless decision on her part, but neither does it distract from the fact that maybe it was time to stop fighting what was eminent and face reality, Olivia was Josh's mum and she was not going anywhere. Even before the party, he himself had been considering that things needed to move forward...

It was time take the plunge. "Olivia you need to understand that these decisions need to be thought out properly, and handled with care... At the end of the day I have to look out for my son's welfare, and something as big as this just can't be thrusted upon him, we both need to sit down with him, together, and explain it..."

A ray of hope, she almost can't believe what she's hearing... "So.. so you agree that he needs to be told?"

Despite recent events, deep down he knows it's the right thing to do... "Yes, yes I do..."

Reading between the lines, she starts to tear up, unable to comprehend it. This was actually happening... Chocked up... "I don't know what to say... Except, thank you Fitz... you have no idea what this means to me, I won't let you down again, or Josh, I promise!"

"For Joshua's sake, you better not... But hear me on this, this works on my terms alone, we can discuss it, but I will make the final decision on how and when we tell him, _okay?"_

She can't help but recognise his need to be in control, and she suspects that the root of it stems from the lack of control he was faced when she left, so she doesn't dare argue with him. To be honest she's leaving here with more than she ever bargained for. "Fine, whatever you say Fitz, I'm just happy we are finally here, so thank you..."

She'll give him the control he craves, **for now.**


	21. Chapter 21

**The Truth**

"Come on Fitz, you have to admit what she did with that photo frame, that was beyond bold... In fact, if my memory serves me well, my jaw literally hit the ground; really, you've got to give it to her, that girl has some gall."

"Oh I agree completely, and the truth is a part of me wanted to remain angry with her, as well as uncooperative and difficult", he confesses whole heartedly. "However, when push came to shove, I just couldn't Cy".

Cyrus had taken one look at Fitz at the end of their 14 hour shift, and immediately called James to arrange that he picked up Joshua with Ella instead, whilst he gently steered Fitz in the direction of the nearest bar...

"I can understand that", Cyrus tells him in between swigs of his scotch. "And to be fair, considering the heartaches she has put you and Joshua through, making things difficult for her would be nothing more than karma."

"Yes, that may be true- but then in direct conflict to that, there's another part of me that still cares about her. I can't help but admire her strength and tenacity. The fact that she came back, despite the knowledge of what she was up against, it reminds me of the woman I had fallen in love with… And God help me Cyrus, but I miss that woman, and now that she is back, I'm finding it increasingly hard to remain cold and indifferent towards her".

"So what are you saying Fitz? That after all that had happened, you still love her and want her back?"

"No... _Well...I..._ Look It's complicated okay?" Frustrated, he runs his hand over his face in exasperation... "Believe me, I have no intention of letting my guard down around her; I'm not willing to put myself in a position where she can hurt me again, but at the same time I can't deny that the more time I spend around her, watching her interact and play with Joshua as she strives to become a better mum, the more I find myself thinking about our own relationship, or lack there of".

"Fitz, I hope you realise that you're treading on dangerous grounds here... The mere definition of your relationship is a mine field".

"I know, I know... Our relationship as it stands alone is mental… We have a child together and we're still legally married, but yet technically we're living separate lives; estranged, unable to communicate past the subject of Joshua, and with no plan of getting back together- I mean, how ridiculous does that sound?".

Cyrus looks at his sceptically "Fitz, let me ask you something..."

"Okay...?"

"If, like you say, you no longer have a future together as man and wife, then why has neither of you brought up the subject of divorce? Surely, you don't need to remain married to function as parents; plenty of families separate and do just that- function. _So why can't you?_ Therefore, are you both avoiding the inevitable? Or could it be that the inevitable is not a separation after all?"

Fitz can see the direction Cyrus is taking this conversation, and he doesn't think he likes it... "Look Cy, when Olivia had fallen off the face of the earth divorcing her had been the last thing on my mind; I was too busy coping as a single parent and holding down a full time job, to even think about breaking our legal ties- and now? I guess with her coming back into our lives so suddenly, the main focus has been solely on Joshua, not us, therefore there has not been an appropriate time to bring up the subject of divorce."

Cyrus shakes his head, determined to get to the bottom of it... "Oh I doubt it, the truth is Fitz you would find the time to bring it up if you really wanted too... I know you, better than you know yourself, and as much as you might try to deny it, personally I think you're secretly holding out for more; _maybe even a reconciliation perhaps?"_ He confronts him knowingly... "And if you ask me, that's the real reason as to why you haven't filed for divorce over the last two years, and why, despite the fall out at Joshua's party, which would have been the perfect excuse to apply the breaks, instead you have chosen to forgive her impulsive move, and agree that it's time to tell Joshua who Ms. Olivia really is..."

Deflecting. "I thought you brought me her to cheer me up Cyrus...?"

"No Fitz, I brought you here to talk, to finally admit the truth... That despite what Olivia has done to you- you want her back, don't you?".

Exasperated..."Cy"

"Hey, it's okay, maybe you're not ready to admit it, or maybe you feel like a fool even thinking about it, but it's there all the same, right under your nose... But just remember this, you can only avoid the truth for so long Fitz, and that includes hiding it from yourself."


	22. Chapter 22

**Mama**

She was running round like a headless chicken, trying to get the place just right. Today would be the first time that Fitz and Joshua would be coming round to the flat and she wanted to make a good impression. It was fair to say that she didn't have much; the little furniture she had, had come with the flat, and the rest-a few keep sake items she had brought along with her. The set up was rather basic, but she was proud all the same… It was hers, and she had worked hard to get it and that's all that mattered, and she was now in a position where she could share it with her son.

 _Her son_ … In less than an hour's time she would finally be able to say those words out loud. She's been pinching herself all morning, just to make certain that this was actually happening, and that she wasn't dreaming. Being able to tell Joshua that she was his mummy, not only makes her heart soar in anticipation, but it was also another huge and significant step forward in rebuilding back her life.

When it came to Joshua, everything seemed to be falling into place.

Fitz rang her last night to confirm that they would be telling Josh today; together. He had originally suggested that she come over to their place, but she told him in all honesty, that considering what took place the last time she was in the flat, she wouldn't feel comfortable doing it there, frankly she didn't want any of the painful memories seeping in and overshadowing a single second of her happiness today.

Fitz didn't argue, in fact he understood perfectly well and funnily enough, he was the one to propose that he and Josh came to hers instead. She couldn't have been more grateful.

A ring of the doorbell, now signalling one of the most pivotal moments in her life… _They were here._

Joshua gives her a toothy grin as soon as she opens the door to them, looking absolutely adorable; somehow Fitz had managed to get him out of his superman t-shirt and he was wearing khaki pants and a black cargo top. Fitz was also dressed rather appealingly too... It was clear that some thought had been put into their attire this morning, which secretly pleases her, because that meant that Fitz recognised the importance of this moment too, and had therefore made the effort to dress accordingly.

Joshua instantly reaches up for a hug, and Olivia picks him up for a more than welcomed squeeze too. "Hey gorgeous boy". She kisses him on the cheek and he tightly squeezes her back.

"Hi Ms. Olivia," he sing songs back. She internally cringes at his use of Ms. Olivia, but quickly shakes it off; hopefully, if it all works out well, it will be the last time she'll ever have to hear him call her that.

"Hey Fitz, come on in... make yourself at home..." She encourages gently, before placing Joshua back down... "I've prepared some lunch, which will be ready in a bit..."

He looks at her incredulously, "You cooked?" The words escaping his mouth unbidden, although she takes them in good nature and laughs... "I know, I even shocked myself" she tells him, and then goes on to relay the menu. Fitz is impressed… "Sounds great".

She then turns to Joshua, who has already begun to busy himself with the toys that Fitz had brought along… "Joshua sweetie, would you like something to drink?" He looks up at her, drawn in by the promise of juice… "Yes pleeeease!"

"Fitz?"

"I'll just have some water thanks".

As she goes off to sort out drinks, he takes a quick look around the flat… Considering what she had to play with (which was very little), she had somehow made it her own and very inviting. It's true what they say, a woman's touch went a long way… It was something that was sorely missed in his home; he and Josh were definitely living in a bachelor's pad now. He walks over to her bed, having a nosey by her bedside table… He spots a Bible and picks it up; curious (Olivia had never been the strictly religious type) he opens the page marked with a folded edge… immediately drawn to a passage she's highlighted in yellow…

 _"But Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.""_

Huh? _Why that verse...? Normally that passage referred to the death of a child?_ He looks over at Joshua, happily playing with his cars, and then back to the passage again... Trying to make sense of it... It's at that point that Olivia walks in with the drinks... He quickly closes the leather bound book and places it back on the night stand... A puzzled expression painted on his face.

Olivia asks, _"You alright?_ " As she offers him his glass of water. He takes it from her, and nods his head... "Yeah... _I... I noticed the Bible?"_

"Yeah I know, it's helped a lot..." She enlightens him.

"First cooking, now religion... Have you got anymore surprises in store?" He jokes, although he is seriously beginning to wonder...

She hesitates slightly... "No, apart from Joshua's, there's no more surprises..." She smiles, in a bid to deflect from the sudden influx of thoughts about the baby, that she has yet to tell him about. No, now was definitely not time to bring that up; not that there would ever be a right time, she thinks.

Fitz doesn't fail to notice the slight inflection in her voice, but for now he doesn't comment on it. Instead, he focus back on Joshua's surprise... "Speaking of which, shall we wait until after we've eaten to tell him?"

"Sure thing; well in that case let me put a light fire on under the stove to heat it up!" She replies excitedly, turning and heading into the kitchen, as he watches on intently... He can't quite put his finger on it, but his gut was telling him that something was slightly amiss...

Joshua had the appetite of his father. He had finished his plate with gusto, everything gone including the vegetables. "Good boy!" Olivia praises him, after he triumphantly places his spoon onto his empty plate-finished. He smiles, enjoying her applause as he reaches for his juice, ready to finish that off too.

Genuinely, "Olivia that was delicious, thank you", Fitz complements her, on behalf on them both; his plate also thoroughly cleaned off.

Flattered, it was now Olivia's turn to smile.

"Right, I'll wash up..." he offers.

"Fitz, you don't have to do that, I can…"

"No, no, no… I insist, you and Joshua go and relax for a bit… I've got this."

She was hardly going to argue with that… So she leaves Fitz to it, and instead helps Joshua down from his makeshift high chair, as both then head over to the sofa.

Joshua, as keen as always, starts to talk and show her all the toys he's brought along…

"Oh I like that one!" Olivia exclaims, as Joshua presents to her his new favourite car…

"It's a police car, like Papa Jerry's!" He explains… "And it makes sounds too…" He demonstrates by pressing the siren button… "See, _neenoooor, neenoooor…_ " He mimics, as he excitedly starts to run it over the wooden floor in the pursuit of his "invisible" robbers. She marvels at his energy and enthusiasm, for everything he does, he does with passion; it's what she loves most about him and hopes that when he finds out that she's his mama, he'll take to the idea with just as much fervour.

Not before long, Fitz joins her on the sofa. They both look towards their son, lost in his play, totally unaware that life as he knows it is about to change forever. Fitz slowly turns back to Olivia… The love and anticipation he finds shinning in her eyes for their son, speaks volumes. And so, all his doubts, worries, and earlier unease is momentarily pushed aside, as he realises the time is right.

Impulsively, he takes her trembling hand in his; stilling her nerves… "You ready?" he ask softly.

She nods, tears brewing in her eyes… "More than ever." She tells him with conviction.

It's all the conformation he needs… "Pass me that bag," he directs her, before calling Joshua over.

" _Son_ , put that toy down for a second please and come over here, Olivia and I have something to tell you…"

Obediently, Joshua walks over, leaving his toy behind and reaches for his dad's outstretched hand. Fitz lifts him up and onto his lap, as he encourages Olivia to take the very same photo frame that she had given Josh on his birthday out of the bag.

Fitz begins. "Joshua, do you remember when Olivia gave you this for your birthday…?"

" _Uh huh_ , it was wrapped up in my superman costume…" he recalls in detail.

"That's right, and do you remember what you asked Olivia, when you saw it?"

He nods, looking from Fitz and back to Olivia again… "I asked her if the baby was her baby… but she told me it was me."

" _Now son,_ I know I've asked you before, what do you think that means, but you wasn't too sure, were you Champ?"

Joshua shakes his head, still looking at bit miffed by it all, so Fitz presses on… "So today, Olivia and I have decided to explain it to you properly, so that you can fully understand…" Up until now, Olivia had let Fitz take the lead, but now he's giving her the signal she needs to carry on…

"Josh, that picture was taken in a hospital… Do you know what a hospital is?"

"Yes, it's where daddy works and helps sick people…"

"Correct sweetie, and hospitals are also where mummies have their babies, did you know that…?"

" _They do?_ " He asks intrigued, absorbing every single word.

"Uh huh, yes they do…" She pauses… " _You see Josh_ ; this picture was taken the day you were born in the hospital…" She lets that settle in a little… fighting back the tears threatening to spill, chocked up with emotion as she finally proceeds in telling her son the truth… "And the reason why I'm the one holding you in that picture is because… Joshua sweetheart, _I'm your mummy._ "

Almost comic like, Joshua's eyes grow as big as saucers, as Fitz holds him closer in anticipation of his response…

Eventually, carefully, and a little unsure too… _"You're… you're my mummy…?"_

"Yes Big Guy…" Now drawn to his father's voice, he takes his eyes from Olivia and looks up at Fitz, as he gives him all the reassurance that he needs… "Olivia is your mummy."

" _But,_ but… you said mummy had gone away, and wasn't coming back…?"

"I know I did, but I was wrong son, because mummy did come back… and she's here now…" He stares over at Olivia as he says this, as does Josh-mirroring his father's actions; as Olivia finishes off emotionally… "And I'm never going to leave you again!"

Joshua's reaction is priceless.

He just smiles at her. And sparing no time to think it over, instinctively, he leans forward, from his father's lap and towards hers, moving in for a hug. Instantly bringing forth her tears, as her heart simultaneously swells and bursts wide open… Overwhelmed, _"Oh my boy, my sweet, sweet boy…"_ She cries softly, rocking him against her and squeezing him ever so tightly.

And that's when he completely finishes her in, as he whispers into her chest… "It's alright _mummy_ , don't cry."

Moved beyond words, Olivia is not the only one with tears in her eyes, as Fitz finds himself blinking away a few of his own too.


	23. Chapter 23

**Put to the test**

"No Joshua, you need to eat all your dinner first!" Olivia tells him sternly, no longer prepared to entertain his whimpering.

"But, but I want my car!"

"I told you already Mister, there is no space for the car on here, you can play after… now come on". She takes his spoon and tries to feed him another mouthful, but he presses his lips together in protest and turns his head, bringing forth even more tears as he cries… _"No, I want to do it myself!"_

Olivia takes a deep breath, in a bid to compose herself. So this was the stubborn and difficult side to Joshua that Fitz had previously warned her about. She knew Joshua was very independent, and liked to do things himself, but what she was not used to was his petulance. Granted he had been dropped off later than planned, due to Fitz being detained at work; therefore his normal schedule was slightly out of sync; then added to the fact that his bedtime was drawing nearer and nearer, in short, he was not a happy camper.

This was his third night of staying over at her flat. After they revealed the truth to Joshua, visits gradually became more frequent, sometimes with Fitz present, others without. Joshua seemed to be adjusting nicely to the idea that Ms Olivia was actually his mummy, and apart from the few odd slips ups in the early stages where he'd call her Ms Olivia by force of habit. He soon got used to calling her his mum and he was just as much, _if not more_ , attached to her as before.

For her, the journey from stranger to " _nice lady_ " and then eventually mother, had been rocky in places but on a whole, relatively smooth sailing alls considering. Naturally, nerves did surface from time to time, in particular the day when she was first faced with having Joshua for a couple of hours to herself, alone. She had worked herself up into a right tizzy; a sudden lack of self confidence in her abilities to handle him on her own had threatened to overwhelm her. In the end, it took Fitz's reassurance to get her past it, where he told her unequivocally that she was more than capable of looking after their son, otherwise he would have never agreed to it in the first place, and that what she was feeling was nothing more than good old fashion nerves, and not her incompetency at being his mother. Fitz had been right of course, and her first evening with Joshua to herself turned out to be a blast. All her fears of Joshua not wanting to stay with her, without Fitz being present were quickly put to rest.

Fitz also seemed to be dealing with the changes well, in as much to say he didn't give her much reason to believe otherwise. His faith in her was unquestionable; whereas, leading up to Joshua's birthday party she sometimes felt that he was just waiting for her to mess up, so he could put a premature end to their arrangement, but she didn't feel like that anymore. If anything his belief in her made her feel even more confident in herself. However, other than the unfailing support he gave towards her and Joshua's budding relationship as mother and son, he gave very little away on how he felt about her. That was still a very closed book and chapter between them. Deep down, she believed the reason it was closed off, was because he no longer felt that way about her, and therefore he did not wish to broach the subject with her knowing it will only rock the boat.

 _If only she knew how wrong she was_.

On the subject of Fitz, the urge to call him right now and let him talk her through the best approach in managing Joshua's current demeanour, was extrememly tempting- but she relented. She needed to trust her own judgement and prove that she could cope on her own. It was clear that Joshua was determined not to co-operate, and similarly she was equally determined not to give into to his every whim. A lot had changed since their first encounters; Joshua was used to her appeasing him, not opposing him, and so naturally he challenged her back with tears and tantrums. It was a battle of wills, which she was determined to triumph over, after all, she was Joshua's mother and she needed to show her son who was in charge here. As difficult as it was to see him like this, she forced herself to ignore his tears, logic telling her he was in no real distress and that he will give up soon enough, although she almost caved in when he started to cry for Fitz...

" _I want my Daddy_ ," he wails, as if in real anguish.

She can't lie, hearing him calling for his father in preference to her hurt a lot. It was difficult not to take his words to heart, but she tried her best not to. _Shakily_ …"Joshua, Daddy is not here, _okay?_ You're staying with Mummy tonight… And right now Mummy needs her big boy to eat up, so she can get him ready for bed."

" _NO!_ I want Daddy!" He counters; his face all red and his eyes and nose now streaming.

She bites her lip, telling herself he is just a baby; he doesn't really mean to upset her and that this is nothing more than a wilful toddler testing the boundaries. Stay strong she tells herself.

 _Stay strong_.

Firmly, and completely ignoring his cries for Fitz, " _Joshua_ , you have a choice, either you eat your dinner now and have some time to play after, _or_ you can continue with this silly show and miss out on play time and go straight to bed instead. _Which is it?_ "

" _No_ , I don't want to go to bed!" he retorts almost immediately, now faced with the prospect of no play.

"Right then, well I suggest you eat up!"

She goes to grab the spoon again, but he stops her in a sulk, and hic-cups... _"I want… I want to do it myself"._

Choosing to pick her battles wisely, she relents knowing that this was not one of them… " _Fine_ , here you go then, I haven't got a problem with that in the slightest, as long as you eat everything up, _okay?_ "

She gets up and walks over to the kitchen, giving him some space to calm down and proceed in doing as she's asked of him. Watching on quietly from afar, she sighs in relief when he finally places a spoonful of mash potatoes and peas in mouth.

The battle half won.

20 minutes later, as promised, she lets him have a little play as she cleans away his empty bowl. When she comes back, he looks up at her with a smile that denies all distress from earlier on; remarkable she thinks. And if anything, it makes her proud to know that she had played it out just right… Joshua had been fed and was now totally content, and she never had to back down once and give in to him, nor rely on Fitz to achieve it. Happy and feeling pretty chuffed with herself she joins her son on the rug and continues to play with him for another 10 minutes, before finally announcing bedtime. _And what do you know..._ he doesn't even cause a fuss as he lets her help him into his jimjams, tucks him in, and reads him a bedtime story.

Passed out, she kisses him on the forehead and whispers lovingly, "Nite nite, my sweet boy, mummy loves you."

It's not until later on, when she finally gets herself ready for bed and lays down beside him, does it actually dawn on her that the scene that took place tonight was eerily reminiscent of the night she walked out on them. Joshua wailing, not wanting to eat… A few months ago, that would have surely fazed her and sent her into blind panic mode, but tonight it didn't even enter her head, she had kept her cool and persevered on, and for her, more than anything else that signified just how far she had come along.


	24. Chapter 24

**All flued up**

They had plans to take Joshua to the cinema, and then for pizza afterwards, all three of them- together.

It was kind of a first really. Normally, whenever they met as a threesome, it remained very low key, a trip to the park maybe, dinner at Olivia's, nothing more than that really. So far, Olivia had taken Joshua to the city zoo, swimming and ice-skating and although they had a wonderful time, sadly it was never with Fitz. So she was excited at the prospect of them all going somewhere together aa s functional family unit. To be honest, she was shocked when he agreed. When she initially asked, she had asked knowing there was a strong possibility that the answer would be no. Although Fitz was very much focused on her building a relationship with Joshua, he wasn't so enthusiastic about bridging the gap in their relationship. He always seemed to shy away. Therefore, when he told her " _Yeah_ , sure I think that would be a great idea…" she could barely believe her ears.

It was going to be a hot day, sweltering heats according to weather forecast, so she had chosen to wear a thin white cotton dress and sandals. She had pondered long and hard over her wardrobe this morning, secretly wanting to look nice for Fitz, as well as finding something appropriate for the weather. Although she refused to read into her reasons for wanting to impress him...

Looking at the clock, she suspects that Fitz and Joshua are already making their way down, the film was due to start in an hour. However, 20 minutes later still no show; feeling a little bit anxious now and not wanting to miss the start of the movie, Olivia calls to see where they are.

Her heart sinks.

As soon as he hears his cell go off, he knows it's her... They were running incredibly late, but there was nothing he could do about it... He was trying his best-considering...

" _Hello, hey Olivia I'm so sorry,_ " he answers croakily.

She gasps, "Fitz you sound awful!"

"I feel awful," he admits, "My head's spinning, my whole body is aching... And Josh is not co-operating this morning..." He explains wearily. "Give me fifteen minutes, I'm going to finish getting him ready, and drop him off, but unfortunately I won't be able to make it..."

"Hey look, just stay where you are, I'll come round and get him sorted..."

"Olivia, I'll be fine you don't..."

"I insist," she interrupts him, "Besides you sound in no fit state to leave the house... I'll head over now."

" _Are you sure?_ " He doesn't have the energy to argue, although he's also conscience of the fact that this would be the first time she'd be coming over to the flat, which so far she has avoided doing...

She picks up on the double meaning of his question too... "I'm sure Fitz... now get back into bed, I'll be over in a bit..."

xxxxxxxxx

Ascending in the lift her heart begins to race.

Try as she might to simply focus on the task at hand; to get in there, get Josh ready, and head back out again, all she seems capable of focusing on is that in less than a minute she would be returning to place where she inevitably walked out on her family. A place that held a whole host of memories, some good, but more poignantly, the bad memories, some of which still haunt her today and the thought of which now panics her greatly.

Right now, she was a huge ball of nerves and inner conflict, and she doesn't quite know how to shake the feeling off. In fact, she almost wants to chastise herself for getting so worked up about it, considering how far she has come already... _Surely returning to the flat that she once shared with Fitz and her son, paled in comparison to the other milestones she had recently overcome?_

Although, standing outside the front door; hand poised ready to knock, the prospect of entering was just as frightening.

Silently, telling herself _"she can do this,"_ she takes a deep breath before finally strumming her knuckles against the door, immediately alerting Joshua to her presence.

 _"Who is it?"_ He asks cautiously from the other side of the door.

"Joshua, its mummy, go and get Daddy".

 _"Daaaaaddy!"_ He squeals loudly, as he runs off in the direction of his father. A few seconds later, she hears the chain on the door rattle, the lock unclick and then the door finally opened by Fitz looking worse for wear- the sorry sight of him immediately overshadowing the anxious thoughts that had plagued her seconds ago, as instead they are quickly replaced with growing concern for him.

" _Come in._ " He struggles, voice hoarse and raspy, as he moves aside to let her in.

Eyes wide, in shock of his grim appearance, she hardly gives him a chance to object as she instinctively places her hand on his sweat filled brow; he was burning up… "Fitz, my goodness…"

"It's just a touch of flu, I'll be fine…" He tries to play it down, but she's not so easily fooled… "No Fitz, this is full blown _"take you out of action"_ flu… Come on, let's get you back to bed", she fusses, taking him by the arm, despite his protest and leads him back to the room that they had once shared.

The room was in total disarray.

Joshua and his clothes strewn all over the floor, used tissues stacked up beside his bed, where he's lacked the energy to dispose of them during the night, as well as a range of self-medicated drugs piled up on his bedside table.

She approaches the unmade bed, pulls back the covers and encourages him to lie back down. Realising she's not about to relent until he is doing exactly as she asks, he wisely follows suit, whilst mumbling out directions as where she can find clean clothes for Joshua. Howerer, she doesn't pay him any mind, if he thinks she's going to leave him alone in this state he has another thing coming.

"You just rest; I've got everything under control…"

Her intentions are clear and he's just about to insist that she takes Joshua to the cinema as planned, when he is halted by a round of chesty coughing and spluttering. Taking a seat beside him, she rubs his back in a bid to sooth his ails. When his coughing fit appears to have finished, she has his cough medicine at the ready and spoon feeds it to him, before laying him back down. "Don't say another word, I'm staying and that's final…"

He doesn't argue the point and instead, too weak for much else, gives into his weariness, closing his eyes in surrender.

 _"Is Daddy okay?"_

Drawing her attention from Fitz, Olivia gets up and walks over to Joshua, who has been watching on the entire time from the door frame. She gives him a brave smile, ruffling his hair as she reassures, "Yes sweetie, Daddy's going to be fine, because you and I are going to look after him".


	25. Chapter 25

**Cooling off**

With Fitz made comfortable for now, she then tends to Joshua's needs… "Josh, did Daddy manage to give you breakfast this morning?"

" _Uh huh_ ," he nods his head and relays, "I had some toast with peanut butter." Olivia looks up at the clock; it was almost noon. _She wonders how long ago that was?_ "Are you hungry now sweetpea?"

He nods again. So she heads to the fridge freezer in search of lunch material… "How about a sandwich, do you fancy that?"

"No Mummy... Can I have Smiley faces pleeeease?"

 _Smiley faces?_ She looks in the freezer and after a quick rummage around finds a pack of Smiley faces and some chicken nuggets. Not the healthiest choice, but for now it will do. She'll make a proper dinner for her and Josh later. With Josh's food placed in the oven, she then retrieves the defrosted chicken spotted earlier in the cooler, and goes about making some chicken broth for Fitz.

Busying herself in the kitchen, she keeps an eye on Joshua, who has happily occupied himself with his toys in the living room. Bless him, only half dressed in his infamous superman t-shirt and briefs (the extent of Fitz's efforts this morning), he seems perfectly content in wearing just that; and considering the scorching heat it probably makes sense to leave him be. She feels guilty that she couldn't take him to the cinema as planned though; not that he seems fussed, but truth be told she was so set on Fitz going with them, that she wouldn't have wanted to go without him. Besides, one look at Fitz, all weak and feverish and she knew she couldn't leave him at home alone. In fact, in the years that they were together she can't recall him ever coming down with colds or flu; apart from his injuries sustained in Iraq, when he served as a field doctor, Fitz was not one for getting hurt or ill- if anything he was built like tank, impenetrable, so it was a shock to see him like that. And so understandably her instincts to take care of him immediately took over.

With the broth simmering nicely on the stove and Joshua's food still cooking in the oven, she goes and checks on Fitz. He was fast asleep, his congestion causing him to snore even louder than usual. There were many things she missed about him, but she had to admit his snoring was not one of them; not that he could possibly help it now. Getting closer, she checks on his temperature once more, much to her dismay he is still very hot, so she pulls the covers off him slightly to help cool him down. Deciding it would be best not wake him and let him sleep his fever off for a little while longer, she forgoes giving him paracetamol for another hour or so.

In the meantime, unable to help herself she starts to tidy up the room.

Apart from the mess, she notes that very little has changed since she left. Of course the absence of a woman is notably felt, but everything else has remained the same, same décor, same arrangement of furniture… _same bed_. A heat flushes to her cheeks as she recalls memories shared with Fitz in this room and this bed. Ultimately, it had been the place where she and Fitz had consummated their vows as husband and wife. They were so in love with each other, that their wedding night extended for two nights and two more days. Only leaving the bedroom for food and rest breaks; they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Making love, touching, snuggling, sleeping in each other's embrace, then back to making love again, until they were too tired to move... A total contrast to the cold and clinical moments of intimacy that she allowed to take place in the months leading up to her departure. The shame she feels in just thinking about it- knowing the impact that sort of deception would have upon Fitz confidence and prowess as a lover and man; it's no wonder that he has kept his feelings about her so well hidden. She can barely forgive herself, let alone expect him to do the same.

Indeed, these are the memories that taunt her; memories she still finds difficult to face, and by being here (where it all took place) also means there is no hiding from them either. She wipes away a stray tear, grateful that Fitz is too out of it to witness her fragility… After all, now was probably not the time to discuss such matters, he was too ill and she was still trying to make sense of it all.

Suddenly seeking retreat, she quickly picks up the last of Fitz's mucus filled tissues; sufficiently clearing the floor of all mess and checks on him one last time before heading back outside to Joshua, for a much needed pick me up.

xxxxxxxx

Being with Joshua, was like a dose of good medicine to her soul- he made her smile, he made her heart soar with pride, and despite the past he loved her unconditionally. He was her little superman, who saved her every time she was in danger of falling. And not before long, just by simply playing with him her subdued mood had shifted to a more happy medium. Lunch went by with ease, clearly smiley faces and chicken nuggets were a winner in his eyes, and he ate them with gusto. When she went to wake Fitz for some lunch and more meds, Josh tagged along too, with his toy stethoscope around his neck and doctors bag at the ready. Even Fitz, despite how he was feeling smiled at the sight of him.

Joshua was something else.

And as it so happens, so was his father-who was now taking on the role of a petulant child, refusing to drink the broth that she had made for him…

"Come on Fitz, you need to eat something to keep your strength up…"

 _"I know, I'll have it later…_ " he dismisses instead, only opting for the paracetamol before lying back down again…

"Fitz, even you know tablets on an empty stomach are not good for you…" She persists, despite the realisation that her words are only falling on deaf ears, as he turns his back to her and grumbles into his pillow… _"I'll be fine…"_

"Shall I leave it here then…?"

Faintly, he replies with a… _"Hhhmm... yeah"_

Giving up, she looks at Joshua who looks back at her knowingly and states… "Daddy's being a bad patient!"

"Yes Josh, he is, and a very stubborn one at that too!"

xxxxxxx

A couple of hours later, both she and Joshua had fallen asleep in front of the TV; that's until she is suddenly awaken by a loud groaning sound coming from Fitz's room. Careful, not wanting to wake up Joshua, who is sprawled out over her lap, she gently picks him up and carries him into his bedroom, before rushing to Fitz's aid. Expecting him to be awake, instead, she finds him tossing and turning, moaning in pain and mumbling incoherently in his sleep. She goes over to him, and immediately realises he is drenched in sweat, his top, his boxer shorts, his sheets completely soaked through…

His fever was at it's peak.

 _"Fitz… Fitz?"_ Delirious it seems; she tries to wake him out of it, but with little success… "Fitz we need to get you out of these wet clothes…"

Still no response.

Knowing he will only get worse if he remains in his garments, and realising he's not about to break out of this spell any time soon, she resolves to change him out of his clothes herself. After all, it's not as if she hasn't seen it all before. So she fills a wash bowl with lukewarm water and retrieves a towel and washrag from the bottom of his chest of drawers. Methodically, she goes about removing the wet items of clothing; first with his top, which she peels off his heated skin and then gently proceeds in sponging his upper torso with the cool water, drying him off thoroughly after, and then redressing him... before gingerly moving on to his lower region. Although, there is no sexual motivation behind her actions, she can't help but feel a tingling of recognition as she pulls down his boxers, revealing him to her gaze- _she had almost forgotten..._

Stop it, stop it now she tells herself. Focus back on the task at hand...

Not wanting to stimulate him in anyway, afraid that it might just be the key to him waking up, and inevitably place them both in a very precarious situation, she deliberately avoids his most intimate of areas and concentrates mainly on his thighs and legs, running the cool damp cloth along them in a bid to cool his body down, before quickly drying and covering him back up again in a fresh pair of boxer _Phew._ With that accomplished, albeit with extra shaky hands, she somehow manages to manoeuvre him to remove the dampened sheets from underneath him and replace them with clean dry ones. By the time she's finished, she is fit to collapse herself! Although she hasn't failed to notice, that his frantic stirring and agonising moans have quietened down quite considerably, completely justifying her actions and also making her feel good in knowing she has helped in some way. Although, with his fever yet to break she suspects he's not fully out of the woods just yet, and therefore vows to keep a closer eye on him as the evening progresses.

Desperate for the relief of a cold shower herself, yet realising there's not much point in doing so, if she's only going to end up all hot and bothered again in the kitchen, she wisely gets a start on dinner first. Using the chicken that was not used up in the broth, she quickly seasons it and grills it on the stove with some red peppers, chillies and onions, whilst chopping up a side salad to go with it. Knowing that what she has chosen to prepare will not take too long to cook, she's hoping that she'll have enough time to quickly jump in the shower and redress before either Fitz or Josh requires further assistance.

****

Twenty minutes later, mission accomplished, she sighs in sheer gratification as the cool spray washes over her heated skin. However, as she loses herself in the cleansing sensation, she finds her thoughts forbiddingly stray to those of Fitz, and the undeniable effect he still has upon her mind and her body, heightening all of her senses. And as her soapy hands gently skim over the tops of her breast, a sudden awareness washes over her, as she comes to the realisation that her desperation to cool off had reached far beyond the effects of any adverse weather conditions or subsequent heat from the kitchen... No, when it came down to it- it was all about Fitz!


	26. Chapter 26

**Chills**

 _"Mummy… Daddy?"_

She had got out the shower just in time, as it appears Joshua had awoken from his nap and was in search of her and Fitz.

"Hey sweetie." She swoops him up and gives him a cuddle and a kiss, _"Did you sleep alright?"_ She whispers to him, not wanting to wake Fitz just yet.

"Yes, but I'm really hot." He tells her, although his flushed cheeks had already given that statement away.

"I know sweetheart, it's very hot today, would you like an ice-lolly before dinner to help cool you down?"

Still a bit sleepily, he nods… "Yes please."

She puts him down and heads to the freezer for the pack of ice-lollies… "Strawberry, orange or lemon?"

"Lemon please". He was definitely her son. "Great choice!" she retorts with a grin, drawing one from him too.

"Here you go…"

 _"Ice-lollies before dinner? Olivia you're getting soft?!_ "

Startled, she turns around and finds Fitz standing on his feet. "You should be in bed!" She immediately chastises.

He begins to cough, sounding extremely chesty. Eventually, once he gets himself under control again, he replies wittily… " _Hey_ , don't worry, that's exactly where I plan to go, I just needed the bathroom… Then I thought I'd come out and see what mayhem you two were up too."

"Well we're fine, aren't we Joshua?"

Josh smiles widely, lemon juice glistening around his mouth… _"Uh huh!"_

 _"See?"_ She appeases, as she walks over to him; face stern and meaning business, as she turns him back on his heals… "Now, off you go."

She follows him back in and carefully helps him back into bed, covering him with a cotton sheet… _"Where's my quilt?"_ He asks out of curiosity, having noticed it missing earlier.

"It was soaked through in sweat…" she tells him, looking rather sheepish, as she anticipates his next question… "So I take it my clothes had a similar fate…?"

She nods her head, barely making eye contact… "Yes, I'm afraid so, I had no other choice but to…"

He puts his hand over hers; quelling any awkwardness she might feel about the situation, not that she should feel weird about it, after all, he would have done the same thing had the shoe been on the other foot. " _Hey_ , it's no worry… trust me, I appreciate everything you have done so far." She looks up at him then, as he adds sincerely… "Thank you Olivia".

She can't help but smile in response, "You're welcome."

With the elephant successfully removed from the room and feeling more at ease, she immediately falls back into Nurse mode… " _So_ , shall I warm this up for you, or do I have to force feed you this broth…?"

"Go on, warm it up then, I'm sure it can't make me feel any worse…"

" _Haha_ , very funny…" she laughs with him, before adopting a more serious stance as she asks… "How are you feeling?"

"Not too bad…"

" _Fitz!_ " she frowns… "And without the bravado…?" She presses knowingly.

" _Honestly?_ "

" _Yeah,_ honestly!"

"Like my head and body is about to implode and my chest is about to collapse from excessive coughing…" he confesses to her hoarsely.

"That bad, _huh?_ "

He closes his eyes, grimacing… " _Yep_ , that bad…"

"I guess you'll be needing some more drugs then?"

 _"Oh yes!"_

She squeezes his hand comfortingly… "Coming up!"

*****

With Fitz all set up in his room, with food and painkillers, she goes back to serve up dinner for her and Joshua. Considering lunch was quite some time ago, Joshua's appetite is not quite up to scratch and he's barely touched his food. She suspects it's the heat, so instead she encourages him to eat at least two more spoonful's and offers him another glass of water. Which he readily accepts, as she finishes off her plate and what is left of his.

They stay up for another hour, where they sit and play games on Fitz's Ipad. It amazes her how confidently he can navigate his way around it, whilst also teaching her how to play his favourite games. It doesn't take her long to get a hang of it, and in the end she has to refrain from taking it over completely, once she gets a taste for it herself.

 _"MY TURN!"_

He chuckles… "No it's my turn mummy!"

 _"Are you sure?_ " she jokes with him, pulling a funny face…

"Yes," he giggles… _"You're silly…"_

 _"I'm silly, am I?"_ Unmercifully she starts to tickle him, and he squeals in delight… _"Yeeees"_ , he shrieks as he tries to squirm away from her, but without little success... His laughter is so infectious, she finds she laughing right alongside him, until she eventually tires them both out...

" _Whoa…_ Okay, I'm beat Mister. And if I'm not mistaken it's almost someone's bedtime!"

He looks up her, his cheeky grin quickly turning to a frown…

" _Aaaaaaaw,_ do I have to?"

She playfully taps him on his nose… "Unfortunately, my handsome boy, you do…"

"Ooooooh".

"But first this cheeky little monkey needs a bath".

*****

A quick bath and two story books later Josh finally drifts off to the land of nod. Talking of which, Olivia was almost on her way there too. She was shattered. With a yawn and a stretch, she heads back out into the hallway, thinking it was probably time to make her way back home. But's that's when she hears him call for her…

 _"O...Ol..Olivia_ _?_ _"_

She walks in to find him curled up in a ball, teeth chattering... Alarmed, "Fitz, are you alright?"

"Olivia I'm so cold…" he manages, shivering; the chills taking full reign over his body… "I… _I…_ _nee_ _nee_ need my quilt…"

"It's still damp…" She retorts, rushing to his linen drawer and pulling out as much sheets as she can possibly find… "One second…"

One by one she starts to pile them up on top of him, cocooning them around his frame, in hopes to trap in the heat; however it does nothing to curb his trembling. She leans over him, touching his brow; it's hot and clammy. Afraid and not too sure what to do next, she asks… "Do you want me to get you something hot to drink, some tea, or…?"

He shakes his head in response, finding it increasingly difficult to talk now. And therefore, unable to verbalise what he really needs in words, he shows her instead, by pulling her arm around him.

 _"Oh..."_ She doesn't need any further prompting and immediately takes his lead, by wrapping herself around him and clinging on to him like a limpet. Grateful, he holds on to her just as tightly, welcoming her warmth and heat.

" _Sssh,_ it's okay now, it's okay…" She whispers soothingly… _"I've got you."_

*****

The exact moment in which he stops shaking however is lost to them both; completely exhausted by the day's events, they are both pulled into a deep slumber, during which their bodies readjust, spooning and fitting together like two missing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle; coming together as one.


	27. Chapter 27

**Heat**

Awoken by a fierce resurgence of heat and heaviness upon his chest, his eyelids, although laden with fatigue slowly open up. Disorientated, it takes him a while to register where he is, but more poignantly who is lying beside him, fast asleep, with her slender arm draped across his midsection and her head snuggled in the crook of his neck.

 _Olivia_.

Suddenly the memories from the previous day and night come flooding back. Starting from the morning, where out of nowhere, he had been railroaded by a dose of flu that had rendered him weak and unfit to function, achy limbs, an insufferable headache and a chesty cough to boot… And then Olivia, turning up, forgoing plans and selflessly tending to his every need. Joshua's too. He hadn't expected her to stay and even when he foolishly declined her offer, she persisted; stepping in and taking charge… However, moments thereafter come to him waves, first hit by fever; then a dreadful bout of chills… and then the vague awareness of Olivia rushing to his aid, each and everytime.

In a way he knows that he does not deserve the kindness that she has bestowed on him. As apart from all dealings with Joshua, up until now, he has purposefully kept her at arms length. And although it was becoming more and more difficult to accomplish, everytime she would try and broach the subject of their relationship, he always found a way to put a pause on the conversation, mainly because he wasn't ready to admit that he wanted her back in his life, just as much as she was now in Joshua's. But then yesterday had proved to him in more ways than one just how much he needed her as well as wanted her.

Delirious with fever and chills, at the time all he wanted was a warm body bedside him, and when he reached out to her, encouraging her to wrap herself around him, which she did without any hesitation on her part, albeit unconventional, it was just what the doctor ordered; as the warmth of her pliant body, radiated through to his and brought an end to the tremors that had fiercely held his body at ransom. Finally, due to her unfailing care and compassion, he had found physical solace within her embrace, putting him and his ails momentarily at ease. Not long after, understandably, he was consumed with exhaustion, and he had dosed off into one of the deepest and most contented sleeps he had experienced in years.

As did she.

Only now he was awake and he is fully aware of what she has done for him. Just as he is equally aware of her close proximity; as the familiar scent of her accosts his senses and unearths emotions, that in an act of self-preservation he has successfully kept buried away until this very moment. He looks down at her, studying her close and realises that his pull and attraction to her can no longer be denied. And despite the heavy toll of her struggles, in his eyes her beauty remains unmarred and unparalleled to any other woman. Physically and emotionally, no one could even dare to compare; if anything his inability to move on since she left was proof in itself.

Unconsciously, she shifts against him, her leg gently rubbing along the inside of his thigh, causing him to stir in response. Suddenly mindful that he should create some space between them before things get out of hand, he attempts to unravel their tangled limbs without waking her… _Only_ , her eyes begin to flutter, and within a few seconds soulful brown orbs are seeking out his ocean blues, where the true extent of his feelings dwell, unhidden, unmasked and undeniable; emotions that are also heavily mirrored in hers.

Locked in, hearts pounding, the atmosphere between them is tangible and thick with desire. Fitz, too compelled and too weak to fight her, or himself now finds himself closing in.

Lips gently come together and meet; soft kisses ensure- at first hesitant in their exploration, soon rediscover and familiarise. It doesn't take them long before the skilful ministrations of his mouth and tongue coax her into opening up fully and letting him in; causing temperatures to rise even higher. Passions too, as tentative hands now begin to roam, undress, touch and caress. His breathing is becoming laboured, hers too; as both of them lose themselves in the moment and surrender completely to their baser needs…

WANT, HAVE, FEEL, CONSUME… all logic and reason abandoned. And there's no turning back.


	28. Chapter 28

**Aftermath**

Breathlessly they part from each other.

Olivia remains silent, as she struggles to make sense of what's just transpired between them. For her whole being is overwhelmed with sensation and emotion; a mixture of love, happiness, hope but also fear and doubt. Fear, for the very simple reason she doesn't know what to expect next. This was not supposed to happen; it wasn't planed, or expected, especially when you consider that a discussion about their relationship has not been touched upon since she's been back. And she came back five months ago. If anything she had convinced herself that Fitz was not interested in her like that anymore… but his actions just now told a whole other story. Physically he still wanted her, craved and desired her, that much was certain, however where he stood emotionally, unlike her, he was still an enigma. For the sex had a certain edge to it, it was ardent and desperate, bordering on frantic; nothing like what they had shared in the past-it was like a race to reconnect and bring themselves and each other to completion, and although she enjoyed it and found pleasure in the act, she now feels very vulnerable and unsure of it all.

If only she could be certain as to where his heart stood on the matter.

Not knowing what to say, he too keeps quiet.

He can no longer deny his feelings for her, but yet despite what has just taken place, he still can't bring forth the words to express how he really feels. Not yet. Whereas he knows that he never held back physically; showing her with his body just how much he wanted her, he is also acutely aware that he tried his best to hold back emotionally, not quite willing to make himself completely vulnerable to her. However, he knows exactly how she feels about him, because there was no hiding from her emotions; she still loved him.

Honestly, he had suspected it for a while now.

Upon reflection, he is ashamed that he has allowed this to happen, or that he himself could lose control so easily… For one, a lot has been left unsaid between them, which should have really been discussed LONG before any of this could develop and transpire. Adding sex to the equation has only made this complex situation even more complicated.

He looks over at her, her chest still rising and falling in the aftermath of their feverish exchange and like him, also deep in thought. Still unsure of what he should say himself; although knowing he should say something to address what's happened, he calls her by her pet name... _"Livvie?"_

Her heart skips a beat. _She can't remember the last time he called her that..._ Hesitantly, because her nerves are all over the place, she slowly turns her head and looks at him, and he is immediately confronted with an immense fear and anxiety resounding in her eyes… And to be honest it throws him. "Liv, _I'm_ … I'm sorry…" is all he manages instead.

Hearing him say sorry, it's almost too much to bare. She bites her lip, fighting back the tears threatening to spill… "I know, I should have stopped it… you were ill, still are... _I… I better go…_ " However he reaches out, stopping her from getting up… "No, don't go… I don't mean it like that, _it's just_... we need to discuss this…"

She pauses. " _Fine,_ but not here… I can't, _it's too…_ " She finds it hard to express the words, although he understands completely and he allows her to briefly escape to the bathroom, as he slips on his dressing gown and heads into the living room. A few minutes later she joins him on the sofa.

He is the first to speak up… "Olivia what happened tonight should not have happened, but I let the events of the day overshadow my judgement… You had been so selfless in your actions from the moment you got here, dropping everything to look after me and Josh, that when I woke and saw you there lying next to me… I was so overcome with emotion and gratitude that I couldn't help but be drawn to you; it was so familiar too… _I… Olivia it's been so long…"_ he tells her honestly.

She nods, knowing all too well what he means by that… She hasn't been with anyone else since she left either.

"We've not really discussed our relationship and I know that's partly down to me… but clearly this is something we can no longer ignore… At the end of the day we need to set some things straight, because the last thing I want is for our relationship to jeopardise the relationship you have developed with Josh- it's too important!"

"I totally agree… Joshua will always come first, but I need to know Fitz… I need to know how you feel about me, _about us_ , because honestly, I don't know… Tonight was a mistake, I agree, we should have talked first, there is so much that I haven't had the chance to say or express. And although I know that you have forgiven me for Joshua's sake, I have real doubts as to whether you have truly forgiven me for what I've done to you… _When it comes to you and me, I do not know where you stand…"_

"And what about you, you kept so much from me when we were together, how can I ever be sure of your intentions?"

"I know I deceived you… I know I did you wrong, but I was sick Fitz, I wasn't myself… but I hope you can believe me when I say, that despite it all I never stopped loving you, _even now_!"

There she finally said it… Even faced with the uncertainty of his feelings it's like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Considering what they shared just moments ago, she feels she has nothing more to lose.

Serious as a judge. _"And what if don't feel the same?"_ He knows he's playing devil's advocate and that by doing so he's also deflecting from his own truth, but at the same time he refuses to let his guard down until he is absolutely certain of the depths of her feelings.

She gulps… "Even if you don't feel the same, it doesn't change how I feel about you, I love you Fitz… If not, I wouldn't have let it go as far as it did."

She's telling him the truth. He knew it from the moment she woke up and locked eyes with him, only now she had voiced it loud and clear and with conviction too. _God help him now…_ Because where they go from here, would inevitably rest on his decision. _Was he really capable of trusting her and letting her back in again?_

He begins. "Since you've been back, although it's been difficult, I too have had to face up to my responsibilities in this situation. It's true, I buried my head in the sand, ignoring all the signs that you were struggling and falling apart… And for that, I ended up paying the ultimate price for my actions, by losing you… But it was easier to spend the last two years blaming you, hating you for leaving me and Josh… I know now that I was wrong for doing that, however, the grief I felt in losing you; there was no room for self-evaluation or blame. Then, out of no-where, having given up all hope of ever seeing you again, of having you back in our lives-you turn up and throw a whole spanner in the works. And to be honest I resented you for that, I was so angry…"

"I know."

"No Olivia, I don't think you do… I was so hurt; that when you came back all I wanted to do was transfer all that hurt onto you… Only to find that you had done a good enough job of that yourself… _The things you'd been through, I_ … I can't imagine what that was like for you… It makes me sick thinking of you in that place, alone, struggling to come to terms with your demons. That in a way, it makes me angry for all different reasons, mainly because I couldn't be the one to help you through it."

"I felt like a failure Fitz, unworthy of your help…"

"I understand that, but that doesn't make me feel any less inadequate, I was your husband, and yet I couldn't do anything to help you…"

"But you're wrong Fitz, because in the last five months you have helped me more than you can _EVER_ imagine by letting me have Josh back in my life, and I in his…"

He lets her words settle in, before admitting… "In the beginning, I believed he was all you came back for…"

"He was," she confesses, but then adds with a catch… "Only because I didn't dare hope for more; I didn't dare hope for you…"

Chocked up, he takes a deep breath to regain his composure… She's said enough, and he conscience of the fact that he's maybe said too little... But he has come to a decision, but only on one condition; he has to be sure… "Earlier, you said there are still things that you need to say to me, and I know that you've just told me that you love me… _but is it just that?_ Is that everything out in the open now? Because if I decide to do this with you; to explore us again, then I want to do it knowing that there are no more secrets between us Olivia… I want to be able to trust you openly and have faith that you will always be honest with me, and at all times, no matter if it's good or bad…"

Her heart begins to race, now faced with a decision that may either make or break her...

 _"Olivia?"_

She needs to hear him say it first... _"Tell me, do you love me Fitz?"_ She's crying now, realising the weight of his response holds the very key to the strength and courage she will need to be completely honest with him and finally reveal the secret that she's kept hidden all this time...

Putting his heart on the line, finally ready to take the plunge, and let go of all his reservations and fears, he replies emotionally… "Yes Olivia, I do... I still love you, and probably always will."


	29. Chapter 29

**Confession**

 _He loves her._ After all the hell she's put him through she never thought she'd see the day again, when Fitzgerald Grant would tell her that he loved her. A part of her wants to rejoice, to fall to her knees and thank the heavens above for granting her this precious second chance, but she is so mindful of the fact that this happiness may be short lived that she remains reserved in her response…

She has to tell him now, she has no other choice. _Sure_ , it would be a lot easier to take the coward's way out- to refrain from saying anything, or even make up some half-baked alternative to curb any suspicions, but if her personal experience has taught her anything, it would be that deeds such as these never remained in the dark. And if she wants to stand a real chance of making it as a family, with both Fitz and Joshua then she has to be honest with him, because a relationship built upon lies only had one thing in store, and it was far from pretty.

But she is petrified, because once this secret is revealed, in essence, she will be stripped bare, leaving herself defenceless and entirely at Fitz's mercy. But at least now, with the knowledge of his feelings, she can pray that his love for her will help to give him a greater understanding into the difficult decision she had made.

Resolve firm, although laced with a number of doubts, she takes Fitz's hand in her hers and squeezes it gently, before slowly looking up and levelling him with her eyes…

He can sense this is something big... " _Olivia?_ "

"Fitz, I love you, and hearing you say that you feel the same, _well_ _I…_ I can't begin to explain what that means to me, but whereas my heart is full of joy, my head knows it means nothing unless I have your full forgiveness…"

"Olivia, I know you don't believe me, but in a way, I forgave you a long time ago…"

She nods, "For walking away, _maybe…_ but not for what I'm about to tell you…"

His expression is now one of confusion, hers of fear… "I want you to know that telling you this will not be easy for me… because honestly it brings back memories that I would rather suppress than face; because it's just too painful…"

He doesn't like the sound of this at all… "Olivia what is it?"

Unable to hold back, she starts to cry, as she prepares to confess all… "As you know, after I left I was a complete and utter wreck… I had lost my entire world, therefore I had very little to live for- At first I attempted to bludgeon my pain with alcohol, but that never really worked… If anything, it made me feel worse. To say that my head was not in a good place, would have been an understatement, _I mean_ , how could it be when thoughts of hurting myself, _killing_ _myself,_ gave me a warped sense of comfort... It was a very bleak time for me, during which I grew extremely weary, I could barely get out of bed. Some days the level of exhaustion I experienced, had even prevented me from feeding myself… I chalked it down to depression at first, and of course a huge element of it was depression, but as the days rolled into weeks I found I was becoming increasingly lethargic, and then all of a sudden I started to get sick-constantly throwing up, try as I might, I couldn't keep anything down... And although it had taken me a while to register it, I guess at that point I could no longer deny what was happening to me…"

Putting the pieces of the puzzle together himself, he gasps in disbelieve... "Oh my God, you... _you were pregnant?_ "

"Yes…" She reveals solemnly, unable to quell the tears that are spilling down her cheeks… "Eight weeks."

He is visibly struggling to get his head around the notion, and what this news could possibly mean for them now. The fact that she had not returned with a baby in tow, _could only mean one thing…_ but he has to know for certain… " _Whha… What happened Olivia?"_

Streaming in tears, she shakes her head from side to side, unable to release the guilty words from her lips. In fear that they would surely destroy everything...

 _She can barely look at him._

"No Liv… _NO don't_ , you can't mean…?"

With her head lay low, she replies gut wrenchingly... _"I'm so sorry…_ "

"Olivia _please_ , please tell me you didn't do what I think you did…"

Eventually and brokenly she weeps… " _I wish I could, but I can't…"_

His heart shatters… _"You had a termination?"_ It's more of a statement than a question, for he already knows the answer and feels sick to the stomach at just the thought of it.

" _I'm so sorry Fitz…_ " She manages, knowing the words sound so inadequate, yet what else can she say? For she is sorry, and has been sorry ever since the day she aborted their baby.

Fitz finds himself momentarily speechless, utterly torn by her revelation… The husband and father in him is excruciatingly saddened and hurt by her actions, not to mention the fact that with regards to their baby's fate, she never even gave him the chance to have his say… But then conversely, the doctor in him he can't help but consider the fragile state she was in when she had walked out, and he can only imagine how the news of another pregnancy would have toiled with her sanity; the sheer terror she must have faced at the prospect of having another baby, after all that happened with Josh. And then he looks at her now, utterly broken before him, and he realises that if the recollection of her actions could still bring forth this level of distress- two years down the line, then he also knows that her decision to have a termination back then must have absolutely killed her inside. And although he is clearly struggling with the news himself; wishing she had turned to him for support instead of choosing to face this alone; witnessing her anguish now simply breaks his heart.

Briefly pushing his feelings aside; the need to console her completely takes over… Wordlessly, he moves closer to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into his embrace… As soon as her face presses against his chest she is wracked with sobs, as she openly cries for the baby whose life will never come to pass.

 _"Sssh_ , it's going to be okay Olivia…" He whispers to her gently, inbetween his own tears. And there's no sign of malice or ill-will underlying in his tone only that of comfort and concern and it completely undoes her… " _I didn't know what else to do; I was so scared"._ She cries, clinging on to him as if afraid to let go.

He holds her tighter, feeling her need for security; she's afraid of losing him… "I understand Olivia, _I do…_ it couldn't have been easy for you… I just wish you told me… _maybe we could have…_ " he trails off, recognising that there is little point in dwelling on what has past, this was not something you could take back… Olivia had tortured herself enough in the face of her decision, he wasn't about to add to it by offering up possible alternatives to her solution… It would only hurt her more.

As she continues to sob, as he continues to hold her, he suddenly thinks back to the passage he found highlighted in her Bible; it was all making sense now; the words no longer leaving him puzzled or bewildered, but instead they now offer him a sense comfort; in which he is sure she too has drawn from, in her moments of grief.

"Do you hate me now?" She whispers into his chest, afraid to look him in the eye, and meet the condemnation she is bound to find there.

 _"Look at me Livvie…"_ He directs her gently, lifting her chin and tilting her head upwards… "I don't hate you, it was an impossible choice to make, but considering the situation at the time, I know you felt you were doing the right thing and I get that…"

"So, does that mean you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive Olivia…"

"How can you say that, after what I did?"

"Because I know you didn't do this out of spite or with the wrong intentions... I can see the pain this has caused you, in fact it's so tangible I can almost feel it, as if I'm reliving the whole thing with you… And honestly, knowing what you had to endure, whilst I try to process what the loss of this child means to me too... Liv, I would be lying if I said it wasn't tearing me up inside, because it is, I'm absolutely devastated... But it's not my forgivenesses that you need right now, if anything what you need is to forgive yourself."

Lip trembling _... "But what if I can't?"_

He strokes her cheek and through his own red ringed eyes, he stares down at her lovingly… "Then I will have to I will spend every day of our lives together convincing you otherwise".

She can barely comprehend it… " _You mean,_ you still want us to try again?

Despite his own sadness and grief, he smiles at her softly… "This doesn't change anything Olivia, I love you and somehow we will get through this together."


	30. Chapter 30

**Soundboard**

"Thanks for having Josh you two."

"No worries, you know we love having him here, especially Ella... After all, he's the closest thing she has to a brother." James replies wholeheartedly. But if James only knew how close that comment cuts to the bone, following Olivia's recent reveal, he'd feel plain awful; as Fitz, in response attempts to mask his sadness with a smile, as he stares over at Joshua and Ella, who are happily builtding towers of Lego together... Although, James was perfectly right, Ella really was the closest thing that Joshua had to a sister as well. They had always been incredibly close.

"Here you go", Cyrus hands him a cup of coffee, as he joins them around the table... "Thanks Cy."

"Well Fitz, I have to say you're sounding much better, because earlier on in the week I could barely recognise your voice over the phone."

"Yes, it was pretty awful, I've never had flu like it, but it's easing up now thank goodness… In fact, Olivia has really helped me out a lot this week too…" Fitz replies with a slight catch to his voice.

" _And how is Olivia?_ " Cyrus probes. Glad that Fitz has brought up the subject of Olivia himself, as he had happened to bump into her one morning this week, on his way out to work, just as she was heading up to Fitz's apartment.

"She's good… In fact, she's the reason I need you to look after Joshua today. _We…_ we needed some time _alone_ to sort a few things out…"

"Sounds ominous?" James turns to him curiously.

 _"Yes, well…"_ Unconsciously, Frankie looks up at the clock, making sure he has enough time to sound things out with his friends, before carrying on. As he could really do with a friendly ear right now.

"Relax Fitz, you won't be late, now spill…" Cyrus coaxes insightfully.

Fitz laughs, " _Gosh_ am I that transparent?"

"Afraid so… So come on, tell us what's going on?"

He motions to Joshua… lowering his voice. _"Not in front of him..."_

James calls over to Ella, "Sweetheart, why don't you show Joshua your new doll house in your bedroom, I'm sure he will love it."

 _"Oh yeah!"_ She smiles brightly at the idea, suddenly very excited to share her new favourite toy with Joshua, as she jumps to her feet, taking Joshua by the hand and encouraging him to do the same... "Come on Joshy, you have to see it, it's really good", she exclaims as she bounces towards her room. _"Coooool"_ Josh replies back, following after her.

Kids successfully removed from the room, Fitz starts to divulge all that's transpired between him and Olivia over the past week. **It's full on** , and a lot more than what either Cyrus and James would have ever anticipated him relaying; especially about the abortion. However, to begin with they voice very little of their own opinion, and instead they provide Fitz with the platform he requires to offload… It comes as no surprise to them both that Fitz still loves her; of course they had known that from the very beginning. As underneath all the anger and rage, there had been a broken hearted man that desperately wanted to reconcile with his love, but he was just too fragile to admit it himself, let alone anyone else… but it seems with Olivia's hard work and sheer determination to get better and make up for lost time, she had finally managed to break through those ridged defences, to reveal a man, who like her, yearned to make things right between them again, and not just for Joshua's sake either.

"Do you think we are moving too fast?" Fitz eventually asks, in desperate need of their input.

"Well I suppose it's all relative really, after all, you and Olivia are hardly strangers; you've got a whole host of years and history between you… whereas on the other hand, she's only been back for four/five months? Therefore, based on that knowledge- _do I think that your physical reconnection was rushed? Y_ es, maybe a little- but then again the culmination of events leading up to your sexual engagement was not exactly the norm, _now was it?"_ Cyrus offers.

"To be fair both our defences were down that day…" Fitz admits.

"And understandably your emotions got the best of both of you." James finishes off…

" _And the baby?_ What's your thoughts on that?" Fitz has to ask.

Both think on it for a moment. "Medically speaking, considering the circumstances, _honestly_ I don't think Olivia would have coped with another baby…" Cyrus responds honestly, as James adds sympathetically... "I'm so sorry Fitz. It's an incredibly sad situation, that much is true… but looking from her point of view I believe her actions were more than justified…"

"I just wished that she came to me for help…" Fitz admits sadly.

In a bid to comfort, James places a hand on his friends shoulder... "I know, and I suppose she wishes she could have come to you too… It would have been wonderful to have another little Grant running around the place, and great for Joshua too-having a little brother or sister to play and grow up with, but who's to say that can't still happen…"

 _A thought suddenly strikes him…_

"Come to think of it, after your little interlude the other night, if you ain't careful they could well be another little one on the way... _Were you, careful?"_

The look of alarm on Fitz's face says it all… " _Damn it_ , with all that's happened, I didn't even think about the possible consequences of our actions…"

"I take it there was no time for precautions then?" Cyrus asks knowingly.

"Cy I was half delirious with fever, and well, _you know what it's like…_ It wasn't exactly planned?" Fitz is distraught… " _Shit_ , how could I be so stupid, so careless?!" He chastises himself.

Cyrus reaches over to him, trying to calm him down… "Fitz, listen to me, there's no point in worrying about that right now… What's done is done…"

" _But what if she's pregnant…?_ "

"You will deal with it…" James replies levelly, "In the same way you have dealt with things so far… _together._ "

Fitz hangs his head, forlorn... "It was not supposed to happen this way."

"It will all work out in the end, I'm sure if it!" James replies reassuringly… "The most important thing is that you two love each other, and that the both of you want to make a real go of it… And if you ask me, that's the recipe for strong foundations, strong enough to weather whatever life chooses to throw at you."

Fitz sighs, head reeling... "I hope so… God I really do hope so."


	31. Chapter 31

**Trust, support and honesty**

He looks down at his watch; she was running a bit late which was not like her at all. Assuming that her session with Dr Synnaire has run over he decides to give her a couple more minutes before calling her. He hopes the session went well, because if her head was a turbulent as his was, she was going to need an additional outlet- just as Cyrus and James had been for him. Ideally, they should be the outlets for each other too, but right now it's hard, as both of them are trying to readjust to each other as well as deal with revelations that have come to light.

A year ago, (maybe even a few month ago) the knowledge of her abortion would have brought huge ramifications on her part. Back then, in the midst of the unrelenting anger, he doubts he would have let her anywhere near Joshua if he had known about the termination prior to her return. It's only now, that he has witnessed her strength and growth with Josh and come to understand the root and extent of her depression that he finds himself capable at looking at the whole situation objectively; despite the fact that the knowledge of the abortion has left him feeling so torn. To think, if things had only turned out differently they could have been living in that big house he once promised her, with a dog and three beautiful kids running around the place, but instead they were living apart-had sadly lost two babies and had nearly lost each other. If it weren't for their love for Joshua, or the fact that deep down their love for each other still remained in tact, they would have never made it this far. It was definitely something to hold on to, and although he suspects it's not going to be an easy journey ahead, he's willing to put his faith in love and persevere through. It was also comforting to know that he had his friend's support on the matter. Cyrus and James had always kept an open mind when it came to Olivia's disappearance. He just prays that given enough time and explanation his parents and the rest of his family will come around to the idea as well. He and Olivia would really benefit from their support over the next few months, whereas their opposition would only serve to cripple them more.

Thinking back to his talk with The guys earlier, he also realises that he needs to bring up the sensitive subject of contraception with Olivia, or more precisely the lack of it the morning they reconnected. Honestly, he would love to have more children with Olivia. The fact that they have suffered huge losses on that front if she did happen to be pregnant he hopes that the option of abortion is not something they will have to consider. Although, he would have to agree that Liv being pregnant would obviously not be an ideal scenario at this stage in the game. They were only just finding their feet as partners again, which meant they were hardly in the most stable position to effectively cope with the additional stress of a pregnancy, and then subsequently the demands of a new born baby. They already had their hands full juggling Joshua's wellbeing and making sure that their relationship doesn't have a negative impact upon him, let alone add another baby in the mix; it would be too much for them right now. So he can only hope that fate will be kind on them this time round.

After ordering himself a coffee, he takes another glance at his watch and then promptly dials her on her cell… It rings without answering. Slightly worried now, he hangs up and tries again, only this time she answers; breathlessly, _"Hello?"_

He was relieved to hear her voice, "Hey Olivia, are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine, _sorry,_ we finished up late and then I missed my bus…" she explains hurriedly… "I'm just round the corner now… so I'll see you in a sec…"

" _Hey_ , no worries, take your time… I'll order you a cappuccino in the meantime."

"Thanks Fitz…"

"Sure thing…"

He hangs up his cell and heads over to the counter to place her order. But as he does so, he notes how apprehensious he is feeling. For a brief moment there, he was scared that she wasn't going to show up at all. For when it came to forgiveness, in truth he had forgiven her completely, but he has to admit that his faith in her ability to manage difficult situations still leaves him with some unease. It's not that he doesn't trust her, he's just scared that the stress will push her over the edge again.

When you put everything into perspective it has been an emotionally wrought week for the pair of them, not to mention physically taxing too, what with him being sick in bed with Flu. Which also meant that Olivia had to quickly adjust from being part time mum to full time mum, plus she was looking after him too... It must have been exhausting for her, and that's all before you took into consideration the emotional impact of them sleeping together, plus the aftermath and painful reveal that followed after… He was just about holding it together himself; he could only imagine how she was dealing with it. And although he had made a point of duty to check in with her regularly, to make sure that she was coping; which she insists she is, he realises however, that he can never be too sure with her. Experience had dictated that she was a pro when it came to hiding her true emotions… and he knew how dangerous that could be in the long run. Conversely, he was also acutely aware that this underlying fear of her getting ill again and running off and leaving him and Joshua a second time round, wasn't too healthy for him either. Somehow, he needed to come to terms with things too...

xxxxxxxxxx

Just as she stated over the phone, a few minutes later she arrives at the bistro, but looking slightly dishevelled. He stands and greets her with a kiss to her cheek, before taking a good look at her… he notices that her eyes are tinged with redness and they are slightly puffy… "Olivia, you've been crying; are you okay?"

She nods. "I'm alright… admittedly therapy was a little bit difficult today, but it was needed…"

" _Okay…_ " He understands, letting her take a seat. Once he is sitting opposite her, he reaches over and takes her hand in his… _"Do you want to talk about it?"_ he asks cautiously, not wanting to come across as too intrusive, but needing to demonstrate his concern for her.

"Not right now," she tells him wearily, "Honestly, I don't know if I have the strength to go over it again tonight… Although there is something I need to ask you…"

" _Sure_ , what is it?"

"I don't know how you'd feel about it, but Dr Synnaire thinks it would be good if you could come to my next session?"

His brow furrows at the sheer thought of it, the idea of sharing his inner most feelings with a stranger had never really appealed to him…

"You don't have to decide right away…" Olivia adds, immediately picking up on his reluctance; however one look of her hopefulness quickly evaporating into disappointment complete undos him, and he finds himself agreeing… "No I'll go, _if you think it will help?_ "

Her relief is palpable. "I think it will…"

"Well in that case, let me know when and I'm there…"

His response brings forth her first smile for the day. "Thanks Fitz."

xxxxxxxxx

The rest of their lunch goes by relatively smoothly, and although banter is slightly stilted in places, just the acknowledgement that they are there having lunch alone, together, without the practical arrangements of Joshua being their sole purpose, is a very nice feeling indeed. He had missed this greatly, just being with her, talking about trivial things, having a laugh and a joke, simply being at ease with her. Sure, he still has pressing things to discuss with her, like the likelihood of her getting pregnant from last weeks escapades, but right now, he just wants to savour this precious moment of peace between them; as it renews him with the hope that everything will work out fine in the end.

With the bill paid... "So where to next?" She asks.

"Well Cyrus and James said they'll happily keep Joshua until the evening, so we could either head back to yours, or we could go for a stroll in the park, maybe grab an ice-cream?"

Her eyes light up… "I think a stroll would be nice."

He grins, "Me too."

xxxxxxxx

Pistachio ice-cream… He was glad to see that some things stayed the same. Watching her enjoy it, savouring every morsel, it takes him right back to their early days in college where their weekly diet consisted of instant noodles, a tub of pistachio ice-cream and popcorn, although the later two were her really her thing, although he soon found himself adapting. Back then, they were still strangers in many ways, just getting to know each other, young and naive, they had no idea what life would have in store for them, but yet for some reason he had always found himself inexplicably drawn to protect and care for her. On that front, those feelings had always remained in tact and became the very foundations of their relationship. For he has, and will always care about her, even when he was angry at her for leaving them he never once wished her any harm.

She draws him from his reverie, as her own thoughts cause her to enquire… "When you dropped Joshua off, did your the guys ask you what you were doing today?"

"They did, and I told them I was with you…"

 _"You did?"_ She sounds shocked by that statement. Which he immediately homes in on…

"You don't mind, _do you?_ "

She shakes her head… "No, but I thought we were going to keep this between us for now… without the pressure of others knowing?"

"I asked them to keep it to themselves, believe it or not but they're on our side Olivia."

"It's not them that I'm worried about Fitz."

"I know, it's my folks… but they'll come round eventually, they're just being extra cautious… Besides, I'm sure that they suspect something's going on between us, although they would never admit it, knowing them they won't say a thing until I bring it up myself!"

"I know that we're going to have to tell then sooner, rather than later, but I really don't want to, because I'm scared about what they will think, or what they might say... I don't think they'll be happy about us getting together."

"That's because they don't know all the facts yet, but they will, and when they do, they'll be a lot more understanding..."

"I don't think they'll be as understanding as you Fitz, especially when it comes to the baby... They will hate me."

"No Olivia, they won't hate you…" He assures her gently, stopping them in her tracks and making her look at him directly, so there is no denying his sincerity. "They'll understand Olivia, _just_ _as do I…_ I promise, they'll be no blame or judgement being passed your way, do you hear me?"

Feelings of doubt shed; only be renewed with those of faith as she tells him… "I hear you... _And_ _thank you, I honesty don't know how I managed to deserve someone like you._ " She kisses him ever so sweetly, as he in turn embraces her in his arms. _"I love you…"_ she whispers against him.

"I love you too."

He gives her another peck on the lips, before they part and continue with their stroll, arm in arm.

Secured in how they feel about one another, he realises that now was as good a time as any to bring the other matter up… Trying to sound casual, he adds… "Oh, there is something I need to talk to you about, in fact it came up when I was talking to Cy and James; to be honest, I'm surprised I never crossed my mind sooner…" He carries on nervously, "I suspect I was just too swept up in the moment to register it… and I totally forgot…"

"Fitz, what is it?"

He swallows. "That morning, _when we…_ when we…"

 _"Made love?"_ She finishes off for him…

" _Yes_ , made love… I wanted you so badly, that I didn't even think about taking the necessary precautions, when it came to- _well, you know…_ and now it suddenly occurs to me the consequences of our time together, and what it could have possibly resulted in…"

"You mean, as in a baby?"

"Yes," he replies sheepishly.

It takes her a few seconds to digest his words, before she questions his exact feelings on the matter… "And how would you feel if I were pregnant as a result of our time together?" She asks with a slight catch to her voice.

" _Frankly_ , I don't know… A part of me would be happy at the thought of us having another child together, because I would like us to have more in the future… but then the other part of me, the rational side, would have to be honest and admit that now wouldn't be the right time for us… _But…_ I want you to know that If you are pregnant, then I will stand by you, no matter what may come."

She nods, pleased with his answer, she needed him to be real with her and he was… "I agree completely, it wouldn't be the right time for us… However, no way in hell would I even think about not going through with the pregnancy… Not this time, not ever…"

He sighs, unable to hide his relief. The thought of her having another abortion would have killed him…

She adds wistfully. "If everything works out for us and we stay together; you, me and Joshua as a proper family, then there is nothing I want more than to have more kids with you Fitz… But, you don't need to worry about the possibility of that happening any time soon… because you see; I'm not pregnant…"

Confused slightly, "But how can you be so sure…?"

"I've been on the pill for over a year now, the doctors recommended it, to help regulate my hormones whilst I was being treated for the depression."

" _Ooooh_ … I see!"

She smiles at his reaction… "So, panic over…"

He returns her smile, glad that they are on the same page. " _Yes_ , panic over indeed…"


	32. Chapter 32

_Seasons greeting everyone. I would like to take this opportunity to thank anyone that has followed, liked or taken their time to review this story. It's very encouraging and greatly appreciated._

 _Also, I know a few people have asked about I'm Ready- all I can I can promise is that I have not given up on it entirely, however I do have a major mind block as to where to take it next, so please bare with me for now._

 _Again, thank you for all your patience._

 **Next steps**

Over the next 2 months Fitz and Olivia continued to make a conscious effort to work upon their relationship. As promised Fitz attended the therapy session with Olivia, which, much to his surprise he found it very enlightening and also a safe place in which he could be totally honest about his trust issues and his fears of Olivia leaving him. And by doing so, it made Olivia realise that she was not the only one that felt vulnerable when it came to them giving their relationship a second chance; because he too had just as much to lose if things didn't work out. After the first session, Fitz attended a further 4 sessions with her, where every doubt, painful recall and insecurity was brought to light and addressed with open minds and hearts; ultimately it became an emotionally cleansing experience for the two of them.

Alongside the therapy, they also carried on with their originally agreed parenting plan. Olivia would continue to have Joshua for a couple of nights on her own, because aiding and strengthening their bond remained as vital as ever. But in addition to this they also made a point of duty to factor in family time, where all 3 of them would either go somewhere, or simply spend some quality time together. It was good for their son to witness them interact and work in partnership as parents. It also became obvious that Joshua loved those days especially and revelled in having both his mum and dad around him, which only encouraged their resolve to restore their family unit. It was something that remained a constant point of discussion and consideration. Honestly both felt ready to make it official, only they couldn't seem to agree and how best to proceed… They needed to sit down and explain to Josh of course, but the question as to whether or not Olivia should move back into the apartment they once shared, or whether they should start over in a new place, still remained up in the air. It was a big step for both of them; however they were also acutely aware that they wouldn't be able to move forward as a family without taking that plunge.

 _But were they truly ready for that? Was Joshua? How was Fitz's parents going to react to the news?_

Fitz had not confirmed his parents suspicions yet. As both he and Olivia had felt felt that it was imperative that they worked on their relationship first, and Olivia's with Joshua's, without any other factors (or people) playing a part. Although, if their love for each other was the deciding factor, then the answer would be yes, Olivia would be moving back in a soon as possible.

Both of them felt secure in the love for one another, despite the fact that they had refrained from expressing their love physically. Dr Synnaire felt it was important that they developed their relationship beyond the realms of physically intimacy, by focussing on spiritual and emotional growth first, for it was these areas that laid stronger foundations for the future. They knew she was right, and so both made a pact to remain abstinent until they were ready to make their union official again. At times this proved difficult to sustain, as overrun with emotions, desires and longing it often fought to get the better of them, however, their determination to succeed always outweighed their baser needs. Although, one thing was for certain, when the time came for them to join again as one, in the physical sense it was going to be something to remember. But right now, they needed to concentrate on Joshua in order to prepare him for what was ahead.

Once again, life for this little chap was about to change altogether, in which Fitz and Olivia could only pray and hope would for the better.


	33. Chapter 33

**Reunited and it feels so good**.

"Now stay on the path Josh, don't go too fast!"

"I won't Daddy," Josh hollers back with excitement, as he pushes off on his new scooter. He had learnt to master it in under an hour and there was no stopping him now. Both Fitz and Olivia watch on in pride, as he scoots along merrily.

They casually trail behind, and as soon as Joshua is out of eat shot Fitz turns and asks Olivia his burning question… " _So…_ what's it going to be, have you decided to move in or not?"

A soft smile graces her lips. "Actually, I thought about it long and hard last night, knowing we were going to tell Josh today… and I have decided that I can't be all I want to be, to both of you and him, without moving in, I love you both so much that nothing will make me happier than having us all under one roof again…"

Fitz gleams from ear to ear… "Oh baby, I'm so happy to hear you say that…" Irresistibly he gives her cheeky kiss on the lips…

" _Hmmmmm_ " she revels for a moment. "I know, I'm happy too, but as long as you promise that we can immediately start looking for a new apartment after…"

He nods in agreement, "Sure, no problem, I understand how strongly you feel about making a new start somewhere else… So I'll… _I mean_ , WE- shall get on it right away…"

She smiles at him with love and gratitude… "Thanks, it means a lot to me…"

" _Mummy_ LOOK, look at me!"

The sound of her son's voice somehow manages to draw her attention away from Fitz's kissable lips and towards him instead, as he makes his way back at full speed…

"Wow, look at you, well done, Mummy's very proud… but you need to slow down a bit…"

"Yes son, slow down, we don't want you getting hurt…" Fitz adds firmly, but Joshua chooses to ignore him… "I won't get hurt, _look…_ " He spins his scouter around and heads off again, very quickly.

"Joshua, I'm not going to ask you again…" Fitz calls after him, but his words seem to fall on deaf ears… He looks at Olivia in exasperation… " _Can you believe this boy?_ **Joshua, come back here NOW!** "

Too late, just as he fears Joshua falls off his scouter and hits the ground hard. Josh's shrill cry sets off further alarm bells as both of them quickly run over to him. Olivia gasps, when she sees the bloody cuts to his knees and hand… "Oh my goodness!"

"Okay son, _sssh_ now… up we get, let me have a look at it…" Fitz immediately falls into doctor mode, appearing much calmer than he feels as he quickly looks him over…

 _"Is he okay?"_ Olivia asks worriedly…

"Just grazes it seems, nothing that can't be fixed…" Fitz assures her as he pulls off his ruck sac and looks for antiseptic wipes and plasters. Olivia crouches down next to them and pulls Josh in for a hug… He sobs against her.

" _There, there…_ it's okay now…" She comforts him, before promptly telling him off… "But you see this is what happened when you don't listen!"

Startled, but in a good way, Fitz looks at her impressed… She had truly come into her own as a parent, finding that important balance between nurture, discipline and love. In the beginning she would have deliberately avoided telling Josh off, but not anymore, now she remained firm when she needed to be, and even today despite Josh's tears and her initial shock, she made sure to deliver a fundamental lesson to their son-in that he must follow his parent's instructions the first time round, otherwise he could end up getting hurt.

"I'm sorry mummy…" Josh sniffles.

"That's okay sweetpea, you just make sure to listen next time, because Mummy and Daddy know best…"

"That's right Josh," Fitz reaffirms, "Especially on this scouter, otherwise we will have to put it away until you can prove to us that you are wise enough to play on it safely…"

 _"Aawwlright…"_

"Good boy, now let's get those knees sorted out… this might sting a little..."

All cleaned up, bandaged and tears dried, they head to the ice-cream parlour situated across from the park, where they plan to tell Josh their big news, over their favourite deserts. Fitz goes to order, as Olivia and Josh take a seat in one of the booths. Still feeling a bit needy, Josh asks to sit in her lap… _"Of course baby, come here…"_ He immediately moves onto her lap and she snuggles him close…

She whispers, "Mummy loves her brave little boy, did you know that?" He shuffles round slightly, offering up his cheek for a kiss; she doesn't hesitate to comply. _"Mwah"_.

"I love you too mummy!"

Fitz watches on quietly at their exchange, his heart swelling with joy and pride… He can't wait to tell Josh that his Mummy and Daddy are going to be living together again, because he knows Josh will be over the moon about it; for the love Josh has for Olivia is so incredibly obvious it cannot be denied.

Unable to stop smiling, he takes the seat opposite them and gives Olivia a knowing look, _it says…_ This has never felt more right!

15 minutes later, mid desert and lots of chocolate sauce and sprinkles… United, Olivia and Fitz tell their son the best news EVER, his little face lightens up in response!

Mummy was coming home, **for good**!


	34. Chapter 34

_**Sorry for the delay in this post guys, I haven't had a moment to write from the Christmas holiday, till now. I will try to keep them coming, as often as possible.**_

 **Figuring it out**

She knows she was wrong for doing it, but after she spotted Olivia in the hospital yesterday curiosity had got the better of her and she had found herself down in personnel... And there it was, in her hands all laid out in front of her- Olivia's full medical history; everything documented from her birth to adolescents, her appendectomy at age 14, and then pretty much smooth sailing until the miscarriage of their first baby… then a little later down the line- a second pregnancy, followed by a difficult labour and pre-eclampsia, resulting in a C-section and the delivery of her grandchild… then prescribed antidepressants for the post-partum and then a whole catalogue of events that subsequently followed her departure. But one in particular, standing out and leaving her completely unsettled.

She needed to see Fitz. _Did he know?_

Although he has not come out and said it to her directly, she has sensed a change in him over the last few month. For one, his attitude towards Olivia had completely evolved; he was no longer distant and aloof; instead, when he wasn't working he seemed to be spending a great deal of time with her and Joshua together, and time alone with her too, although he has done his best to hide it. But she knows, and she also knows that Jerry is aware of it too, because when Fitz called them a few days ago, inviting her and Jerry around for dinner; apparently he and Olivia had something to tell them, neither one of them needed it spelled out for them… Fitz and Olivia were getting back together. To be honest, it hardly comes as a surprise, even when Fitz was mad at Olivia, he never stopped loving her, and now that she was back in his life, back in their son's life too, it was only a matter of time before it came to this. However, as a concerned mother she can't help but think it's a bad move. Unlike her, Fitz was clearly letting his heart rule over his actions, instead of listening to his head, listening to reason. After all that he's been though it appears like he has forgotten about the fact that when Olivia walked out it nearly destroyed him! How can he be so certain that she can be trusted this time round? And now coupled with the knowledge of what she's found on Olivia's medical file, and also doubting that Fitz has any knowledge of it either… In her opinion, Olivia still could not be trusted.

No, this could not wait until dinner; she needed to see Fitz right away. He wasn't at work today; he had taken the day off; she suspects he's at home getting things ready for later on, so she decides to take an early lunch and head over to his place to speak to him immediately.

Fitz had popped out to get the groceries that she required for dinner. They were going to tell his parents tonight that they were getting back together. This was a huge deal for her, because she desperately wanted their approval, especially from Anne. Anne had once been like a second mother to her; she will never forget the way she fussed over her, and went out of her way to make her feel special on her wedding day- seeing as her own mother was unable to be there. She supported her when Fitz got hurt in Iraq, she was there for her when she lost their first baby, stood by her throughout all the drama with her father, helped out when she was struggling with Joshua… Anne had loved her like a mother, as did Jerry who had loved her like a father; in their eyes she was as good as family, and in hers they were the only family she had… And because of this, she realises that the day she walked out on Fitz and Joshua, she had also inevitably walked out on Anne and Jerry too, and she had hurt them just as greatly.

God knows, it has been a fraught an emotional journey to get to where she and Fitz were now, to a place where they can finally move on as a family with Joshua, whilst giving their love a second chance. But she also knows how much Fitz relies on the support of his family, and without them on board too she knows it will only makes things more difficult for them as a couple. Fitz needs them, and if she is completely honest with herself she needs them too. Therefore, a lot rests upon their reaction tonight, which in turn makes her feel incredibly nervous. Although secretly she finds she's not so worried about Jerry, for some reason he's always been the more accepting one of the two… therefore it is the anticipation of Anne's reaction that leaves her stomach in knots.

Yes, it was high time they made amends and hopefully tonight would be the start of that...

 _Or no time like the present, it seems..._

As Olivia opens the door at the sound of the doorbell ringing, expecting to find Fitz with his hands full of groceries, instead she finds Anne standing there, looking just as shocked as she is.

Caught off guard, "Anne, Hi… _Umm_ , we weren't expecting you until later?"

Anne can't help but hone in on the use of the word " _we_ ", it speaks volumes, as does the fact that she happens to be here… Automatically it gets her back up. "Where's Fitz?"

"He's out at the shops buying food for tonight?" She replies calmly, despite her intuition that Anne is far from happy.

"And Joshua?" She asks with an edge to her voice.

"He's at nursery… Anne, are you alright?" Olivia enquires, curious to know as to why she's dropped by so early in search of Fitz. Although she has her suspicions, maybe it's to do with the fact that she's already figured out what tonight's dinner is all about, and therefore she has come to warn him off the idea.

"No, I'm not alright, I came to speak to my son, but instead I find you here!"

Olivia swallows. "Yes, well I came to help set up…"

"Oh, I can see that… and MORE..." she adds, after spotting a number of cardboard boxes stacked up in the hallway. So she's already moved in. "You work fast I see…"

Olivia follows her trail of sight, and immediately cottons on… "Anne, I… _we_ wanted to tell you tonight…"

"Save it!" Anne cuts her off abruptly; somehow her admittance to her earlier suspicions only serves to rile her further. However, desperate to turn things around, Olivia pleads with her…"Please Anne, can we talk about this…"

"You know, since you've come back, out of respect to Fitz and appreciating his need to handle this situation on his own, I have kept my mouth pretty much shut for the duration of your return. And for the sake of my precious grandson; who deserved the chance to get to know the mother who had selfishly abandoned him when he needed her the most… I have silenced my tongue… but seeing as it's only you and me here, I have no reason to hold back now…"

 _"Anne…"_

"No, you will listen to what I have to say…" Anne tells her forebodingly, as she relays... "When I first met you, I already knew you had a difficult childhood- nothing like my Fitz's, and I was unsure if I wanted him to take your emotional baggage on. But against my better judgement I could not deny the way Fitz felt about you. It was so painfully obvious that you had gotten under his skin, that he wasn't about to let you go any time soon… So in the end, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and yes, despite your flaws I could see that you loved him too. You were a part of Fitz's life, so I had no choice but to let you into mine as well... When I look back at that first year of your marriage, it goes without saying that the pair of you went through hell and back and yet somehow the love that you had for each other managed to get you through it. Your determination to make it work and stick by my son, no matter what, it gave me a new perspective on things and I developed a whole new level of respect for you… Your past, my doubts about you as a person, or whether you were even right for my son, it all vanished into the background, as far as I was concerned you were a part of this family and I loved you like a daughter…" She takes a short pause, wiping her face with the back of her hand, gathering herself together again... "I then think back to that night at Abby's engagement party, I remember I couldn't take my eyes off you, because you had never looked more beautiful! You were glowing, a subtle confirmation of your pregnancy with Joshua… I had never been happier for the two of you… And I thought, finally, you and Fitz have got a chance at starting a family of your own now… and I prayed to God that you would see this pregnancy through to the end, and have a healthy little baby, that would be the ultimate symbol of your love and devotion. When Joshua arrived, that sweet, sweet baby, he completed you and Fitz in every sense of the word… But then, just as things had finally become perfect… You had to go and shut down… you closed off from everyone who loved you… You gave in and gave up and dashed my son's world to pieces…"

Olivia begins to weep, "Anne I'm so sorry…"

But Anne carries on, tears she's been holding back for years now spill freely… "Do you have any idea what's it's like to see your son fall apart… to watch his heart break? Or know what it's like to try and soothe the cries of a little baby, who can't quite understand why he's no longer cradled in his mother's arms… Do you, DO YOU?"

Olivia is trembling with the onslaught of her emotions… "There's not a day goes by where I don't regret the decision of my actions…"

Anne is almost incensed… "REALLY? And what actions would those be exactly?"

"Leaving Fitz, leaving my son… letting my family down, letting you down… Anne, you have been a mother to me, at times when I needed one the most … and I threw it back in your face, your trust, your love… I did the same to Fitz, Jerry too in fact… and for that I am truly sorry… Please, I never meant to hurt anyone, I was just so blinded by what was going on with me that I couldn't see the damage it would cause by me leaving, I could only see the benefits. I hated myself…"

"You almost destroyed my family!"

"I know, I know… That's why I came back, I needed to make amends, I wanted to put things right again…"

Okay, so maybe there were things that Anne could forgive Olivia for, but just the thought of her aborting her son's baby behind his back, she finds that near impossible to comprehend, let alone forgive… "That's the thing Olivia; there are some things that you can't put right…no matter how much you will it to…"

"Please Anne, I beg you, give me a second chance, just one more chance to prove to you that I can do this… I love Fitz, despite what you think I never stopped loving him, and Joshua he is my EVERYTHING… without him I couldn't go on. As screwed up as it was, everything I did was for Josh, to protect him and keep him safe… That's why I got help, I needed to get better for him and for Fitz, because I realised that I needed them in my life, just as much as they needed me, only I had somehow lost sight of that… But just as equally they need you too Anne, you and Jerry… So please, please, please don't make them choose between us. Surely we can put this behind us and start over?"

"Trust is a fragile thing Olivia, who unlike my son, I do not give out so freely… Fitz may have managed to forgive you and restored his faith in you, but I know better… I know what you're really capable of… and just the thought of it makes me sick!"

"What are you talking about?" Olivia questions, somewhat taken back by that statement… What is it that Anne thinks she knows that Fitz doesn't?

"Why were you in the hospital the other day?"

"What?" That throws her completely… "How did you…?"

"I was on my break and I happened to see you making your way to the walk in clinic?"

Aghast... "You followed me? Why didn't you say something?"

"That doesn't matter, what matters to me, is why you were there… Is Fitz aware that you went there?"

"It had nothing to do with Fitz, I went there for me..."

"Is that so? You see, I find that hard to believe, I mean why else would you go there, if it had nothing to do with Fitz? I assume of course that now that you're back together, no doubt you're sleeping together?"

"That is none of your business!" Olivia retorts, unable to believe that Anne would even go there.

"Maybe so, but it becomes my business if I believe you are doing things behind my Son's back?"

"I was not doing anything behind Fitz's back. If you must know I went there to enquire about my method of birth control, nothing more…"

Anne raises her brow in distain… " _Oh Really?_ Because I couldn't help but wonder if you went there to enquire about TERMINATING another pregnancy?"

Olivia gasps in utter disbelief… "Excuse me? What would make you say that?" And then it suddenly dawns on her… " _You know…_ How did you find out… I…?"

"It doesn't matter how I found out, all that matters is if my son knows… So tell me Olivia, does Fitz know about the abortion you had behind his back?!"

" _YES_ mum… yes I know!"

Unbeknown to them both, Fitz had walked in mid-sentence, mid tirade… and his face was now clouded over in thunder.

Startled, Anne turns to face her son… " _Fitz…?_ "

She stares at him as he puts his bags on the ground and wordlessly walks over to Olivia, who is the wake of it all is left physically shaken… Instinctively he puts his arm around her, steadying her against him before finally addressing his mother once more, but in a tone that leaves no mistake about it, he was not playing around… "Mother, I don't know how you found out, but right now I don't even care… All I know is that you're distressing MY WIFE, and I think for all of our sakes its best that you leave…"

She can't believe it… "You… you know, she told you?"

"Yes I know, and yes, Olivia told me herself… however I have no intention of going over this with you here… I just want you to leave… Tell Dad dinner is cancelled and I will call to discuss this further when I'm good and ready! Now go before I say something I'll regret!"

Without a further word from Anne, who is left feeling rather stunned but also acutely aware that maybe she has gone too far; she does as he asks of her and promptly leaves the apartment.

As soon as she's gone Fitz pulls Olivia into his full embrace, as she breaks down sobbing, knowing that her exchange with Anne couldn't have gone any worse, even if she tried…

"There, there now… it's going to be okay, I'm here baby… I'm here…"


	35. Chapter 35

**Part 35**

 **The fall out**

He hands her a steaming mug of camomile tea, "Here drink this, it will help." Olivia takes it from him with shaky hands, her whole body still wracked with sobs… "I've never seen her look at me that way, she was so angry, not that I blame her… _She's right_ , _what I did…"_

"Stop it Olivia, stop it right there…" he implores, but it appears his words fall on deaf ears, as she curls in on herself as if physically trying to shut him out. "Hey, look at me…" He gently tilts her head, levelling her with his eyes. "I can't let this continue, we've been over this… What happened was awful, but we both know that there is nothing we can do about it now, what's done is done, but baby I promise you, we WILL get through this- together."

She shakes her head… "How Fitz? Because you mum doesn't look like she'll be getting over it any time soon, she'll never forgive me for this…"

"Listen to me, all that matters is that I love you and I have forgiven you, Mum had no right coming here and behaving the way she did, she was wrong for that!"

Despondently she replies, "She's just found out I killed her grandchild, how else would you expect her to react?" Fitz is momentarily lost for words; somehow hearing her phrase it in that context leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. Taking his silence for exactly what it is, she gets up from the sofa… "Look, maybe we are moving too fast…"

Fitz hastily rises to his feet to stop her in her tracks… "NO, listen to me, we are right where we need to be, we have spent too much time apart as it is! We are a family, whether mum likes it or not; because I need you and so does Josh and I will not allow us to back track, not now, not ever, not when we've come so far… Do you hear me?"

Luckily, this time his words have the desired effect- reassurance and conviction... and inwardly he sighs in relief when he sees her physically relax in front of him. " _Yes_ … yes I hear you…" she sniffs, giving him a wan smile for his efforts and his love… "But what about Anne?"

"Don't you worry about mum; you just leave her to me!"

With that said, and with Olivia's doubts successfully placated for the time being, he pulls her in towards him and plants a tender kiss to her troubled brow… "Like I said, it's going to be okay… trust me, I'll get it sorted…"

xxxxxxx

"JERRY!"

On the journey over here, the confrontation had continued to play itself out over and over in her head. She still can't get over the fact that Fitz seems okay with it. How could he even begin to accept it? After all the crap Olivia put him through and now this… And instead of being mad, he just decides to let it be. She killed his baby for Christ sakes, a baby she didn't even seem fit to tell him about… God, she can't even bring herself to think about it, as all it does is bring a huge lump to the back of her throat and tears to her eyes; because the subject is too close to home, as her own memories threaten to take hold, visions of her own little girl, the tiny babe that would have been Fitz' younger little sister had she survived her birth, that precious little babe that never even got the chance to draw breath, dead, buried underground, now nothing more than food for the worms… And then there's Olivia, who first abandons her son and then gets rid of her baby like he or she was some sort of burden… It just makes her see red! That's why she found herself flying off the handle with her, because it was just too much to comprehend. Of course, if she were to try and look at it objectively, then maybe she would begin to understand where Olivia was coming from, but right now she wasn't in the frame of mind to do that… All she wants to do is cuss and shout and vent.

She calls for Jerry again… "Jerry are you home?"

He's heard her this time… "Coming, coming," he answers, walking out the bathroom with a towel tucked around his waist… "Baby what are you doing home so early? Did something happen at work?" He asks, immediately picking up on her distress signals… "What's going on?"

"Oh Jerry, you won't believe it when I tell you…"

xxxxxxxx

"YOU DID WHAT?!" He yells, unable to believe that she would stoop so low… "Breaching patient confidential, have you completely lost your mind, you shouldn't have done that, _my God!_ You do realise that what you did was illegal, right?" He warns her, "If you had got caught you could have faced a disciplinary, jeopardise your entire career… or even worse got yourself arrested! What on Earth were you thinking woman?!"

"I was thinking that my son was making the worst decision in his life by trusting her again, and I was right!" She defends… "Fitz needed to know the truth!"

"Only he knew the truth already!" he retorts, "Because the very same woman who you say cannot be trusted, gathered enough courage to tell him about the abortion herself!"

She looks at him, incredulously…. " _Hold up…_ What's going on here? I've just told you that Olivia killed our son's baby, our grandchild, so how on Earth can you be so calm about this? Did you know already, is that it?!"

"No Anne, I did not know, because if I did I would have told you, because that's what people in relationships do, they remain open and honest. Which, might I add, that's exactly what Olivia was with Fitz, she was honest, something in which you fail to recognise." He sighs exasperatedly, "Besides, Fitz knows the deal so he wouldn't even dream of telling me something like that, especially if he felt you were not ready to know! And let's face it Anne, you're not!"

"Oh I highly doubt that they had any intention of telling us in the first place!" she accuses.

"Maybe you're right Anne, maybe we were never going to be told, but has the thought ever crossed your mind that maybe it would have been easier for all parties concerned, if you and I did not know?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well look at you!" He gestures to her self-indulged behaviour… "You're so wrapped up in your own thoughts and feelings that you haven't even considered what a decision like this could have had on Olivia's life or our son's for that matter… Just in case you didn't realise, it's not all about you Anne!"

That hit a raw nerve. "Whatever Jerry, say what you will about me, but I can't help how I feel- and regardless of what you say about her, Olivia had other options available to her, she just chose to ignore them. And with regards to our son… _Hell_ , I don't know what to think anymore, although considering she's about to move back in, one can gather how he really feels about it!"

"Really? And how does he feel exactly… this I'd like to know?!"

"Well the fact that he's still taking her back, with open arms, makes me think he's not that bothered about the abortion at all…" She retorts bitterly.

Jerry has never been more disappointed in his wife, and finds himself looking at her as if she is a stranger… "I can't believe you can be so obtuse about this! Because knowing Fitz I believe the news of this abortion would have completely tore him in two, he's probably still struggling to get his head around it… And Olivia, granted when she came back I had my reservations too, as you well know, but the more I learn of her situation, the more I understand why she did what she did, even now, with the knowledge of the abortion, I can't bring myself to judge or chastise the poor girl, because it's clear to me that's she done a pretty good job of punishing herself over the last two years on her own… Her grief alone drove her to take her own life, and on more than one occasion too! Or did you not see that part documented in her medical file?"

Anne is momentarily silenced, as he presses on heavily… "The pair of them has been to hell and back, and yes, at first I too was worried that Olivia's return would send Fitz for a loop again, but do you know what, I was wrong! So very wrong, because that girl came back fighting; determined to make amends and prove herself to be trusted, prove that she can be a good mother to her son, and prove herself to be the wife that Fitz had once devoted his entire life too… And as far as I'm concerned she has done that and more. It's obvious to me that she's in this for the long haul Anne… And clearly Fitz knows it too, otherwise he wouldn't dare take the risk, not with his heart again and definitely not where Josh's welfare is concerned either. At the end of the day I trust my son to make his own decisions… And maybe, just maybe you should try and do the same for once! Otherwise you might just find yourself in a position where your son has to choose between you and his family… And I'm telling you for a fact Anne, you won't like the choice he'll make!"


	36. Chapter 36

Part 36

 **Ultimatums**

It had taken Fitz a few good days to cool off before approaching his folks, in particular his mother. Luckily his shift and his mother's shift had not changed, which meant there was no chance of him bumping into her at the work. After Olivia left, they had arranged their shifts so that when he was on, she was off and vice-versa to work around Joshua's schedule. Despite his anger, he realises that he owes his parents a hell of a lot for what they've done, in terms of support over the last two years; and it stands without reason that he couldn't have got through that period of time without them. However, it does not give his mother a free pass to force her opinions on him and make decisions on his behalf. Yes, he appreciates her reservation, for he too had once shared the very same reservations she had, but things changed when Olivia came back and he started to look at his life from a different perspective- through Olivia's perspective. And at the end of the day, whether Anne likes it or not- this was **HIS** life and she needed to let him live it as he deemed fit.

He had called Jerry earlier that morning to see if it was alright to come round after work, Jerry wanted to discuss things further over the phone, however Fitz did not; preferring to talk to him in person, although from the short conversation they did have, he was soon to discover that Anne had found out about Olivia's abortion after snooping in her private medical records, and to put it mildly he was livid! _So much so, that the knowledge of his mother's actions play heavily on his mind for the rest of his shift..._

As far as he was concerned his mother had gone too far this time, with her violation of patient privacy- he had every mind to report her, but the fact that she was his mother, and the knowledge that the medical board had strict policies regarding this matter, he chooses to refrain from doing so- Yes, he was angry, but vindictive he was not.

 _Dr Anne Grant should count herself lucky._

However, by the time he arrives at their apartment his temperament is volatile, not exactly how he intended it to be; he wanted to maintain a cool composure throughout their exchange. But considering all that has happened in the last 24 hours, it was safe to say that his plan was well and truly out the window.

Jerry opens the door to him. "Hello Son".

"Dad… _Where is she?!_ "

Instinctively, Jerry raises his hand, blocking Fitz from passing through… "Son you need to calm down".

" _I AM CALM!_ "

"No… no you're not!" Jerry retorts firmly, stepping out into the hallway and closing the door behind him, providing a further barrier between Fitz and his wife. "Believe me son, I'm not too happy with your mother either, but I will not let you come in here and face her whilst you're like this… So I suggest that either you rein it in before entering, or go home to cool off further."

"She went through Oliva's file!" Fitz justifies, fuming with contempt and immense disappointment too.

"I know son, she was completely and utterly wrong for doing that… I've had strong words with your mother about it too; because she had no right to violate Olivia's privacy like that!"

"Dad you should have heard her, so self-righteous in her tirade, yet the way she went about acquiring her facts…" Fitz trails off, visibly hurt by his mother's actions.

"Your mum should have known better, you and I both know that, but when it comes to you and Joshua, she becomes so fiercely protective of you two, that she often doesn't see straight!"

"I know that dad, but she needs to realise that by eliminating Olivia from the equation, she's not protecting us, if anything she's working against us, because like it or not, Olivia is very much part of our lives!"

"I hear you son, I really do… And that's why I think you need to remain calm and collected, whilst you tell your mother exactly that, because flying off the handle is not going to translate that message in quite the same way!"

Fitz nods… " _I know, I know…_ " he breathes.

Jerry gives him a few minutes, before giving him a reassuring pat on his shoulder… _"You good now?"_

"Yeah dad, I'm good…"

"Okay then, let's get this show on the road…"

xxxxxxxx

"She may be your wife and the mother of your son Fitz… but that means nothing without trust!"

"You're a fine one to talk about trust mum, after what you did!" He barks back.

"Well I did what I had to, to keep you and Joshua safe, and I would do it again if I had too!" she defends. "Olivia is nothing but trouble, but you're too blind to see it… Even now, knowing she killed your baby behind your back, and let's not forget the reason she left in the first place-because she nearly harmed Joshua, _her words not mine..._ Yet here you are, still willing to forgive her and forget? _I don't understand you?!"_

"I trust her, you've seen her yourself, what she's like with Joshua, she would never harm him; she adores him. And Joshua loves her too… I LOVE her mum! Of all the people in the world, I thought that you, at the very least, would be able to understand what it's like to love someone unconditionally, even if the odds are stacked against you!"

She shakes her head... "Fitz, your father and I are a different kettle of fish!"

Jerry intervenes at that point. "Not that much Anne, there was a time when your parents felt the same way about us, and yet look at us now!"

"We were young and inexperienced when we got together Jerry… These two however, are old and wise enough to do better…" She turns to Fitz again and questions… "Tell me, what guarantees do you have that in a years time Olivia won't get depressed again and leave you and Josh behind? Or what if she gets pregnant, and decides she can't cope… _What then?"_

He is galled. "Do you regards us so little, to think that Olivia and I have not discussed all the possible scenarios already? We realise that nothing is for certain, but God help us we are going to try our best to make the right decisions for us and to keep our family together… And if that doesn't sit well with you, honestly I don't give a DAMN!"

" _Fitz!_ " Jerry warns.

"I'm sorry dad, but it's true… Olivia is a part of our lives now, we come as a package, and therefore mum can either take it or leave it!"

Stubborn to a fault, Anne replies gravely… "I know how this will end, despite what she's been through, a woman that can do the things that she's done in the past, will only hurt you again! And I for one will not stand by and watch her destroy you and Joshua for a second time round, I just can't, _I'm sorry…"_

He swallows. "Fair enough… But know this! I will not let you come in between us again, no matter what… And if you dare to pull another stunt like the one you did with Olivia's medical file, I will not hesitate to take action this time!"

Fitz turns to his father… "Dad, I'm sorry it has to come to this- but I have a choice to make, and I chose my wife and son."

Jerry's eyes fill with tears… "Anne is my wife, I have vowed to stand beside her throughout the good times and the bad, but I also refuse to lose out on having you and Joshua in my life, surely we can work something out?!"

"Dad, you can see for yourself, mum will NEVER accept Olivia! And as long as she feels that way, I can see no other option; because I won't let her ruin my chances of a future with Olivia and Joshua. So if severing all ties is the only way forward, then so be it!"

Desperate to keep his family together, Jerry pulls Fitz's aside, lowering his voice he pleads to him..."Let me talk to her Fitz, let me help her to see reason, you know how stubborn your mother can be…"

Feeling hurt, Anne interjects... "Leave him Jerry! He's made his decision, and so have I!" She voices aloud; her tone void of emotion, although secretly she is falling apart inside.

Fitz takes his cue all too well, and now looks at his father, with his resolve firm… "She's right Dad… I'M OFF!"


	37. Chapter 37

Part 37

 **Innocent Party**

 _"_ _Muuummieeeeeee"_ he squeals excitedly, running towards her with a huge sheet of sugar paper gripped in his hand… "Mummy look!"

The smile on his face is to die for, so much so that the current thoughts that were circling in her head are momentarily forgotten, as she happily gets swept up in the euphoria that is known as Josh. "Hello my gorgeous boy, what have you got there?!"

 _He's keen…_ "It's my picture, I painted it all by myself!" He opens it up as he eagerly goes on to explain… "Today, we had to paint our favourite things, _so I painted…_ " **_He doesn't need to explain it any further…_** she's caught on immediately, and it silently breaks her heart. _"…Daddy,_ and that's you…" he smiles brightly, "You have the long brown hair…"

"Oh yes, I can see that, wow I love the detail…"

He beams in response, as he continues proudly… "And that's Grandpa, with his police badge on… and Grandma with her doctor's bag and her cooking spoon!"

Olivia can't help but chuckles at that, "So why does Grandma have a cooking spoon, and I don't?"

" _Because…_ she's just cooked me some blueberry muffins… see, and they're there…" His points out; his little finger pressed against his three year old interpretation of a plate of muffins… "They're next to my police car on the table!"

"My goodness, baby this is amazing! Wait till Daddy see's it!"

"He can put it on the fridge!" He advises.

"Yes, I agree, but we might have to make some space for it first though!"

"Yes, because it's big… But can I show Grandma and Grandpa first?"

Her heart sinks. "I'm not so sure Josh…"

" _Ooooh pleeeeeeease_ , I want to show them!"

She feels awful having to do this…"Sweetheart not tonight, _okay?"_

 _"_ _So tomorrow?"_ he asks hopefully... And it's his big blue eyes, round as saucers looking up at her pleadingly that completely does her in, making her want to forego the restriction altogether and take him to see his grandparents. But she knows Fitz will not approve, it's been almost three weeks since the fallout and since then he's put his foot down on the matter of Josh seeing his grandparents. Although he did take Josh to see Jerry at the ice-cream parlour a few days ago; poor Jerry, she thinks, like Josh, they were the innocent parties here, completely caught in the middle of this fray and it wasn't fair on either of them. The thing is, although she's aware that Fitz is doing it in support of her, and she loves the fact that he's willing to fight for her, however she does feel that he's going about it the wrong way. She's told him as much, but he's not in the right frame of mind to listen, he's still very much hurt by his mother's actions, and it seems he's chosen to express it through his unwillingness to bend. Much like Anne it seems.

She looks back down at Josh, and realises she's got to do something about it and soon. This cannot carry on this way! When push comes to shove, Joshua simply adores his grandparents, which comes as no surprise as they have been a major fixture in his life up until now and he misses them like crazy, and as much as Fitz would deny it right now, he needs his parents too. So she's made up her mind, she will talk to Fitz tonight. Because out of all the people involved here, she knows all too well how difficult it is to make amends when a situation like this is left to fester for too long… And she refuses to let that happen here. Not to this family!

No, she had to fix it.

Decision made, she picks Josh up and gives him a squeeze. "Pumpkin, I'll take you there tomorrow, _I promise…_ After I speak to Daddy tonight!"

"Yaaaaay", he smiles brightly, before kissing her on the cheek… "I love you mummy"

"I love you too baby. Now, let's get home and get supper started."

xxxxxx

Exhausted Fitz lets himself into the flat… It had been a long and trying shift and he was grateful to be home. Aware of the hour, he tiptoes in, cautious not to wake Olivia or Joshua from their slumber, who funnily enough are found fast asleep on the sofa, with the TV watching them. They're the picture of peace and contentment; he's almost reluctant to disturb them.

He sighs thoughtfully. It's moments like these where he wishes his mother could just see them together, to witness how natural they are together… And more importantly, for his mother to see how much it means to him to have them both here with him… _But he can't even go there right now, just the thought of his mother's point blank refusal to understand, gets him so fired up…_ He shakes the thought from his mind, not willing to let it plague this precious scene. After a while he detangles Josh from Olivia's arms, and without waking him takes him to his room and tucks him in. _"Sleep tight little man"_ he whispers lovingly leaving a kiss on his head, before heading back to Olivia.

 _"Hey you…"_

"Hey beautiful", he grins, pleasantly surprised to see her up, as he leans in and kisses her on her lips.

Eventually they part… _"Hmmm, that was nice,"_ she breathes, her lips mere inches away from his, itching to go back for another taste… but as tempting as it would be to do that, she realises now is not the time to self-indulge, not when she had other pressing matters to address first. Opting for a another quick peck instead, she then swiftly manoeuvres herself from the sofa and Fitz's advance and heads to the kitchen. "I left a plate in the microwave for you; I'll heat it up for you!"

Undeterred Fitz follows her, placing his hands on her hips and closing the distance between them, making his desires known… "If you ask me, you were doing a pretty good job of heating things up from the sofa…" he tells her seductively, leaving a trail of body melting kisses along her neck… _"Fitz… stop…"_ she sighs in protest, although she feels herself rapidly falling and succumbing to his charms… **Stop this now Olivia- she tells herself…** _Oh god, but it feels so good…_ **Olivia if you don't stop this now you'll never tell him…** _Hmmmm yes_ , _right there, Oh Fitz…_ **Josh needs this Olivia!**

"I promised Joshua that I'll take him to his Nana's tomorrow". She suddenly blurts out.

He freezes. _"What!?"_

 _Well that successfully destroyed the mood._

"What do you mean you _promised_ Joshua?"

She turns around and faces him head on… "Just that, he wanted to show his Nana and Papa the picture he painted in nursery and I didn't have the heart to tell him no…"

He steps back, "Olivia, you had no right promising him that…"

"Fitz, we can't carry on like this… Joshua misses them and I'm not prepared to stand in the way of him seeing them any longer."

"Well I don't want you taking him!" Fitz argues, unwilling to fold, but Olivia is determined to persevere on.

"Well I'm not about to break a promise to our son, if that's what you're asking me to do!"

He almost laughs… _Oh she knew exactly what she was doing when she promised Joshua that..._ "Let me ask you this, why did you even bother to run it past me, knowing full well that regardless of what I had to say, you would be taking Josh to see them?"

She takes a deep breath... "I ran it past you, because I hoped you'd come with us…"


	38. Chapter 38

**Part 38**

 **Let's Face the Music**

It has been 3 long weeks since she last saw Joshua and it was killing her. She was seriously starting to doubt how long she could maintain this stand-off with Fitz. She also found that she's been doing a lot of soul searching during last few weeks as well, especially in regards to how she handled the situation- _which was very badly_ , and she realises that her actions were definitely uncalled for- although they were in direct response to her initial shock and anger. **  
**

Although she is still angry, angry that Fitz had chosen Olivia over sense and reason, angry that he has chosen Olivia over her, and above all she was still angry at the thought of Olivia terminating her pregnancy without even speaking to her son about it first... Although she knows she shouldn't blurry the two, but somehow Olivia's termination seems to unearth all her anguish she went through after losing Ella. And knowing at first hand the grief that consumes you as you come to terms with the death or your child, she can't understand why everyone is so willing to accept Olivia's decision, especially Jerry. Of all people, she really thought that he would be on her side on this matter.

Maybe she was just wired differently, but she finds it hard to justify a termination, when at the very least Olivia could have gone through with the pregnancy, and like she did with Joshua, handed the baby over to Fitz's sole care and responsibility. As far as she is concerned, Olivia didn't tell Fitz about the pregnancy, because she knew he'd make her keep the baby, and with that in mind that makes Olivia's actions selfish and deceitful, and above all almost unforgivable in her eyes.

But pushing Fitz to choose between Olivia and herself was her greatest downfall. She should have known better, because when her son was committed to a cause, albeit a very broken an almost irreparable marriage, he was fully committed. And in spite of her recent opinions of Olivia, for Fitz it has always been about Olivia. He loves her, and when Fitz loved, he loved hard; in the very same way he loves Joshua, his love for her was unconditional; that not even his mother could come in between them.

And then of course there was Jerry, who was still being incredibly off with her, in fact they were barely talking. Although, in fairness she realised that she has put him in a very difficult position, and just like her, he's missing his grandbaby tremendously. He's tried to make her see reason, but she has stubbornly chosen to stand her ground. Again, she is conscious of the fact that she's treading a very thin line with him too.

In truth, the whole thing was a complete mess, and it was coming to a point whereby giving in seemed to be the only viable option, maybe it was time to wave the white flag in surrender, and maybe it was time to make amends, which also meant having to find a way to forgive Olivia. Although honestly, she's not so sure if can bring herself to do that... because that type of hurt, was extremely hard to let go of.

However, unbeknownst to her, the sudden ringing of the doorbell; abruptly drawing her from reverie, was about to put that exact theory to the test.

xxxxxxxx

For Joshua's sake, she shakes her nerves away. She has no idea what to expect from Anne, but she's hoping she'll be at least willing to hear her out, especially with Josh being here. _Although the fact that Fitz is not here, is another matter entirely-which she trying her best not to dwell on._ Because with or without Fitz being here, she realises that this could be her only chance to make a difference. She just hopes she doesn't blow it.

 _"Mummy, can I press it?"_

"Sure baby, here let me help you…" She lifts Joshua up and he deftly presses the ringer, sounding their arrival.

 _As she hears Anne approaching the door, unconsciously, she finds herself taking a deep, long and steadying breath._

Anne's shock is evident, but just as quickly her expression changes to that of pure joy as Josh runs to her and she sweeps him off the ground. She hugs him to her close, almost afraid to let him go. _"Oh my sweet angel, it's so good to see you."_ She whispers, although audible enough for Olivia to hear. In that very moment, Olivia knows she's done the right thing.

"I missed you too Grandma!" he responds, tightening his grip around her neck.

She showers his cheeks with kisses and cuddles him tighter, before eventually looking over at Olivia. A realisation washing over her… _This was her doing!_ Knowing full well that Fitz's stubbornness is spawned from her own, she suspects this reunion is down to Olivia.

"Come in", she tells her gingerly, leading them into the living room.

At first, Anne just fusses over Josh, as he recalls every single thing she's missed out on, including his picture, which he retrieves from his mum's purse and excitedly runs back to explain his masterpiece. Olivia can tell Anne is fighting back the tears, completely touched.

 _When it comes to the subject of Joshua, both of these women were on the same page-utterly besotted._

After a while the excitement in the air changes to a comfortable lull, as Josh goes to seek out his toy box and falls into his normal routine again. At which point Anne turns and acknowledges her again, by offering to make them some tea.

"Yes please…" Olivia replies gratefully, glad that Anne has effectively offered her an olive branch.

Anne goes about making the tea, lost in thought it seems; her eyes drifting to Joshua and then back to Olivia… She doesn't say anything, but Olivia can tell she is weighing out the situation in her head. Not before long, she heads back over and sits around the table with her. Olivia takes her tea from her and quietly sips at it, as she patiently waits for Anne to break the silence and begin.

 _"Thank you,"_ she tells her eventually, her voice thick with emotion.

"You don't have to thank me Anne, it was the right thing to do."

Anne looks over at him again, a smile falling upon her lips…"I've missed him so much."

"I know all too well how you feel", she replies with a catch to her voice, drawing Anne's attention.

She looks at her, really looks at her and says…"I suppose you do."

She pauses. "Anne, I don't want this to continue… It's not fair on anyone, especially Joshua… I know Fitz thinks it too, but he just too stubborn to admit it. I tried to get him to come with us _but…"_

"I knew it was your idea the moment I saw you and Joshua standing there…" Anne tells her knowingly… "The Olivia I used to know, had too big of a heart to let this carry on…"

The term _"used to"_ pains her greatly, she can tell Anne is still feeling raw, but she needs her to know that's she's mistaken… "I'm still that girl Anne."

 _"But are you, are you really?_ " She asks, still unsure. By Olivia bringing Josh over; she is completely overwhelmed by her act and more than grateful, and by doing so it has made her look at her from a different perspective… but yet she's still so conflicted by all that has taken place.

It's now or never, Olivia thinks; time to lay it all on the line. "I know I have done things to make you think otherwise, I've done things that I can barely forgive my own self for, _no matter how hard I try…_ Whether I was sick or not, I should have known better… Leaving Fitz, leaving Josh… _then the baby…_ Anne if only you knew how much I regret what I've done… Believe me, no amount of therapy will EVER change that… but with Fitz and Joshua's help I am slowly learning to move on. I love them Anne, I never stopped, and I never will… And I can understand why you might not believe that, because I've hurt them both so badly… But I wasn't myself back then. I had lost who I was, lost what I believed in. _You see,_ I no longer had faith in myself as a wife and mother and I felt unworthy of their love. But I was so wrong, so very wrong… I needed their love, like I needed the air to breathe. And without them, life wasn't worth living. I guess I found that out the hard way…"

Anne swallows, looking down at Olivia's exposed wrist; the stark evidence laid out before her... She herself has never experienced the ails of clinical depression, but she is aware of its crippling nature it has upon a person's rational and behaviour… _But still, the termination…_ She just can't get her head around the idea of Olivia doing that to her own child, to Fitz's child… _"And the baby?_ That's what I don't understand, _how could you do it Olivia?"_

Tears well in her eyes as she recalls… "How could I possibly considering bringing a new life into this world, when all I wanted to do was end my own? I wasn't strong enough Anne; I'm not strong like you."

"What do you mean?" Anne is taken back.

"Just that; look at you! After all you've been through somehow, even after Ella you still manage to go on, you managed to persevere through it all… When I left, I just couldn't…"

"Why didn't you come to me, why didn't you tell me… maybe I could have helped you!" Anne pleads, finally making her true feelings known. Because it had hurt, it hurt like hell to know that she was the last person to see Olivia before she left, and yet she had no idea that the girl she had grown to love as a daughter, was on the brink of making the biggest mistake of her life. How could Olivia could not trust her enough, to let her know how bad it really was?

"Because Anne, coming to you for help only validated how useless I was… I looked up to you so much, you were the type of mother I wanted to be to for Joshua, but I couldn't be like you… I was so weak…"

"But you're strong now Olivia!" Anne tells her fervently… "Although I didn't appreciate it at the time, it must have taken a great deal of strength to come back, and you did that… And even now, going against Fitz's wishes to bring Joshua here, and then on top of that face me- that in itself took a great deal of strength Olivia… And I respect that." Anne pauses, before carrying on heavily… "Being a strong role model to others comes with huge responsibility too, and part of that responsibility is admitting when you messed up… _You've done that…_ and I guess it's time that I did the same…" Anne rests her mug on the table, as she looks at Olivia dead on… "I was wrong for reading your file, even whilst I was doing it, deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong, but in my defence I was driven solely by my need to keep Fitz and Joshua safe… I'm very sorry."

"It's okay, I understand what it's like to want to protect your child!"

"I realise that now, and I realise that I was wrong to be so quick to pass judgement, to be honest I let my own grief of losing Ella get in the way… You and I have both lost a child, and we both know the pain that comes from such a loss. But because of that, I then found it extremely difficult to comprehend how someone like you, someone who has lost a baby before, could actively choose to lose another… _but then again,_ I guess I've never experienced what it's like to lose oneself."

Olivia has to fight back the tears as a huge wave of emotion washes over her as she explains… "After the termination, I felt that very same loss… There was no relief in the act, I was disgusted and ashamed of myself… If anything my guilt made the feeling of loss even more acute…" Compelled, Anne takes her hand in hers and squeezes it gently… " _Oh Olivia,_ Jerry tried to explain to me how bad it was for you, but I was being too pig headed to listen… I didn't realise… I'm so sorry…"

"Please, you don't need to apologise… when I think about what you went through with Ella… and then for you to find out what I did… I wasn't shocked by your reaction; I don't hold it against you at all… If anything, it demonstrates to me how important family is to you… That's why I couldn't keep Josh away…"

"Thank you Olivia."

Tearfully, "I don't want this family to fall apart Anne, because honestly you're all the family I've got… There were times I needed you sooooo badly, your guidance, your love and support- but because of my actions you weren't there… I missed you so much! And I know I nearly destroyed it all when I left, and I'm so incredibly sorry for that, but I love you and Jerry and I want us to be a family again… Please Anne, please say you'll forgive me."

Anne can't keep the tears at bay any longer, as her defences are completely shattered… "No I can't, not until, you can forgive me first!"

Choked… _"Oh Anne, of course I forgive you…"_ With that they both break into floods of tears and come together in long an overdue embrace. "I've missed you too…" Anne whispers to her brokenly as she holds her to her. Olivia breaks down against her, overwhelmed to be in the comfort of Anne's arms. The warmth and forgiveness of a mother embrace, there is nothing quite like it.

Finally, at long last Olivia had her entire family back!

Lost in their own reunion and tears, they hadn't even noticed that Joshua had come over to enquire what was going on… He tugs on Olivia's skirt… _"Mummy why are you and Grandma crying?"_

At the sweet angelic sound of Josh's voice, both ladies pull apart and look down at him, smiling through their tears… Anne bats hers away, as she answers plainly… "Oh it's happy tears my little cherub, very happy tears indeed".

 _"Why are you happy?!_ " Joshua asks innocently.

Anne picks him up and puts him on her lap as she explains…"Grandma's happy to have her family back!" She smiles at Olivia, who then returns her smile… "So, so happy... _That_... I think it's time for blueberry muffins!" She announces excitedly kissing him on the cheek.

" _Hmmmm_ my favourite!" Olivia replies, with a smile that feels as huge as her heart.

"Mine too mummy!" Joshua grins just as brightly, "I love Grandma's blueberry muffins!"

"So do I baby, so do I!"


	39. Chapter 39

**Part 39**

 **A Change of Heart**

The thought of Olivia entering the Lion's den alone had been playing on his conscience all day.

When he refused to go with her, initially it was because he was still angry and another verbal round with his mother was the last thing he was up for, but he also found a small part of him refusing to go because he was unhappy about the way Olivia had gone about it, he felt that she had deliberately undermine him. So he told her he wasn't ready to speak to his mum, and that he had no intention of coming with her... _Olivia had made her bed, therefore she can face the consequences_ \- _and_ _whatever reception she got from his mother, that was on her._ He's knows it was harsh, wrong even, but she had completely blind sided him.

But now he feels awful about it, because he was supposed to be supportive of his wife, but instead all he had offered was opposition. Obviously, he warned her not to go, but he also recognised that he couldn't physically stop her either, considering that she promised Joshua that she would take him. And as much as he doesn't agree with it, he understands why she did it; as always she has her son's best interest at heart and in her opinion this was the right thing to do- so it was pointless to argue the toss with her. Plus, her resolve was firm on the matter.

But as soon as he left for work, guilt set in- and he started to feel uneasy about his decision; two hours into his shift he found he could not concentrate on the job at hand. An hour later he found himself on the phone to Cyrus calling in for a favour, and an hour after that he was driving towards his mother's place, ready to stand by his wife.

She told him that she would take Joshua there straight after nursery, so if he hurried maybe he would get there before her- but unfortunately traffic on the roads dictated otherwise. When he exited the lift, he half expected to hear raised voices from outside the hallway, but instead he was greeted with silence. Unsure of what he'd find on the other side of the door, he rings the bell and anxiously waits for the door to be opened. Praying that everything was okay.

 _"Hey baby!"_ It was the last thing he expected to see; Olivia smiling from ear to ear and looking genuinely content. "What are you doing here I thought you were at work?"

 _"I was, but I…"_

"He wanted to make sure that you and I weren't at each other's throats?!" Anne finishes off with a slight air of humour, joining them at the door.

 _"Mum?"_

"Hi Fitz, come on in."

Feeling a bit thrown by the reception, he enters rather dubiously. The first thing he does is look for Joshua, who he spots by the sofa lost in his own world and happily playing with his toys… No signs of distress there. "Hey son!" He calls out to him gently, drawing his attention from what he is doing.

Josh drops everything and runs over for a hug. "Daddy!"

"How's my boy?"

"I'm good, Grandma made blueberry muffins!" He announces merrily, as the scent of the freshly baked batch accosts him. "I can smell them," Fitz responds with a smile, and sets Joshua back down, telling him that he better save room for his dinner later. He then turns to face the two women in his life that seem to have the uncanny ability to turn his head for a loop. Both of which, much to his pleasant surprise appear seemingly at ease with one another.

"Okay, so what's the deal?" He asks, although appearing to direct his question towards Olivia, seeing as he and his mother are not exactly on speaking terms- _yet_.

"Well... the deal is your mother and I have buried the hatchet!" Olivia tells him simply, not feeling the need to beat around the bush as she then simultaneously proposes… "And I think it's time you two did the same!"

Fitz then turns to face Anne, as she adds… "She's right; can we talk in the back?"

Not that he had a choice in the matter, what with Olivia and Anne's double teaming efforts afoot, so he agrees without protest… " _Sure_ , let's talk."

Olivia can't help but smile as she watches Fitz follow his mother down the hallway. Although, earlier on she would have preferred if he had forgo his stubbornness and come along with her and Joshua instead, but at the end of the day she is equally pleased to witness his change of heart and more importantly, he did not let her down because he came by to offer his support; secretly a part of her always knew that he would. And in hind sight, it probably worked out for the best, because it allowed her and Anne to have that precious time alone to be frank and honest with each other; laying it all on the line, before finally making amends. If anything, by not having Fitz there it made their reconciliation that much stronger.

xxxxxxxxxx

Once both are inside his old room, Anne shuts the door behind them and tells Fitz to take a seat. He looks like he's about to say something, but she beats him to it… "Fitz, let me start first by apologising to you… These last few weeks, I've taken a long hard look at myself and to be honest I am ashamed of the way I have behaved, I was wrong for that, and by doing so I've put the relationships of those I love in jeopardy, Jerry's, Joshua's, yours... and I guess it took Olivia coming here today with Joshua, for me to finally admit to myself that I had also put my relationship with her in jeopardy too…"

 _He is totally blown away by that last statement._

With the knowledge that Olivia and his mother had finally made up and restored their relationship, to be fair, their restoration was not far behind. But he did take the opportunity to lay down some ground rules, as he emphasises that he is a grown man, who is more than capable of making the right decisions where his family is concerned, and from now on she needs to support him and trust him in doing so. She understands completely, but also warns, that as his mother she will continue to share her opinions, whether he agrees with them or not. He can't help but laugh at that; he did not doubt that for a second. But more importantly she vows to never put him in a difficult position like this again, where he'll be forced to choose between her and his wife. And for that he is most grateful.

After they hug it out and share words of love and a promise to always keep their family together, he finally asks her what made her change her mind about Olivia, and to that she replies simply… "I took a leaf out of yours and Olivia's book for once, to find forgiveness and follow my heart!"

xxxxxxxx

 _Oh it was defiantly a tale of hearts that night_ , especially when an unsuspecting Jerry walks in on Fitz and Olivia setting the table for dinner- the shock alone nearly giving him a heart attack!

 _"Okay, so I have no idea what's going on here, but God knows, I don't think I've ever been happier!"_

Anne walks over to him and greets him with a kiss, and a promise that his happiness will not be short lived- and with a twinkle in her eyes, tells him that his personal apology from her to him will come later on tonight.

"Mum please, too much information..." Fitz chastises teasingly, winking at Liv; who lovingly smiles back at him.

Jerry laughs out loud. "Woman, I believe you may be the death of me after all, but at least I know I will die a happy man".

His words now causing them all to break out in laughter, and it's so infectious that even little Joshua joins in too, giggling with them. Because just like everyone else, although too young to fully comprehend why, he finds himself completely overcome with happiness and joy, and he can't stop smiling. To him it feels a lot like Christmas, the moment where he's opening his presents and finds out that everything he's been secretly wishing for has finally come true.


	40. Chapter 40

**Part 40**

 **Returning to Us**

After reading Joshua a bedtime story and tucking him in, Fitz re-joins Olivia on the sofa, who is nursing a glass of red wine… "Treating yourself, I see". She smiles up at him, and motions to the glass she's poured out for him too. "I think we both could do with a little unwinding, don't you?" He chuckles, before lifting the glass to his lips and taking a well-earned sip… He takes a seat beside her, and she immediately snuggles up against him. "That was some night," she sighs.

"Tell me about it, although no thanks to me... Liv, I'm really sorry, I was being pig headed when I refused to go with you... and..."

She shakes her head, pressing a slender finger against his lip... " _Ssssh_ , I don't want to hear it- you came, that's all that matters..."

" _But Liv..._ "

"No buts... Everything went just as it was supposed to, and I for one could not be happier... So baby, please stop worrying..."

Feeling at ease by her words, he takes on a more playful approach and shoots her one on his smoulderingly looks as he asks..."So you still love me then?"

She can't help but smile... "Oh course I do, knuckle head".

Lovingly, he leans forward and plants a kiss on her lips… "You were something else tonight…" he praises. "If it weren't for you, mum and I wouldn't be talking, and Joshua… _well_ , he's never been more content- finally everything is falling into place…"

"Plus Anne and I are finally on the same page too." Olivia adds, as she squeezes him tighter…

"And I know just how much that means to you…" he whispers into her hair.

"It means everything…" Olivia tells him wistfully. "There was a time where I was convinced I would never get this back, _you know…_ Joshua, you… Anne and Jerry… I had resounded to the fact that I didn't deserve to have a family again…"

"But you were wrong…" he tells her, tilting her chin up and looking into her eyes, which glisten back at him…

"I was wrong, and I realise that now; despite everything, I can't spend the rest of my life beating myself up over a past that I cannot change or rewrite…"

"Everyone deserves a second chance Liv; you deserve one and so do I… And not only do we owe it to ourselves to take it, but we also owe it to Joshua and the baby we lost in the midst of our chaos and grief.

Wordlessly, Olivia nods her head in agreement, choked by his statement and his reference to the baby. Although she is slowly coming to terms with it, especially now that she has his support, it will forever remain a topic of great sadness.

Eventually, soothingly, " _Look at me baby_ ", he whispers.

She does as he asks, and looks up at him, staring into the face of her salvation and suddenly she finds herself completely overwhelmed by him. However, he is encouraged by her tears, knowing that they stem from a place of hope and faith and more importantly trust. Trust in him, and trust in them… " _Now_ we look to the future baby… Now we concentrate on returning to us…"

The intensity of his words pull her in even further, as she reaches up to gently cup his cheek in the palm of her hand… "I love you Fitz".

"I love you more…" he tells her; his voice thick with emotion as he descends for a kiss, sealing their declaration of love.

Their lips interlock; as their tongues sensually caress, wanting to taste and explore even further. When they eventually pull apart, both of them are breathless in their passions.

 _"Make love to me Fitz"_. Unashamed, the words escape her, as she voices her undeniable need for him, no longer afraid to reveal her inner most feelings, and in turn make herself completely vulnerable to him. And as he looks at her, with love pouring out of his eyes, she knows she can trust this man implicitly- not only with her heart, but with her mind and her body as well.

 _"Are you sure Liv?"_ She can tell that he's nervous, but she can also tell by the tensing of his jaw, that he's barely holding on to his restraint. He wants her just as badly as she wants him.

"I'm sure... and I know that Dr Synnaire advised that we should avoid physical intimacy, but that was only until we secured our emotional connection, and Fitz I have never felt more secure in my life. I love you, I trust you and above all I WANT you, in every single way..."

He needs no further encouragement, so he takes her hand in his and with equal confidence leads them to their bedroom.

Without a single word, they begin to undress each other, piece by piece- exposing themselves to each others hungry gaze and eager touch. The atmosphere between them is so electric, that it's almost deafening in the silence. Unwilling to deny himself for a second longer, Fitz lays her down on the bed, and gently falls beside her, as now brazen hands start to roam her temptuous body... Agonisingly they familiarise themselves with every curve of her body, drawing breathy moans from her lips, which soon become ragged when his mouth and tongue eventually join in the exploration... She's like putty in his hands, malleable to his every demand... And when he lowers his mouth to her heated sex, and uncovers her dewy pearl, that is when she completely loses control of her senses, and finds herself rapidly coming undone under his sinful ministrations. With his head still pressed between her thighs, relentlessly he continues to make love to her with his mouth, groaning heavily into her flesh as he finds his own carnal pleasures from dining on her essence. It's almost too much for her to endure, as she feels her second orgasm coiling deeply within her, she's on the edge of release again... " _Fitz_ ," she pleads, although what's she's pleading for she doesn't quite know.

"It's okay baby, come for me again... please I want you to..." he encourages, as he now replaces his tongue with his fingers, as they gently, yet arousingly prepare her for what's to come next... "That's it, go on baby... just let go... let me taste you again..." Between his heated words, and the deep baritone timbre in his voice they act as the final catalyst, and with a high pitched wail, she spasms and convulses around him, expelling her desires in waves.

Languidly, he takes his fill of her, savouring every last drop. When he's finished, deftly, he moves back up her body, levelling their sexes, as he whispers seductively "Look at me Livvie..."

Still recovering from her high, she struggles to open her eyes; it's as if her whole body is laden with pleasure... but when she eventually does, she is met with such an intense desire in his that she's left completely incoherent... _"Fitz..."_

She can feel his heart pounding against his chest, and she wonders briefly if he can feel hers too, as he swoops down and distractingly steals another kiss from her lips; she moans at the taste of herself on his tongue, and like an aphrodisiac it only serves to inflame her desires.

 _"Liv."_ The way he says her name in between kisses, it has never sounded more desperate or wanton, and when she feels the evidence of his arousal pressing possessively against her mons, she knows exactly what he needs and instinctively raises her hips to facilitate his entry. He lines himself up, and with her acquiescence he surges forward, joining them in the most intimate of ways; springing forth tears as they both cry out in exhalation. _Finally, finally..._

In small circular motions, he starts to move his hips, slowly at first, then increasingly faster; and then to the point of exquisite torture; it's as if he wants to bury himself so deep inside her, he'll never have to leave again. And she, just as unyielding, and in perfect synchronicity matches him move for move; driven purely by the indescribable feeling of watching her lover loose himself completely.

It's doesn't take them long before they both find themselves balancing on the brink of ecstasy, although neither one of them wanting to fall off... "I won't stop Liv, _I can't stop loving you.."_

 _"I don't want you to..."_ she replies breathlessly, dangling on by a thread, because she's getting closer and closer to release, and she can sense he is too.. " _Fitz_... I want us... **_oooooooh_...** I want us to... **_yes_...** to..."

" _I know..."_ He can feel her inner muscles clenching around him, she's incredibly close... " _Hold on baby, I'm almost there..."_ Like her, he wants them to come together at the same time..." And so, with a couple more deliberate thrusts, and well measured angles he achieves their desired goal, and drives them both over the precipice...

And together, still entwined, they free fall into a realm of unadulterated joy and bliss.


	41. Chapter 41

_To all my readers, thank you for all your continued encouragement, and on that note, albeit later than I planned- (getting whiplash after being involved in a car accident will do that to a person) here is the epilogue to "The Return"._

 **4 Years Later**

 **7.15am**

"Joshua your breakfast is ready!"

"Coming mum!" He calls back, as he quickly slips his homework and pencil case into his satchel.

 _"Don't tell mum..."_ He whispers to Buster. Who is panting beside him and wagging his tail... "I was supposed to sort this out last night". He confesses with a wink, giving him gentle pat on the head. He looks over at the clock, _phew_ , he was still good for time, 20 minutes to go.

"Come on boy, let's go!" He commands, rushing out into the kitchen with Buster dutifully in tow.

"Joshua, you and that dog," Liv remarks, shaking her head... "I seriously think we should rethink his name and call him Shadow".

He scrunches up his face is distaste..."Nah... he looks like a Buster- don't you think?"

"What I think, is that he looks hungry... Make sure you feed him this morning, you forgot yesterday".

"I was running late mum..." He counters.

"And whose fault is that?" She counters back.

" _Mine_ , I'll make sure I do it after I eat".

"Good, because I can barely put my shoes on these days, let alone bend down to fill up his bowl."

"I know mum, I'm sorry".

"Honestly, I don't know what your dad was thinking getting a puppy four weeks before this baby is due, even if he is adorable..." She softens, looking over at the little ball of fluff, playfully tugging on Joshua's trouser leg.

"How is Peanut this morning, any more pains?" Joshua asks with a mouth full of toast.

She smiles. "Well doctor Grant, Peanut has been giving me a run for my money this morning." She replies, rubbing her belly; she had been getting twinges all day yesterday, and this morning.

"Doctor Grant, _haha_ , very funny mum... I'm just doing what daddy told me to do."

She walks over to where Joshua is sitting, and bends down and gives him a kiss on the head... "I know sweetpea, and I appreciate it very much... Now eat up, because grandpa will be here very soon."

She takes a seat at the table; tiredness seems to be a recurring theme these days. Her due date was not for another two weeks, but if this baby happened to make an early appearance she would definitely welcome it.

"When's dad coming home?"

"He's not due for another hour or so," she sighs. She hated when Fitz did the late shift, because she missed waking up to him in the mornings.

"Well, you need to take it easy until Dad comes home, because I don't want my little brother coming without anyone being here".

She laughs, "Trust me sweetheart, I can assure you, this baby will not come that quickly..."

"You never know mum!"

She chooses to humour him... "Okay, just in case, I will promise to take it easy".

"Scouts honour?" He offers her his pinky finger, in which she reciprocates. "Scouts honour..."

Shoving the last piece of toast in his mouth, Joshua quickly heads to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and then returns to fill up Buster's bowl, just seconds before the doorbell rings, signalling the arrival of Jerry.

He runs to the door, letting him in... "Hey Grandpa!"

As always, he enters with a cheery disposition... "Hey there Champ, you almost ready?"

"Almost, just need to put my coat on..." He answers, simultaneously grabbing his coat from the coat rack. Olivia is about to get up to greet him, but Jerry halts her in her movement.

"Don't you get up," he insists, walking over to her instead, and giving her a peck on her cheek.

"Hey dad".

"Hey beautiful, how's my little granddaughter doing?" He asks affectionately, giving her belly a little rub.

"Granddaughter?" She raises her eyebrow with a grin, then jokingly replies... "Don't say that in front of Josh, he has high hopes for a baby brother."

"Tough, because I'm holding out for a little princess. Besides, what with that scruffy mess living here now..." He points to the tiny pup, distractedly chowing down on his breakfast, "You're already out numbered with males in this house, so it's only fair". He winks.

"I agree." She winks back.

"I'm ready!" Joshua announces, rushing over to give his mum a kiss goodbye, "Bye mum", he bends down and gives her tummy a kiss too... "Bye Peanut."

"Bye sweetheart, have a good day at school".

"I will!" He replies brightly, making his way to the door... "Bye Buster!" He hollers, before departing.

Jerry follows behind.

"I'll see you later dad".

"Take it easy Liv".

"I will".

As soon as they're gone, and no longer preoccupied by food Buster starts to whimper... "I know boy, it's just you and me now".

 **8.42am**

Exhausted, Fitz lets himself in-craving a kiss from his wife, then promptly followed by his bed. "Liv, I'm home!" He announces, when he doesn't find her in the living room or kitchen.

"I'm upstairs," she replies, sounding somewhat in pain.

He immediately picks up on it, and rushes upstairs to find her in the bathroom, one hand gripping the sink, and the other her belly.

With a grimace, she greets him with wan smile and..."My waters broke 30 minutes ago!"

"Oh wow, it's started?!" He finds he's immediately stripped of tiredness, and instead it's replaced with excitement, albeit wrapped up in concern.

She nods, "Yep, it's started!"

Falling into doctor mode, he checks her over... "Why didn't you call me?"

"I knew you were on your way." She rationalises, breathing through the pain. With his hand under her belly, he can actually feel the tightness in her abdomen.

"How often are the contractions?"

"Every 20 minutes or so? They started not long after Joshua and Jerry left for school... That's when my waters broke."

"Okay." He's not so worried now, because he realises they have some time to play with.

Silently, together, they wait for her current contraction to end, whilst he rubs her lower back...When it ends she sighs in momentary relief... "I think it's stopped."

"Okay good..." He notes that she's set the bath. "Do you still want to take a soak before we go, or do you want to go straight to the hospital?"

She opts for a bath first, so he helps her to undress her and then gently lowers her in the warm water.

"There we go baby, _right_ , you try and relax for a bit... the water will help, and I'll go and grab our hospital bags."

"What about Joshua? You've got to call the school, see if Jerry can pick him up?"

"On it already hunni, you just relax... And I'll sort everything out, including Buster."

He does just that, following their birthing plan to the tee. Within 15 minutes, he's sorted out Joshua, and has arranged for James to collect Buster and keep him for a few days.

"Any more contractions?" He asks, when he returns to Olivia's side.

"No, no more... Is Joshua sorted?"

"He's good, both mum and dad have gone to get him, they'll meet us at the hospital and James is on his way too."

 **10.28am**

By the time they arrive at the hospital, her contractions had picked up in ferocity, and they were also coming closer together. However, Fitz was the perfect partner, and with his presence and guidance, despite the pain, Olivia was feeling very calm and collected. She thinks back to Joshua's birth, and the differences between them are quite substantial. It's amazing how much more confident she is in her abilities to get through this labour.

As anticipated, Jerry, Anne and Joshua are anxiously waiting for them at the delivery suite. What with Anne and Fitz working at the hospital luckily it afforded her the luxury of her own spacious room, with birthing pool. She wanted all options available to her, and the hospital were more than willing to oblige. Although, the birthing pool would be her preferred choice.

 _"Mum!"_ As soon as Joshua spots them he runs over to them.

"Hey sweetpea, _you okay?_ " Liv asks, grateful that the contractions had abated in order to greet her son in a relatively relaxed manor and tone- Joshua was still young, and although her and Fitz had explained what giving birth would be like, him knowing she'd be in pain and seeing her in pain were two separate things, and she didn't want to worry him unnecessarily.

"I'm okay mum- how are you and peanut?"

"We're both good," she assures him... "It looks like you were right, peanut is determined to make an appearance".

"I had a feeling he was coming today".

Fitz clears his throat. "So you don't see your old man standing here?" He teases.

Apologetically, Joshua looks up at his father. "Sorry Dad, hi..." and then he immediately returns his attentions to his mum. Fitz laughs, Joshua was definitely his mother's boy.

"So what now?" Josh enquires.

"Well Dad and I need to get settled in our room first, and then meet with the midwife, then after that you can come back in and stay with us for a bit."

By this point Anne and Jerry walk over... "Hey Mum, Dad"

"Hey sweetie," Anne bends down and gives her a kiss on the cheek, and whispers into her ear... "How are you really feeling?"

Olivia looks up at her and replies honestly... "I'm alright mum".

Satisfied with her response, and knowing she's in more than capable hands, she responds..."Thats good, well in that case why don't we go and get some lunch and snacks from the shop and we'll meet you and Fitz in an hour or so?"

"That sounds good mum," Fitz intervenes, when he suddenly feels Olivia grip his hand tightly... She was having another contraction. He signals to his mum and dad to hurry along and take Joshua with them.

But Joshua, being always so attentive; doesn't miss a beat. _"Mum are you alright?"_

Anne places her hands on his shoulder, keeping him calm... "Mum's just having a contractions, she'll be okay, Daddy's going to help her, so no need to worry." Anne explains; but nevertheless, needing to hear it from his mother herself, wide eyed, he looks at her only for an answer. It seems Olivia is the only person that can placate him right now. "Nana's right baby," she manages, "so run along and make sure you pick me out a good sandwich, okay sweetie?"

"That's right son, because your mum's gonna need as much energy as she can get." Fitz adds.

Between the two of them, he finally eases up and allows Anne and Jerry to momentarily steer him away.

 **14.02pm**

As it turned out she didn't like the birthing pool at all; because instead of it making her feel relaxed and tranquil, it only served to make her feel overheated and flustered, so she opted for the aid of the birthing ball instead, as soon as Joshua abandons it, when Jerry takes him out the room in the guise of him getting some much needed fresh air. To be honest, Joshua was finding it really difficult to watch, as her pains began to rapidly increase, so everyone felt it was best for him to leave. And Jerry, who was more than happy to escape himself; being somewhat old fashioned and feeling far more comfortable outside the birthing room, kindly offers to keep Joshua occupied outside.

However, Anne stayed with them, and was presently rubbing the base of Liv's back in circular motions as she moans through yet another contraction, meanwhile Fitz; who has not left Liv's side for a second, whispers to her pleadingly… "Baby please reconsider, I think you should take the epidural…"

She shakes her head from side to side, as she grimaces through the blinding pain.

"I know we opted out of having one in our birthing plan, but that doesn't mean we can't change our minds". He tries to reason, but she's not having any of it.

"No", she breathes… "I don't want it…" she objects adamantly. She can tell that he's worried, and that he's finding it incredibly hard to watch her in so much pain, but she knows how much she can handle, and she's certain that she can do this without an epidural.

She squeezes his hand, waiting for the short reprieve between contractions to come. And when it does, she leans forward and momentarily relaxes against bed, still balanced on the ball. Catching her breath, she turns to face her husband… "Fitz, please don't fight me on this… _Look at me…"_ Which he does so, unable to mask the concern in his eyes… "I'm alright, but if you want to help me…" She halts suddenly, and then scrunches up her face as she finds herself blindsided by another fierce contraction…

"Call the midwife in here now…" she bites out.

Anne immediately gets up and calls for assistance.

 _"_ _Liv?"_ Fitz questions.

"I think the baby's coming".

 **14.16pm**

With the help from the midwife, they manage to get Liv back onto the bed to be examined, at which point the pain is unrelenting and all she can do is cry out in anguish… It's amazing how close she is to changing her mind on the epidural front, when the midwife announces that she's fully dilated, and it's time to push…

 _"_ _Really?"_ Fitz can hardly believe it, whereas Liv is thankfully relieved.

Taking that as her cue, Anne quickly slips out the room to call the boys, to tell them to head back because the baby is on its way, as the Midwife instructs Liv on what to do next…

"Okay Olivia, on the next contraction I want you to bare down…"

 **14.21pm**

Fitz holds Liv's leg up and into position, and Anne quickly mirrors his actions when she returns to the room, both now coaxing and encouraging Liv to push. "You can do it baby!"

She's pushing in time with her contractions, pushing and working so hard, that tears begin to fall from her eyes. Anne is urging her to continue, telling her she's doing great, that's she's almost there… that she can see the baby's head. Of course Fitz can see it too, in fact he can't take his eyes of it; he's so caught up in the awe of it all he's unable to speak, so instead, he squeezes Liv's thigh to his chest as he watches on intently, eagerly awaiting the arrival of their second child. Poor Liv, she is so focused on the task at hand, she hasn't even noticed that he been rendered speechless, as now, on the nurse's say so, gut wrenchingly, she screams through her last and final big push, successfully delivering the baby's shoulders, followed by the rest of its body, which in comparison seems to slide out of her body almost effortlessly.

Chocked up, Fitz cries out lovingly… "Oh you've done it Liv, my God you've done it."

"Congratulations Mr and Mrs Grant, she's gorgeous". The Midwife announces with a huge smile, cutting the cord.

 _"_ _She?"_ Liv replies in sheer awe, as the tiny baby is gently placed upon her chest.

"Aaaaaaw, it's a girl". Anne clarifies, with tears brimming in her eyes.

Wordlessly, Fitz leans in and kisses Liv on the lips, thankful, overwhelmed and feeling incredibly proud, tears of joy fall from his eyes as he tells her simply, "I love you so much."

"I love you too." She replies emotionally. Her heart's so full right now, it's fit to burst wide open. "Look at her Fitz, isn't she the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Yes she sure is, _beautiful_ , just like her mother."

 **14.39**

Joshua's smile is one to die for, when Fitz places the tightly bundled baby into his awaiting arms… "Joshua meet your baby sister Adina". In that very instant, staring at his sister's angelic little face, he's forgotten all about his desires to have a baby brother, and instead finds himself completely and utterly smitten… And thus filled with wonderment and excitement, he whispers to his sister ever so softly… "Hey there peanut, I'm your big brother... It's finally nice to meet you."

 ** _Adina Etta-May Grant:_ _Born 01.03.2016 :_ _At 14.22pm_**


End file.
